The Feeling of Loneliness​ ​

I am usually okay with being alone in my life. It suits my personality being an introverted writer, and for most of this year being alone was not an issue. Its been a good year for the most part with the exception of the last month or two. I have been super busy with my writing. I’m about to finish my degree in a few months. My blog has helped me explore every part of my diagnosis, the good and the bad. But, I have created a shell around myself where being alone in the world has been my constant companion. I am a lone wolf.

It doesn’t mean I don’t get lonely. For so long I have used so many excuses of why getting into a relationship with someone is such a bad idea. There is the fact that it seems impossible to let people in my life. I worry about what I will bring to a relationship, and given my past relationships, it’s never a good. My depression and anxiety control most of my day and how can I ask someone to take my issues on?

I often blame it on being an introvert, which has always been a part of me. I can hide from the real world behind my glasses, headphones, music and my writing when I am in the real world. I can’t remember the last conversation I had with someone outside of texting. I am alone in my own world for so many hours of the day. Sure I talk with my followers here on my blog and those are much-needed connections, but sometimes real human connections help.

I have my blog and it helps to make real connections with people, but I will be the first to admit it’s easier than being around people in life.

My past relationships were great up until the point where my depression and anxiety take over my life. My last girlfriend had to live with the change that her boyfriend didn’t want to live in the same world as her. I was about to go through some of the deepest darkest depression, and to bring that into someone else’s life, would be unfair. I ended my relationship with my last girlfriend to save her from what was to come.

Doesn’t mean I don’t get lonely.

So much of who I have been over the last ten years is me, going through my life, alone. My struggles are my own. When I have high anxiety late at night that leads to panic attacks, I fight through it alone.

My depression has been bad this week, and it makes sense given what the meaning of next week means in my life. I am afraid of what comes next. I have lived in the bubble for the last ten years, and the way my writing is going I am opening up more now than ever in my life. Doesn’t mean I don’t get lonely.

I thought this year, I had my best friend back in my life. For a time she was here for me, but she has disappeared again. The moment I made the decision to not help her commit suicide was the moment I lost her in my life.

This is my depression talking which has once again captured every aspect of my life once again. The holiday season has always been rough but being alone now, when over the last few months I have opened myself up to the world, it seems different this time. I know this feeling won’t last forever, and that it just something that will work itself out eventually.

So, if you have someone hold them close, especially if you are dealing with a mental illness. Some of us, are more alone than others.

I will get through this, it’s just something I do.

J.E. Skye

If You Can, Please Support My Blog

The Bipolar Writer and this blog will be going through some major changes over the next couple of months. I am looking to expand what this blog does on a daily basis. I am asking for any donations from my fellow bloggers to pay for equipment (a laptop) to help with the issues with my current computer. Great things are coming and any little bit helps. Have a happy holiday season and a merry Christmas.

$1.00

Photo Credit: Raul Petri

68 Replies to “The Feeling of Loneliness​ ​”

  1. Wise to realize this is a part, not the whole. But I understand the depression, too… and it often lies and we believe it. So does the mania, come to think of it. Keeping your feet on the ground is the most difficult thing of all.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Wow, a very freakishly similar story to me. Even the decade long of suffering alone.

    But it’s ironic that we lone wolf’s, are so fucking creative.

    You are doing so much, blogging, writing books, attending college.

    It’s just that introverts can handle being alone because we have our own minds and creativity to keep us busy.

    But again as you said that doesn’t mean we don’t get lonely.

    And it seems like you are doing great by being able to express yourself through your writing. I hope that you accomplish all that you are setting out to do.

    Thanks for sharing. It’s always a surprise when I read another bloggers words and it feels like they stole a page from my diary.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thank you for your amazing feedback and thoughtful comment. I am very much comfortable being alone because it feel right considering all that I need to get done this year and into the next. Just certain days like today I feel more alone in the world.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. You’ll make it through the darkness. I know it’s just a platitude that I don’t always believe myself, but you will. I’m rooting for you.

