My Second Honest Post

The reason I started to write this blog was for two reasons, to showcase my writing abilities and my writing projects in one space. The second was so that anyone reading this blog would get a glimpse into the mind of a Bipolar One manic depressant.

This might be the beginning of a depression cycle and as I stare down into the darkness in front of me, which is the road to depression… Will I have the strength to turn back?

I haven’t been happy. Well, that’s not true, I have been happy about where my writing is taking me over the past two months. I can fall back on the fact that it has been all positive on my blog as of late when it comes to sharing my life with you. But the fact is I have been on the fringe of depression for weeks, and I am starting to sense familiar patterns that lead me to believe that things are leading down another depression cycle. I get it. It is a part of my life, and I have the skills to combat it, but if my past is any indication I may give in at some point even if its temporary.

It’s the small things that are becoming an issue. My room is messy, as I have a ton books piled everywhere from research from school, research for my writing, and of course just books that I am reading. I have hardly made my bed the past few weeks. It’s the little things that are piling up in my life and I am finding every excuse to why I can’t fix these things. It’s a clear sign that my depression is starting to take over.

I broke down yesterday with my therapist and talked about everything that was weighing heavy my mind. It’s a lot of things. The thing is when things go right in my life—my grades are excellent this semester as always, and I have been focused on my writing. I’ve made some amazing connections here on my blog but is it selfish if I have a need to feel great all the time? I’ve earned that right? But lately, I am going from crisis to crisis. 

My social anxiety is out of control again and I’ve talked at length in different blog posts about my insomnia issues (which I have corrected with a balance of medicine, meditation, and mindfulness breathing.) But, at night I feel empty and alone. I am falling again into that deep darkness that is my depression. 

My depression cycles in the past have started this way. The little things start to compile into making me feel lost, listless, and hopeless. Then someone throws a bad curveball into my life. Recently, my best friend asking me to help her commit suicide, she knows my history with suicide better than most in this world and she knows my feelings on the subject. After that she disappears from my life.

Who does that? Am I right to feel depressed about it? Yeah, that happened to me over two weeks ago. I thought that I would be okay but then she stopped talking to me. Did I do something wrong? I can’t force myself into someone’s life, but I really tried to help her, I did everything I could but she pushed me away. So, I thought I’d moved on and not let this get to me.

I realized during my therapy session that, like so many times in my life, I put real emotions on the back burner and as always it eats away at my soul. I can link my increased my social anxiety and increased depression over the last week to this event as I look back, but in the moment, I just pushed it aside for another day. I should have let go and moved on, but my depression is starting to feel like the start of a cycle and it’s because I never face my issues.

I noticed that my greatest flaw in life is that I care about others too much and it puts my own mental health at risk. Knowing my past and how depression takes me over this time of year I could have done a better at working on the problems in my life that are the toughest, like telling my friend that she was being selfish to ask me that and then disappear from my life. I have been down that far before and I get the feeling of wanting to be alone. I didn’t ask her to tell me that, and it’s not like I can turn off caring about her.

If I am being honest, at my lowest I never asked for help so I can understand. But, why burden me with the fact that it will always be on my mind if something happens. You can tell the right people and try to get them help. Honestly, though I have faked telling doctors more times in my life than I care to admit that I was fine and they believed me. In so many ways my hands are tied, but I still care. This person is a part of my life.

I am a major advocate against suicide because I know what it feels like to not want to be a part of this world.

I have had good days recently, don’t get me wrong, but I have been here before and it always ends with me falling endlessly into depression with no hope for weeks, months, and even years. I have so much good in my life right now. I am finally in a good place with myself as a writer. I have to work on me and my mental health.

So much can change in a single day. I could wake tomorrow and decide I can’t get out of bed and then it’s weeks of not leaving my house. It’s a possibility. I guess if you are reading this, I wrote this at 2am, so it means I got up and started my day. That must be my mindset no matter if the depression starts to control me again. I can take it one day at a time. One moment at a time, and even one word at a time. Thank you for reading my second honest post.

I wouldn’t mind feedback on this post.

