My First Weekly Wrap-up

I woke up today. I’m alive. I can take solace in this fact.

Can a week be so great, and at the same time one of the worst weeks of my life? Well, I would classify this week in exactly this way. So much good wrapped into a few bad things made my week go into a tailspin.

My week started well enough on Monday with lots of writing and homework as I worked towards getting my work done so that I could play Shadow of War as soon as it was released. At the same time, the Dodgers won and advanced to the National League Championship Series. Life was good for a Monday.

Then something happened that really put a damper on my week. A friend of mine asked me to help them commit suicide. I have talked about suicide several times in other blog posts, and if my readers don’t already know, I am 100% against suicide. I have attempted to commit suicide three times in my life, and the last one was the closest I have ever been. It is the worst feeling to be in that dark place.

This person, who I will not name, knows me well, and to have the audacity to ask me something so dark and deep, it really made me depressed. I can’t imagine a world where this person doesn’t exist. The worst part is this person decided after to not talk to me very much over the week giving me one-word answers. What am I supposed to do about that?

One of the things I sought out to do with my blog was to connect with people who are Bipolar or depressed or even dealing with anxiety. Suicide is a touchy subject with me because one of the main goals in my life is to be an advocate against suicide by helping people get through situations that arise that bring them to suicidal thoughts.

Another incident happened this week that really made me realize that there are just not enough recourses to people with mental illnesses. On WordPress, I came across another human being on the edge of suicide, and I tried my best to help. It sucked because this person had so many issues and very little help.

I did what I could, and pointed her to the resources that she could use over the weekend, but I couldn’t help but feel helpless. This feeling is not great. I was faced with two suicide situations and I hoped that what was offered would help. I feel lost in these feeling, and I have been losing a lot of sleep over it. I want to be a beacon of light and use this blog for good. Maybe I will.

I just don’t know what to do about my friend because they are determined to avoid me and it would be impossible to go over and try to help this person.

I am also still struggling with my anxiety this week. After experiment over the weekend with immersing myself into a social situation, my anxiety has only increased. I am not sure if there is a connection between what I mentioned earlier or if it is me losing my grip on my social anxiety again, but it is starting to reach high levels. It didn’t help that I missed a much-needed session with my therapist, which is a significant sign that things are spiraling, so it only adds to the bad.

A combination of depression and a lack sleep usually spells doom, like the fact that my studying space and room have started to be in disarray. This is always a classic sign that I must refocus, and with finals, this coming week cleaning up my space might put me on a good track.

The second hardest thing that I have had to deal with this week is my increasingly problematic insomnia issues that are plaguing me right now. I have seen over the week a steady increase in my Seroquel. My main dosage is 300mg with the possibility of maxing out to 600mg if my sleep is problematic. The last week I was at 500mg and at least I would sleep for a few hours.

It has been many years since I have taken a max dosage, but last night I finally reached a point where I wasn’t sleeping at 500mg so I took an extra up to the 600mg dose. The problem was, that this did nothing. I may have slept about 45 minutes in total before waking up at 5:30 this morning. This has been bothersome to me this morning because my week starts with an early start tomorrow. I feel so anxious thinking about that in my finals week things could go wrong. Sleep is so important to someone like me.

The good thing is I have made some amazing connections over the week. My fellow bloggers have been kind when it comes to discussing the topics that I have written since starting this blog, and in my mind, that is very important.

This week I will have to work on me because things have a way of spinning out of my control when too many negative things happen in my life. I am still going to help people in any way I can, so here is the ending of one week, and the beginning of the next.

J.E. Skye

Photo Credit: Kasper Bertelsen

26 Replies to “My First Weekly Wrap-up”

  1. You are not responsible for someone else’s mental health getting better or worse. Although it’s a compassionate thing to want to help others, in my experience people with depressive mental illness can’t support others with same/similar conditions without it impacting on their own health. That is a job for doctors, therapist, samaritans etc and I’m also aware that help can be difficult to access. I hate to see others in pain but I also know that I cannot be their “lifeboat”, I know my limitations emotionally so don’t offer support. It may seem harsh but it’s so I can survive, I think maybe you need to be realistic about your emotional limitations and put your mental health first. This is of course just my opinion and I wish you well in whatever choices you make. 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Murtle took the words right out of my mouth. People with mental health problems have to take care of themselves first. I know it sounds selfish, but if we don’t, it makes it that much harder to function. That doesn’t mean we can’t be compassionate towards others, but we have to think of our own health, as well.

      Liked by 3 people

    2. You make an excellent case and you are right on all levels. When it effects my own mental health I need to let it go. At the same time I want to at least let them know they are not alone.

      Liked by 3 people

  2. I relate to this so temendously. If you are anything like me, you don’t feel responsible persay, you just hate to see people suffer. You have walked and continue to walk in their shoes of suffering and know the black hole depression can bring. You may feel helpless, but it is because of people like you that some of us still exist. Just knowing someone cares has an immeasurable impact on their life.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. A friend yesterday said something that will stick with me forever. People with depression have a lot of empathy. You feel so deeply be it others happiness or hurt. I guess that is the same thing. Just, try and not let the feeling drug you down. I say try…because I haven’t been able to not let me drag me down either.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Ditto to the above comments. I want to add that I’ve just discovered your blog and I have found something helpful to me in each of the posts I’ve read. I tell you this to encourage you.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. A question: Would cognitive therapy help with your insomnia?
    The reason I ask is I know I sleep better if I meditate in the dark before I lay down at night. For unknown reasons, making the conscious effort to clear my mind helps.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. That is where the meditation comes in. The type of meditation where I concentrate on my breathing pulls many of the thoughts and activities of the day out of me so I fall asleep easier.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. It’s just a bad week, not a bad life, James. Stay strong and keep being an inspiration to others in battling anxiety and depression. I hope that in the coming days, people will learn how to be happy despite problems and negativity around. That suicide is not the answer but praying rather.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. “I want to be a beacon of light and use this blog for good. Maybe I will.” I have not read any of your other posts yet, but I can tell from reading just this one that you WILL be able to help other people. Even though it may seem as though you had failed, you haven’t. Even though it’s hard that that friend is now ignoring you because you would not be an advocate to their plans to kill themselves, rejoice in the fact that they are still alive. Please take care of yourself, too. I’m so glad that you are able to recognize when things are getting bad, like the combination of no sleep and depression like you said. Being able to know yourself well enough to nip something before it gets worse shows how incredibly strong you are.

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    1. Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. It has been really hard because my friend is now ignoring me, but her family is really close with mine so I can still look in on her. I do need to work on my health this coming week because I can already see changes in my depression and it is always best to get back under control. Again thank you for your kind words.

      J.E. Skye

      Like

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