And It Begins…​

I really hate this time of year. 

I am depressed. again. It never seems to fail.

The familiar feelings are taking control of me, I could feel it all weekend and especially last night. My depression consumes every waking moment of my day and night. I woke up this morning with a feeling of dread. I had trouble completing the simplest of tasks today like making my bed or making myself a coffee. I am writing in bed today because it is too hard to leave my bed behind.

I woke up today and felt empty inside. Over the weekend, my focus was out of place and things that I love, like playing a video game, just felt pointless. These things have helped my depression but when you feel unable to move from your bed because it feels safe, it starts to eat away at everything I have worked on to fight my depression during the winter months. My energy was zapped so that just taking a step was emotionally painful. 

My week started great. I wrote chapters in memoir and spent time editing my novel. I spent a few hours yesterday writing at my favorite coffee shop, and the session was good, but then I came home spending the rest of the day and night in bed. I never left. I didn’t eat dinner.

I can trace it to the change in my increased depression to the major fluctuation in weather. Last Monday it reached 100 degrees here in California. The next three days it was 90 degrees, and then low eighties. Then the temperature dropped drastically over the weekend to where the high for the day was the low sixties. It was cloudy all weekend and I got no sun, and it made a major difference.

I can feel the darkness my depression brings, the sadness washing over me, and my soul being drained. I can feel the serious shift in my mood and as it becomes clearer that the depression will stay, at least for now.

I have written about the season component of my Bipolar one diagnosis.  It never fails that my depression starts to begin to take over as I near the month of November. Do I worry about it so much that I make it possible for the depression to take over? Given my history and the most important milestone in my life is coming up, how can I not worry.

I am nearing a major event in my life. The ten year anniversary of my first suicide and my diagnosis in three weeks. I knew going into late October that I would feel the effects of where my mind goes to in November with my depression. I just thought I would be stronger and be in a better position fighting the depression.

I thought the one person, my so-called best friend would be there for me, as she has in the past. Without her I really am alone. 

It is always hardest at night when I am alone. I have always reveled in the fact that I am a loner introvert. Relationships in my life just haven’t worked. So I am alone. I have been for a long time. But, some nights I realize how alone I really.

So many things crowd my mind as the year starts coming to a close. Doubt starts to consume me as I continue to struggle with selling my screenplay. Could it be that all my work this last year won’t mean anything? My writing feels good but when doubt sets in on one project it can snowball and my thoughts turn to if writing is even worth it.

My fears start to become real in my mind. I fear that, as good as things are on my blog, that I will not be able to connect with enough people so that my literary work can get out there in the world. I have tried the last two months very unsuccessfully to get a literary agent to look at my work. It is a process that I am new at, and I have no connection to the industry. I still have options, but being a new screenwriter is working against me.

I am depressed. It’s getting worse. I have no choice but to work on it. I think for today I will give in. Take another day to refocus. Today isn’t my day. I may take a small vacation from blogging, just a few days, nothing major.

For today depression you have won the battle, but we are going to war in the next few months. 

Always Keep Fighting

J.E. Skye

Photo Credit: Paul Gilmore

32 Replies to “And It Begins…​”

  1. Hey,

    Would you mind if I share your blog on my page?

    I’m trying to make a page on facebook where people can come together and help eachother. And I think it’ll be great to have someone else’s experiences also shared on it.

    Thankyou

    Ricky

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I go through this same thing when the seasons change. It’s been a little better the last couple days. I hope it gets better for you as well. Thank you for sharing.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I tend to feel the same way when there is lack of sun. I try to push myself to still go outside for a bit to try to adjust my mood or meditating in front of a window sometimes. Sending good vibes 💙

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This is the worst time of year for me, too, so I can relate. (I’ll be posting about it tomorrow.) As a fellow writer, I can also relate to the loneliness of writing and often wondering whether or not I should continue to bother. I don’t have experience with the novel publishing industry, as I used to write poetry and now write short stories. I’ve had several of both published in literary journals.

    The thing I *can* tell you, is not to post your work on your blog or online anywhere yourself. I don’t know about publishing houses, but literary magazines consider your work already published if it appears anywhere online.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. You’ve done really well to get this far and I’m proud of you. I’m sorry that you are still struggling greatly but I’m glad you don’t live over here in the UK or your depression would be worse. I know you can’t imagine that, but the weather is atrocious and we’ve just moved into the dark nights, wet pavements, windy trees, frosty roads season and it is not very nice at all. But I do understand that your own environment brings its own challenges and that for you, it is dreadful. I wish you peace during this very sad time.