    I have been in a relationship for 18 years, with plenty of ups and downs because of my bipolar and anxiety. I realize I’m lucky to have someone supportive and encouraging, but at times, I still feel lonely. It’s still possible to feel that way even if you’re in a relationship and have tons of real life friends. I don’t know what causes the feeling, but I’m thinking it’s depression.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I know what you mean. In my past relationships I have felt this lonely as well. It is possible that I am not able to really connect with people on a certain level.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. “I am the lone wolf” – superb line. I often think that of myself, even in relationships. Other than my late husband, who somehow centered me so well. Excellent post. I can only imagine a conversation with you, as I think you have much to share with others. Not just about this illness, but life.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Well I can say with certainty that you are not alone in feeling this way. I’ve been through the motions dealing with my own depression and anxiety while dating and being in a relationship, and seen many of my partners struggling with similar issues. I’ve also recently decided to slow down on dating and focus on my writing, telling myself that this is about self-improvement and healing, but I must admit, part of me is also retreating & trying to protect the people I care about from my issues. It’s a delicate balance, and I’m often the type of person to go from one extreme to the next, so I’m figuring things out as I go, just as you seem to be doing. Thank you for your bravery in expressing your open and honest feelings through your writing. It really helps to know we’re not alone, even if we’re just connecting on a platform like this. I’ll be sending positive thoughts your way & hope we both find that sense of connection out in the “real world”.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for sharing your own experiences. As you mentioned it does help to know that I am not alone in these thoughts on life. I think the scariest thing would have been no one understanding. Like you I have my writing which is getting me through some of the worst of these feelings. I think eventually as I work towards getting better I will find connections to the real world.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. There was a time when I felt as you do but now I choose to be alone. Relationships are too stressful for me, the idea of allowing someone in to my life, having to consider someone elses needs just puts me in to a state of panic. There are odd moments when I miss sharing things with someone but I have my cats, they love me unconditionally and will never betray my trust. My flat is my sanctuary and I can’t imagine sharing my space with someone else. However I understand your conflicting struggle of feeling lonely and inflicting despair (sorry about choice of words) on another person. I hope you feel better soon and if it’s right for you, meet someone that will be supportive and make you both happy. *empathy icon*

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It makes sense, your word choice. My life has been so messy over the last ten years it’s hard to being someone into my world. It is still a struggle to be alone as you said. Thank you for sharing.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. yup… I talked about this with my therapist and he gave me an assignment this week, to open up to my girlfriend and to not let past relationships dictate my present one. To not make “my problems” only mine. It makes the other person feel alone and distant. Hard for us to understand but I think he may be right. What do we have to lose?..
    Comes in waves.. you’ll make it through.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That is some great advice. I sometimes wish I would have been smarter with my last girlfriend, she might have been the one. But we have to live with our decisions. Thank you for sharing.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I hope more people who are precious to you come into your life this year. It is always difficult being alone, not matter how much we think we are ok alone. It’s lonely 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I can relate to your post and i am glad, but i would like to say “WORK ON YOUR BRAIN PATTERN”.. There are things hidden in your childhood or teenage that are haunting you. recall those moments feel it deeply, forgive the people who hurt you (forgive them In your mind )… Grab a paper and note down “Who am i ? ” … And you will be amazed by the answer. That’s where you will know your pattern… Be conscious of your pattern and that’s where you will the world.. Peace and consciousness…

    Things will get better, and it will.

    Ask + BELIEVE + receive..

    That’s how it works.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Wow, it must have taken courage to write this. I know the feeling of not wanting someone else to take on your issues. I am often surrounded by a sense of guilt that my husband has to deal with me. I guess it is something that all mental health patients deal with, not only in relationships, but also with family and friends. I’d like to think I am not just my mental illness, and those around me find something else in me that they find worthy. I hope one day you find the courage to also take the small step to let someone else in and see your worth. Take care. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Being an introvert is isolating enough without adding mental illness to it. I have a slew of different mental illnesses and it too feels like I cannot ask someone else to take on my problems just by being with me. Even the one person who is willing to put up with me doesn’t fully get it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That is one of the issues that makes me wonder. Can I be with someone who is like me? That would probably create more havoc for both parties. The other side of that, you mentioned. What if the other party cares but they will never fully get it.

      Like

  12. Forgive me, James, if you or someone else has brought up this topic elsewhere, but as a former DBSA chapter founder & group facilitator for 9 years, I wonder if you’ve ever tried a support group? You probably have, but if not, you could always go to one and see if it feels helpful. I’ve met a few really good friends over the years through these groups. Just a thought!

    Take care, Dyane (a.k.a. Empress Percolatia as my coffee-loving friend Jean Lee calls me! ☕️)

    I found this group on the NAMI Monterey County Site & if you go to the link below, t there’s a one-minute video you might want to watch

    NAMI Family Support Group is a free confidential support group for family members, friends, and partners of loved ones living with a mental illness. Join a caring group of individuals helping one another by utilizing their collective experiences and learned wisdom.

