The reason I started to write this blog was for two reasons, to showcase my writing abilities and my writing projects in one space. The second was so that anyone reading this blog would get a glimpse into the mind of a Bipolar One manic depressant.
This might be the beginning of a depression cycle and as I stare down into the darkness in front of me, which is the road to depression… Will I have the strength to turn back?
I haven’t been happy. Well, that’s not true, I have been happy about where my writing is taking me over the past two months. I can fall back on the fact that it has been all positive on my blog as of late when it comes to sharing my life with you. But the fact is I have been on the fringe of depression for weeks, and I am starting to sense familiar patterns that lead me to believe that things are leading down another depression cycle. I get it. It is a part of my life, and I have the skills to combat it, but if my past is any indication I may give in at some point even if its temporary.
It’s the small things that are becoming an issue. My room is messy, as I have a ton books piled everywhere from research from school, research for my writing, and of course just books that I am reading. I have hardly made my bed the past few weeks. It’s the little things that are piling up in my life and I am finding every excuse to why I can’t fix these things. It’s a clear sign that my depression is starting to take over.
I broke down yesterday with my therapist and talked about everything that was weighing heavy my mind. It’s a lot of things. The thing is when things go right in my life—my grades are excellent this semester as always, and I have been focused on my writing. I’ve made some amazing connections here on my blog but is it selfish if I have a need to feel great all the time? I’ve earned that right? But lately, I am going from crisis to crisis.
My social anxiety is out of control again and I’ve talked at length in different blog posts about my insomnia issues (which I have corrected with a balance of medicine, meditation, and mindfulness breathing.) But, at night I feel empty and alone. I am falling again into that deep darkness that is my depression.
My depression cycles in the past have started this way. The little things start to compile into making me feel lost, listless, and hopeless. Then someone throws a bad curveball into my life. Recently, my best friend asking me to help her commit suicide, she knows my history with suicide better than most in this world and she knows my feelings on the subject. After that she disappears from my life.
Who does that? Am I right to feel depressed about it? Yeah, that happened to me over two weeks ago. I thought that I would be okay but then she stopped talking to me. Did I do something wrong? I can’t force myself into someone’s life, but I really tried to help her, I did everything I could but she pushed me away. So, I thought I’d moved on and not let this get to me.
I realized during my therapy session that, like so many times in my life, I put real emotions on the back burner and as always it eats away at my soul. I can link my increased my social anxiety and increased depression over the last week to this event as I look back, but in the moment, I just pushed it aside for another day. I should have let go and moved on, but my depression is starting to feel like the start of a cycle and it’s because I never face my issues.
I noticed that my greatest flaw in life is that I care about others too much and it puts my own mental health at risk. Knowing my past and how depression takes me over this time of year I could have done a better at working on the problems in my life that are the toughest, like telling my friend that she was being selfish to ask me that and then disappear from my life. I have been down that far before and I get the feeling of wanting to be alone. I didn’t ask her to tell me that, and it’s not like I can turn off caring about her.
If I am being honest, at my lowest I never asked for help so I can understand. But, why burden me with the fact that it will always be on my mind if something happens. You can tell the right people and try to get them help. Honestly, though I have faked telling doctors more times in my life than I care to admit that I was fine and they believed me. In so many ways my hands are tied, but I still care. This person is a part of my life.
I am a major advocate against suicide because I know what it feels like to not want to be a part of this world.
I have had good days recently, don’t get me wrong, but I have been here before and it always ends with me falling endlessly into depression with no hope for weeks, months, and even years. I have so much good in my life right now. I am finally in a good place with myself as a writer. I have to work on me and my mental health.
So much can change in a single day. I could wake tomorrow and decide I can’t get out of bed and then it’s weeks of not leaving my house. It’s a possibility. I guess if you are reading this, I wrote this at 2am, so it means I got up and started my day. That must be my mindset no matter if the depression starts to control me again. I can take it one day at a time. One moment at a time, and even one word at a time. Thank you for reading my second honest post.
I wouldn’t mind feedback on this post.
Remember, Always Keep Fighting.
Photo Credit: Elti Meshau