Remember, Always Keep Fighting.

J.E. Skye

Photo Credit: Elti Meshau

49 Replies to “My Second Honest Post”

  1. I am so proud of you. You are doing it right and everything will be alright eventually. Sending love and power on your way❤

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Thank you for this raw and honest post. Not an easy read, and I would imagine probably extremely difficult to write. I’m at the opposite side of the cycle from you, just getting out of my depression phase, and man, it took some time this time. Of course what your friend did, asking for help with suicide and then avoiding you, would weigh heavy on you, it would on anyone but the most callous of people. And of course you would want to help, who wouldn’t. I wish I could give you some sage advise, but one bipolar to another, I don’t really have one. Other than – her mental health is not your responsibility. Your own is. She seems to be cutting off any avenues of communication with you through which you could offer help. If she is suicidal, perhaps you know someone else she’s close to you could inform of that fact? She clearly does need help, but you are not the person responsible for that.

    As to your own depression, there’s nothing you don’t already know that I could say. Try to keep going. Take your meds, try to maintain a healthy sleeping pattern, start tracking your mood daily, eat well, try to get exercise, don’t pretend you’re doing better than you actually are to your therapist (I’m guilty of that one frequently myself, it helps no one), the daily chores that are piling up – try to do one of them a day, or use the 5 minute rule – start doing something for 5 minutes, if you find that you can keep going and complete the task, great, if not, you know you’ve at least tried. Break chores down into 5 minute tasks, don’t say “I’ll clean my room”, say “I’ll put this particular pile of stuff in order, or I’ll put on a wash, etc., try scheduling them into your day. I’m trying to remember, sorry I’ve read a lot of posts lately, if it was you who wrote about using a light box, I think it was, keep doing that. Keep writing. Keep talking. Courage!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for your reply and sharing your own journey. You are right my mental health is so important. My best friends brother is also a best friend of mine, their family has always been close, so I can keep an eye out. I have to come to realize your point that I am not responsible for her mental health.

      Thank you for the second half of your comment. I usually take an all or nothing approach, but it might be very useful to use the 5-minute rule. That is amazing and I think it might work.

      Again thank you for taking a moment out of your day to read my post.

      J.E. Skye

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I applaud your courage for writing this post. It takes a lot of courage to talk about the things you talk about, even if you know the people reading it don’t actually know exactly who you are, but the people reading this seem to care more than you would actually think.
    The woman who asked you to help her commit suicide is not a true friend. Knowing your history she should never have asked that. And if she does not want your help with her mental health then you need to let her disappear. I know that will hurt, but you need to look after number one, which is you. as hard as this might be you need to let it go and move on and concentrate on your depression.
    I hope you are feeling better in the next weeks to come.
    Chill Mom

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You may be right but it makes it hard that she is my best friend and family to me. But your point makes sense, and my therapist agrees, I have to work on my own mental health.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Sometimes you even have to let go of family to improve your own mental health! I had to, it is hard but it makes you a better person for you, not for everyone else!

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Dear James, I don’t know what I could possibly say to help, but I’m here and I’m listening and I’ll pray for you if you’re agreeable to that.
    Tracey x

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Thanks for sharing this. It’s hard to see things for what they really are when you’re in dark mode. Your friend’s actions are her own and you have no control over them, good or bad. You are not responsible for someone else’s happiness. This friend is being very selfish, especially since she knows you are in a sensitive and vulnerable spot yourself. But it sounds like you already know all this 🙂 Stay positive. You are on the right track.