    When: The 1st and 3rd Saturday of the month
    Time: 3:00 p.m. to 4:30p.m.
    New Location: NAMI Monterey County office,
    1020 Merrill Street, Suite 1015
    Salinas, CA 93901

    http://www.namimonterey.org/?page_id=493

    Here’s the link to the DBSA In-Person Group Locator, but I looked and didn’t notice a chapter near Salinas. You could double-check me.

    http://www.dbsalliance.org/site/PageServer?pagename=peer_support_group_locator

    Here’s a DBSA online group option:

    http://www.dbsalliance.org/site/PageServer?pagename=peer_Online_Support_Groups

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Group therapy isn’t right for me, at least this moment. I have had disastrous trials with group therapy. I don’t do great telling my story in that way (verbally) or talking about my feeling to a group. It has taken me such a long time to talk to my therapist about my issues and group scares me. I know NAMI family support group well and my local behavioral health department has a group that meets. I know it seems weird considering I share my life here but writing is something I could always do. Thank you for taking the time to research those resources. I do appreciate it.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. You’re welcome – I figured even if a group wasn’t the right thing for you (which I truly understand) someone else reading the comments might check out the more general links. So sorry you’ve had really horrible experiences. :((((((

        Liked by 1 person

  13. Being lonely is so, so tough. It’s one of my main feelings in my depression. When I did CBT my negative core belief was that I wasn’t good enough to be loved by anyone, that I wasn’t good enough. Period. That feeling of loneliness is something I still struggle with frequently to this day, even if I am around people I will convince myself I am not good enough for their company, friendship or love. Being conscious of where those thoughts come from, for me, really helps and calms me. That’s also when I have a tendency to use video games as a coping mechanism, it takes me out of my own head for a while.

    In terms of relationships, in particular, I can very much relate to being scared of being in a relationship while also struggling with being on your own. Society seems very geared towards adults being part of a couple and seems to struggle when you are not. For me, it was a constant reminder of being alone, which triggered my anxiety all over again. I think we have different experiences of why being in a relationship was hard (as I’ve previously mentioned in the comments, I had an ex who made me feel awful about myself for our entire relationship), but the result was the same: feeling that you are not good enough to be in a relationship. It didn’t really help when my friends told me I was, so I’m not going to invalidate your feelings in that way. Instead, I will say you aren’t alone. We are on the internet but I am sure that all of the people who read your blog care about you, and think your contribution is hugely important, and when you are ready, that will translate into life outside the internet.

    I wanted to remind you as well, that what happened with your best friend is not your fault. She put you in an impossible situation, and you absolutely made the best decision you could. Losing that friendship is still tough, but know that you did absolutely everything right.

    Finally (haha, another novel of a comment) I wanted to say sorry for not being around online as much as I usually am. I think I’ve mentioned before that I have a physical health condition as well as my anxiety and depression, and my physical health is playing up a lot right now. A lot of the pain is in my muscles so even just sitting up on my laptop can hurt, but know even when I am too sick to get on the computer and read it, your blog is never far away from my thoughts, and neither are you. Keep fighting the good fight. You will get there.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I always love reading your comment novels. I think you did mention about your physical health condition so understand when I don’t get to talk to you everyday. I will keep up the good fight! And thank you for always sharing your words of wisdom and experience with me.

      Liked by 1 person

  14. I realised today how lonely I am feeling too. I just wrote about how I realised while sweeping the leaves up outside I was longing for someone to give me a hug and share a cup of tea. I am like you, I isolate a lot. Some would say i am introverting but at times it can be an excuse to self protect and not take the risk to connect. I get very confused about it at times. Its taken me a long time to realise the longing for deeper connections I have buried. I sense them on line here but we just cant meet in skin which is sad in a way. Thank you for posting you. I know you may feel so alone but so many of us feel just like this.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Its sad all your followers cant give you the hug I am sure they would also love to give and receive but I do believe this forum and honesty give us a chance to open up and connect. When you do that is opens the door for others.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thank you the kind words as always. I will be okat, I am always getting past stuff and moving on. I agree, I have made so many great and wonderful connection. Sorry for the late response I tried to do to sleep early last night.

