12:15 am

A little background on 12:15 am. I wrote this at on April 29th of this year during one of my worst panic attacks of my life. This “poem” is just my thoughts during this event. It was tough because I was restless and anxious, so it was hard to stay still. I wrote half of it in my room and the other half outside. At the start, I was in full panic attack mode and I had just taken an Ativan. This panic attack required more than one Ativan. By the end, it wore me out beyond compare.

Enjoy, and please leave feedback. I’m not sure if this is a poem or not.

12:15am

It’s 12:15 in the morning.

My mind is racing and

I can feel my panic rising.

Shallow and slow, I can’t catch my breath.

Restlessness. A feeling of unease.

My hands start to tingle, numbness takes over.

I pace. Take a drink of water—

then begin to pace again.

I must stay inside, no— I can’t.

I must go outside.

My mind races faster, Will I run out of breath?

How do I control this feeling of helplessness?

I overthink. Please stop!

Then again, I over think. And again.

I overthink.

I lose control and the only way back,

is it this tiny white pill in my hand?

My salvation.

God, I want to sleep.

There is so much to do tomorrow.

Finally. I’m in control again.

Anxiety, why do you control me so?

It’s over for now,

But it won’t be the last time.

Photo Credit: Ian Espinosa

9 Replies to “12:15 am”

  1. Yes, I’d call this a poem, Edgar. It’s raw, honest, and powerful. Although I’m not bipolar, I have experienced a few anxiety attacks that left me sobbing in bewilderment and fear. I don’t know a lot about being bipolar but I’ve heard of stories where it can destroy lives and families. I’m a retired high school history teacher, so I don’t have the same kinds of anxieties that you do as an undergraduate student. But I have a good memory and I recall how powerful my anxiety was while I was studying for my degree. I don’t know that I can offer you anything meaningful as a follower, but I’ll do my best to give you feedback.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It has been an interesting journey. I wouldn’t have believed ten years ago I would have the opportunity to be finishing my degree. Many things went right before I could get to this point, but I keep going because that is the best. Thank you for reading my poem and giving feedback, that is enough for me!

      Liked by 1 person

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