    Liked by 3 people

      1. I’ve never been to the UK but I hear the winters are icy there. James, have you ever considered a short break in Las Vegas for this, what I assume is a dreadful anniversary? I have been to California and Nevada. California can get a little cold and cloudy. Nevada, on the other hand, has a tendency to stay sunny and warm. Also, there is nightlife in Las Vegas until the dawn breaks. I know it wouldn’t take care of all of your depression but it might help with the seasonal part of it. Plus, getting away from where it happened may be a good thing.

        Like

  5. I suffer from the same symptoms you do, and for mostly the same reasons. Praying helps me, but I do hope that you don’t dwell in the pit of despair-you are loved, you are never alone. Believe it. Good article.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am going to fight it as much as I can, I am working on not dwelling in the pit of despair, and not getting lost on the darkness. Thank you for reading my blog.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I wish nothing but the best for you and your writing career. I know about depression and doubting your work; it’s trash. Going out to the coffee shop and writing/editing is so admirable. You’ve got this.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. What a brilliant and heartbreaking piece of work. I’m honored I got the chance to read this. I can strongly relate to depression this time of year. I struggle with it myself. You are very strong. It’s ok if it wins some battles; mine have. Don’t let it win the war. It doesn’t deserve to. You do. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. I haven’t lost the war, and I don’t plan on doing so. It’s nice to connect with others who feel the same way about this time of year. The battles can be tough. Today I let the depression win a little. I wrote some and took it easy even more. Here is hoping to getting back on track tomorrow.

      Like

  8. I know it too well…November and it’s dark wings…but you know, every day, every hour while we’re still breathing and choosing to stay alive, it’s another battle we’re winning. Sending you a ray of light to brighten the dark skies…You are not alone, amazing warrior!
    Claudia

    Liked by 1 person

  9. My very sincere empathy over your struggle to find an agent. I know that one; what writer doesn’t? I still don’t have representation myself, so I don’t feel I can give you much advice other than this one nugget: think outside the box. The best reaction I received was from a letter I wrote from the perspective of one of my characters. Didn’t get me an agent, but it did get mentioned as THE reason discussions were opened.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. It sounds tough. I too have had many a day where I couldn’t get out of bed both with ongoing mental health and physical health conditions. Once I spent one day in bed, I often have found it snowballed into many. Luckily in the last couple of years, I’ve discovered a couple of bloggers and vloggers who have only been able to make stuff occasionally for various reasons. Their work is always brilliant, and they try not to push themselves and care for the mental health first. That’s been my inspiration and what I try to do. I want to write scripts and make my short films, but at the moment all I have the energy to do is blog, so I do that and I enjoy the small achievement.

    It’s difficult not being able to find an agent or a publisher (I, like almost every writer I think, can understand) but remember, despite not having an agent, you do have an audience. There are over 600 people following your blog, wanting to hear what you have to say. That’s not surprising as I genuinely think your blog is one of the most eloquent things on mental illness I’ve ever read. You describe your experience clearly, without being patronising to either yourself or readers who haven’t experienced mental illness. The fact that you can do that with such clarity is truly incredible. Please take a break if you need one, but always remember that you have an audience wanting to read your writing when you are ready to come back. Your voice is most definitely heard. Keep fighting the good fight.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. This helps so much you may never know how much this means to me. I really don’t mind at all reading a novel in my comments. Thank you for all this and you are right. I am starting to get overwhelmed about the little things that I am losing sight of the positives that people reading my blog get from my work. I always try to write on my blog to connect with others like us, or those seeking guidance to help someone who has a mental illness in their lives. I just have to trust the process

      On a side note I am talking to a publishing house about my me memoir this week, so I guess trusting the process and being patient is something I must learn to do!

      Thank you for sharing.

      Like

  11. Hi, James!
    You are an incredible writer. You are able to walk your readers through your experiences in a way that is nearly tangible. I am so sorry that this time of year is so hard on you, but I am so glad that you are alive, and so glad that you write. Praying for you during this season, and also praying for screenplay opportunities and connections for you. Keep fighting the good fight, friend!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your kind words. It really does help me through this time of year. This would be the first time in my life that I have used my blog to help me get through this time of year. It is an interesting thing and it really does help me when people like yourself send me positive vibes.

      Like

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