    Liked by 3 people

  6. I understand putting the real emotions ‘on the back burner’. For Me its one of the nastiest things I can do for myself … and thats been a long slow lesson to learn.
    I hope you find some peace today … Your honesty is admirable ❤

    Liked by 3 people

      1. James, I know it seems easier to give your emotions to someone else who appears to need you but just remember you should take care of yourself first so you are better able to take care of the ones you love. Taking each day as it comes [your words] is the smart thing to do.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. As i read your blog I know how hard things are …. those little things grow into huge deals over time.
    My mood swings are so very opposite one minute I’m feeling a failure and totally useless as soon as I am aware of this then I pounce into something to lift my mood which is how I’ve managed this week setting out a timetable practically to the hour and so far i’m beginning to feel i’m on the up. (although today wasn’t 100%) tomorrow will be better
    Try and stay positive … do a little each day and stay strong and true to yourself xx

    Liked by 2 people

  8. I don’t know you or your situation, so I hope my advice is useful. This is something that took me awhile to accept. I realized I didn’t need to bear the burden of the world. I faced my anxious thoughts, and told them I didn’t need to believe them anymore.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. remember to keep fighting….i love it…i am sorry that your friend asked you to do such a thing……but know you are here and you have a purpose…keep working with your therapist/psychiatrist and you will do well……be open about your depression….i know cause im currently there myself and i feel like im in a hole trying to claw my way out……it’s horrible……..by the way, love your writing style….are you taking creative writing classes?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have taken many creative writing classes. I am actually almost done (next year) with my bachelors degree in creative writing with a specialization in fiction writing. My minors are in journalism, screenwriting and political science. That is where my writing chops come from lots of trial and error in writing classes. I try to work on my craft everyday. I hope that you find a way out of your depression. Thank you for you kind words!

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Very chilling, eye-opening, and extremely well written. It’s always difficult to be vulnerable publicly. But it gives you a sense of control over what’s going on in your mind- at least it does for me, I don’t know if you feel the same way! But I loved this and I can’t wait to read more from you.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. You already have lots of wonderful people giving you good vibes on this post but I wanted to do my bit as well. As someone who has to constantly remind myself to put my mental health first, i get what you are saying.

    Your bestfriend is being selfish for sure but she might be in a dark place and probably needs help. Everyone needs a bit of help with ourselves. I hope you are there for her to impact positively in her life. Do take care of yourself first though. 🙂

    Like

    1. It’s tough because it’s like she has disappeared in my life. Not answering my texts. I know she is okay because of social media. But your right I may need to wait this out. Maybe she just needs to find herself. I will keep trying. Thank you for you perspective.

      Liked by 1 person

  12. I think that a friendship requires respect. I feel that she is not respecting where you are to even ask this of you. She has crossed a line. A boundary that is unfair to cross putting you in a situation where you will be more distressed. I’m sorry she did that to you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your kind words. I would never ask that of anyone and never did over the times that I tried. I’m not saying I was right there because suicide is never the answer but to ask me that, I still can’t believe someone who knows my history better than most would do that to me and then disappear. As you said, friendship requires respect.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Friends can really be heartbreaking can’t they. You let them in. You hope that they know you well enough to have that respect/courtesy/kindness to be unconditional and selfless and then to be so brazen and so insensitive. It is just heartbreaking. As if we need anything else added to our own plate!

        Liked by 1 person

  13. I know the feeling mate. Social Anxiety and Depression is hard work. I admire your honesty and courage to post about your feelings. I find it difficult at times to share so openly and in the back of my mind fear is always not too far away(Fear of judgement from others). Sending Love your way and I hope things improve for you soon. Joel 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  14. James, I understand where you are coming from. It can be tough but thank you for putting yourself out there to the world and community. It makes me feel less alone and isolated.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Oh my gosh, I am so so sorry that happened to you with your friend. I have to agree with Bethanyk, that does cross a HUGE line, particularly when you have attempted suicide before yourself. I also get what you mean though, it’s very hard to turn off feelings for someone immediately, especially when you might have worry and regret mixed in.

    I don’t know if this will help, but when I was thirteen I had a slightly older friend try to kill herself while on the phone to me. Luckily she survived, but for years after I felt like I had caused it by doing or saying the wrong thing on that phone call. I had another “friend” who rubbed this is over the next two years (he had also been close to the friend who had attempted suicide) and used it to manipulate my actions through guilt. I was very lucky that my uncle is a suicide counsellor and one day after I opened up he told me that what happened was not my fault. That nothing I could have done or said could have changed her actions, what I needed to focus on to move forward was doing what was right for me.

