It has been an interesting week for me both as a writer and a human being. I have been able to write and be effective this week, but not at the level I would like to be at some days. In the past, my creativity has always taken a backseat to my depression in past years especially at this time of the year.
November will always be the hardest month of the seasonal element of my Bipolar One diagnosis. My history in this month has been nothing but bad over the last ten years. Ten years of bad experiences have to lead me to dread this month and it is no wonder that my mind wonders the “what if” scenarios dance in my head.
I have tried my best this year to be proactive and not let my depression keep me from my goals. This month started out good, or at least okay, but to be honest, my depression has started to control my effectiveness in all aspects of my life. Even today I had trouble finding the creative spirit to write this piece or do any work on my memoir. I considered just taking a break and trying again tomorrow, but I desperately want to change the narrative that I can’t be effective during the month of November.
I have struggled the first two weeks of my winter semester. I have gotten my school work done, I always make sure to get that my school work gets done especially since I am so close to finishing my degree. It doesn’t mean it’s not a struggle to stay focused. It only gets harder from here with pending projects coming almost weekly for school, and I worry about my effectiveness of completing tasks, and if I will have to choose between school work and writing (my blog and my memoir.)
It is in my nature to be the kind of person that worries about every aspect of my life. My creativity and my writing have really taken a turn over the last few months in a positive way. I have found my place in my writing for the first time ever. Even writing my first screenplay and the novel version of Memory of Shane, my creativity was never consistent. I started the screenplay last year around this time and my depression often kept me from finishing it until the New Year.
I think one thing that is affecting me so much is my feelings about my ten-year anniversary that is less than ten days away. So much can happen between now and then, it scares me sometimes to even think about that I have really made this far. I never thought I would get here ten years ago or even five years ago. I have had to struggle every step of the way, and more than once I have taken major steps back.
At the same time, I am in a great place in where my creativity in my written work is the best it’s been. I always feel better after a long writing session at my favorite coffee shop. I haven’t felt this good about writing in so long.
The best thing for me is to is work through my depression. Even writing this post, when I honestly felt like not writing at all, has helped me. Maybe I can finish editing my screenplay tonight as I get it ready for some fall screenplay competitions.
I am curious to hear from my followers, what do you find effective when depression and creativity collide.
Photo Credit: Aleks Dorohovich