I really hate this time of year.
I am depressed. again. It never seems to fail.
The familiar feelings are taking control of me, I could feel it all weekend and especially last night. My depression consumes every waking moment of my day and night. I woke up this morning with a feeling of dread. I had trouble completing the simplest of tasks today like making my bed or making myself a coffee. I am writing in bed today because it is too hard to leave my bed behind.
I woke up today and felt empty inside. Over the weekend, my focus was out of place and things that I love, like playing a video game, just felt pointless. These things have helped my depression but when you feel unable to move from your bed because it feels safe, it starts to eat away at everything I have worked on to fight my depression during the winter months. My energy was zapped so that just taking a step was emotionally painful.
My week started great. I wrote chapters in memoir and spent time editing my novel. I spent a few hours yesterday writing at my favorite coffee shop, and the session was good, but then I came home spending the rest of the day and night in bed. I never left. I didn’t eat dinner.
I can trace it to the change in my increased depression to the major fluctuation in weather. Last Monday it reached 100 degrees here in California. The next three days it was 90 degrees, and then low eighties. Then the temperature dropped drastically over the weekend to where the high for the day was the low sixties. It was cloudy all weekend and I got no sun, and it made a major difference.
I can feel the darkness my depression brings, the sadness washing over me, and my soul being drained. I can feel the serious shift in my mood and as it becomes clearer that the depression will stay, at least for now.
I have written about the season component of my Bipolar one diagnosis. It never fails that my depression starts to begin to take over as I near the month of November. Do I worry about it so much that I make it possible for the depression to take over? Given my history and the most important milestone in my life is coming up, how can I not worry.
I am nearing a major event in my life. The ten year anniversary of my first suicide and my diagnosis in three weeks. I knew going into late October that I would feel the effects of where my mind goes to in November with my depression. I just thought I would be stronger and be in a better position fighting the depression.
I thought the one person, my so-called best friend would be there for me, as she has in the past. Without her I really am alone.
It is always hardest at night when I am alone. I have always reveled in the fact that I am a loner introvert. Relationships in my life just haven’t worked. So I am alone. I have been for a long time. But, some nights I realize how alone I really.
So many things crowd my mind as the year starts coming to a close. Doubt starts to consume me as I continue to struggle with selling my screenplay. Could it be that all my work this last year won’t mean anything? My writing feels good but when doubt sets in on one project it can snowball and my thoughts turn to if writing is even worth it.
My fears start to become real in my mind. I fear that, as good as things are on my blog, that I will not be able to connect with enough people so that my literary work can get out there in the world. I have tried the last two months very unsuccessfully to get a literary agent to look at my work. It is a process that I am new at, and I have no connection to the industry. I still have options, but being a new screenwriter is working against me.
I am depressed. It’s getting worse. I have no choice but to work on it. I think for today I will give in. Take another day to refocus. Today isn’t my day. I may take a small vacation from blogging, just a few days, nothing major.
For today depression you have won the battle, but we are going to war in the next few months.
Always Keep Fighting
Photo Credit: Paul Gilmore