    Ultimately that’s what I want to say to you, nothing you could have said or done could have changed what your friend did or does in relation to her, but you have done absolutely everything right for you, and I hope you continue to do so. No matter what happens it is not your fault. You are amazingly strong to keep going at all after that awful experience. You have managed to write it down far sooner than I wrote the experience I shared above (this is the first time I’ve written it in anything other than a personal journal), and that is truly, truly amazing. Sharing your experiences with depression, bipolar and social anxiety is so helpful and courageous. Your blog has got me through some tough stuff recently. I really hope this winter is less hard, and that things ease up soon. You’ll be in my thoughts.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I appreciate this, more than you will ever know. It is one of the hardest things letting myself off the hook. Thank you for sharing your own experience. It puts what I am going through into perspective and it helps knowing that I am not alone in this world. Sharing has been one of the greatest experiences in my life.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m glad I could help, even if just in a small way. Letting yourself realise that whatever happens or happened isn’t your fault is probably one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done, and it’s something that I often have to consciously continue to do (thank you CBT, it’s wonderful therapy!). It helps me as well, knowing that I’m not alone in those awful experiences, and I’m grateful you were brave enough to share your story. They’re tough ones to talk about.

        Liked by 1 person

  16. Loved your post and your courage at finding out what’s triggered the start of feeling depressed. I too am more tired than normal. I think it’s the lack of sun. I am taking vitamin D and B50 complex. Hopefully they will help. Last year I went to bed two hours earlier in winter. I plan to tough it out this year and stay up later. I still get up early. 5:00 am. But I used to get up at 3:00 am. I’m trying to stay on this cycle however. It’s going to take some work. It’s difficult when friends set you up like your friend did about suicide. Especially if she knows that you get depressed. I have read a lot of sayings lately where they say to avoid drama. That it just brings you down. Keep writing. I think that it will help your depression. I enjoy reading your posts and can relate. You write from the heart which is good. Thank you. Good luck!

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Thank you for your honesty. But you said it yourself: “I have to work on me and my mental health.” This includes letting go of what happened with your friend. I know what the dark days are like. I walk the line at the edge of it every day, and often struggle to get out of bed. But again, like you mentioned, I take it a day at a time, an hour at a time, a task at a time, if I have to, and a word at a time. I know this is hard, because it’s hard for me too, but try not to worry about what’s ahead. Think about the NOW.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. I have unipolar depression, so I know our experiences are different, but I know that spiral into darkness all too well. It’s great that you have a therapist, medication, and also a creative outlet within this blog! Personally, I’ve loved making use of an app called Pacifica. It has tools for tracking moods, free guided meditations, and also community message boards you can join for advice and support.

    I know the darkness closes in around you, but you’re not alone in there.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. You did all you could for your friend and it was her decision to remove you from her life whether than be for a short period or time or longer but I can understand dwelling on it but try to remember you did all you could and you can not take responsibility for her actions.
    Your post is incredibly brave and I think you should take it as a positive that you can recognise where you are in your cycle, it may not stop the cycle from progressing but maybe it will give you some strength in dealing with that progression.
    Take it one hour at a time and keep reaching out to those people or activities you feel benefit you at this time and be gentle on yourself.
    Keeping you in my thoughts and hoping this cycle either stops or is very short-lived

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Thanks for sharing your words. Beautiful presents scattered onto my screen: lol I mean scattered is endearing… You write so much! I hope one day to be so confident. I hope you continue on this writing journey, too. We got this! X

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I do plan to continue my writing. It has been so therapeutic for me. I know, we got this!! I hope you do find one day the confidence that you are searching for.

      Liked by 1 person

  21. I found so many relatable things in the post. First, the little things falling away as depression kicks in is always a clear sign for me as well. Second, your friend was selfish. I too care and love people so hard! Yet, in my time of need I am always alone. I guess it’s because I am stronger than they are.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That is a great way at looking at things, that you are stronger person than they are. Its sad that people we trust can do this to us, but life is not always nice. Thank you sharing.

      Like

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