        Like

  15. I had this same conversation with my sister (by heart, not blood) today. She has similar mental health issues as I do. She’s married. I’m divorced. I’ve been shut off to the thought of a relationship for quite some time. I’m just getting to the point that I can even consider the remote possibility of one. I say it that way because it’s still in the maybe there’s a tiny spark of interest to just be open to the idea at this point. But there’s a lot to think about. How can I ask someone to take on my issues. I know it must be incredibly hard for someone to deal with because it is for me.
    I know that it’s hard. I am coming off of manic and back to what I’m hoping a more stable spot. I hate this time of year. When the clocks change my entire system goes into shock. I’m dreading the holidays! I just keep trying to focus on one day. Tomorrow will take care of itself.
    Reach out when you can. Keep writing. Take care of yourself. If/when the right person comes along, you’ll know. (or at least that’s what I’m hoping)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your kind words of wisdom Tabbi. I like the points thst you made throughout your comment. That is my biggest fear, letting someone back into llife and see the real me. COuld my future partnet take that?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I understand. My mom and sister tell me all the time to stop saying “I’m hard to love”. I try to explain that there’s so much someone would have to deal with and accept as part of life. My mom said “If you look at it, everyone has their own set of issues. In that respect we are all hard to love sometimes”. Valid point I guess. I could write more but I swear when I leave comments sometimes I feel like I’m writing a blog post. (Oh and I’d never notice a late response. I don’t come here on a schedule and it’s usually late when I get around to stopping in.)

        Liked by 1 person

  16. This is so heart touching and inspiring as well! I can relate to this post and i just want to say you are strong and brave.And it’s okay to feel this way.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Maybe, your anxieties about being in a relationship with another person signify that you are, ready to get involved with someone, and, sometimes, love happens, and sometimes it doesn’t, just see every relationship as something to learn from, and you’ll be okay…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your kind words. You might be right. Working through my anxieties might be a sign that I am ready to let people in. It is a strong possibility.

      Like

  18. The holidays are tough. I’ve gotten to the point where I go through them in a fog, not really participating but still there. I know it’s easier to push people away when you are low. I’ve done it myself. However, maybe you should try not doing that and see if it may help. [Just a thought.]

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Loneliness is something I’ve always experienced, but I’m not used to the level of loneliness I’ve experienced over the last year or so. Does It get easier? I admire you anyway for your strength and being able to handle it better than I can.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. At times it gets better but this time of the year, when you see everyone else getting close to one another it makes it hard. I know the choices I made to not bring someone in my messy life is right, at least right now. But it doesn’t mean I don’t feel lonely this time of year.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. The holidays are a truly horrible time to be alone. There are too many reminders of what we are missing out on. That’s what makes it painful

        Liked by 1 person

  19. Wow, such a beautiful post. When it comes to mental illness, the feelings of lonely can be conflicting; sometimes you want to hide away from the world, and other times you just want someone to hug you and tell you that you’re not crazy and it’s going to be alright.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. I was alone for a long time, even when I was in a relationship I was alone. I had a friend who always made me feel a little bit brighter, you know the kind like even when you can’t get out of bed and don’t want to talk to answer phone conversations you see their name and still let them know your alive. And he came around during one of my dark times and instead of trying to make me do something, make me participate in things, he just was there. A constant presence.
    I ended up marrying him. I never thought I would be able to do that, find someone that would put up with the ups and downs of my biploar, but somehow I did.
    My advice is start with friendships, not romance. Find the friends who will stick around, they are there even though it doesn’t feel like it.
    If you want someone to talk to, who will just listen you can message me. No one should be lonely, especially this time of year.

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Thank you for opening up. I hope in doing this, you can see that you can talk with humans out in the real world as well, and that people are almost as fucked up as you are (at least that’s been my way of looking at it). Sometimes, they’re even more fucked up, and then you want to steer clear of them because they only drag you down deeper. But I support your writing. I am an editor and would love to work with you if you are looking for one. Even if it’s just for your blog. Whatever. My website is RADediting.com.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I would be interested. I will check out your website. Do you edit screenplays? I am going to be submitting my screenplay for a big winter contest and I could use some extra editing for that piece. And of course my memoir will need an editor when it’s complete.

      Like

  22. You’re very strong for dealing with everything on your own. And it’s definitely hard when you feel like you’re burdening your problems into someone else. It’s hard. And some people lack understanding because it’s not something they’ve ever experienced. If your writing is any consolation, use it as a reminder that you’re not completely alone, and there are strangers who care about you

    Like

  23. You will get through. You seem to be doing a good job of it. Don’t let negativity get the better of you. By the way, your writing is amazing. Some times it feels like you are writing some of my experiences.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for this. It made my morning. It amazes me a lot when people say this about my experiences because for so long I believed I was alone in all this. I know there millions of others like me out there in the world but I always thought I was alone still. Within my blog, I don’t feel that way anymore.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You should never feel alone. I wish you the best in your writing, both here and with your manuscripts
        To me bipolar tends to isolate us, but we have to break the barrier and speak up against this stigma

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s