I figured out today that Sunday’s could be my weekly wrap-up sessions. I can use it to recap and link my other pages while analyzing the week behind me.
I learned this week that no matter how much the belief that things will eventually go right, that the reality is that in life we just have bad weeks. Life is not so simple because you can find good in any bad week. I think my mind would have exploded had it been all bad. Things certainly went wrong, but I finished my finals with confidence. I woke up every day this week wanting to be alive and to moving closer to my goals.
Depending on the point of view, last night I had a setback with my social anxiety. For the second time this week my anxiety led me to a bad panic attack late at night. My worst panic attacks are night ones because everyone is sleeping and I have no one that for sure will answer a text at night. I did at one point but that person hasn’t spoken a word to me in a week. I was alone last night. I did the best one can do in that situation. I rode out the panic attack until it was over.
It was bad and it was close to forty-five minutes before I could calm down enough to lay down and finally sleep. It took two Ativan and almost a third. I hyperventilated. I felt unease, restlessness, panic, my mind raced with catastrophic thoughts that I would have a heart attack, and I couldn’t keep still so I paced. I have this weird habit of drinking a lot of water during my panic attack because, in my mind, it helps me.
I did my best to work on my mindfulness breathing during the panic attack which helped. I could feel my heart racing as my heart beat reached 130 (I always have had a natural high resting heartbeat.) It was about five minutes of breathing to get my heartbeat into the 90’s. By the end, I was exhausted beyond comprehension and my last thoughts were if I would be able to get up in just a few short hours.
This week I have touched on more subjects like my struggles with insomnia that have plagued me most of my life. I happy to say that my sleep is back under control to a point. It still takes me two hours between taking my Seroquel to actual sleep, and I am only getting 4-5 hours of total sleep but it is better than not sleeping.
One of the best pieces I wrote this week was on the introverted side of my life and how there is a desire for me to expand the places that I call safe. It was great to get feedback for my fellow introverts and extroverts, but I regret to say that with my high anxiety this it was not possible to reach my goal this week. It is on my list of goals for the future. It also is getting cold, but I can’t use that as an excuse.
My second piece on the revolving doors of my psychiatrists was, I think, one of the most important blogs I wrote this week. I have dedicated a specific chapter in my memoir to this topic because it has shaped my life over the last ten years. The feedback was amazing, and I want to thank all of those who offered up advice this week on all my topics.
It is fitting that the last my last post was about the crossroads that I now find myself with my social anxiety. For the first time in since being diagnosed with Bipolar one disorder that my anxiety is on a level with my depression. My hope is in the coming weeks that my anxiety gets under control because my depression can get worse.
I have a long list of topics that will make its way into my blog this coming week. One important subject that I will discuss this week is how the changing of the seasons and how this time of year is the worst for my depression. I think the focus of this week will be specifically on depression at least two-three blog posts.
I seem to have a lot of opinions on mental illness subjects, mostly because of my long experience, but if anyone wants me to discuss my opinion on a subject feel free to drop a comment and I will consider it. I think it will be a great way to interact with those that follow me.
As always. Remember, Always Keep Fighting.
Photo Credit: Reed Pearson