The last few weeks have been a great test for how much my depression can affect my day and week. I have spent a lot of time recently tracking my mood especially my depression.
I worry about my effectiveness in my writing because as my depression has increased the last few weeks, I still have things to do on a daily basis. My school work is always a priority, I try to blog as much as possible, and of course my writing projects. I am amazed that I can do things as depressed as I have been lately.
It’s been a ride. So I thought about what is causing my depression. The changing of the season is one of the factors. I always get depressed at this time of year. But it goes deeper than seasonal affective disorder. I am really stressed about this time of year.
Just because I have passed my ten month anniversary yesterday, doesn’t mean all is well in my life. I am still stressed about so many upcoming things like completing my memoir which I have tirelessly been working towards the last three months.
My mind is filled with doubts because there are more things that I have to do, I need to grow my brand The Bipolar Writer and it means taking my blog to new levels. I am stressed that I am not ready to do what I need to do and as my depression grows deeper I worry there are not enough hours in the day.
I worry so much and the depression worsens by the minute. At night it can get so bad that I start to have bad panic attacks. I feel so lost at night and I have talked about how much I feel lost and alone.
I have been writing lately but it doesn’t feel right. I feel lethargic when I wake up, and even with coffee in my system, I am not as effective as I want to be. I think I could just give up right now, it would be so easy.
I want so bad to give into the depression. It would be so much easier. I could just lay in bed all day and not worry. I could let the depression take hold of me. It will make life easier. I wouldn’t have to fight for every inch of my life, and wouldn’t struggle every day. Sure the depression would still be there, but I could give in.
But, I made a commitment to do better and to keep writing no matter what comes my way. I know my depression is getting worse so I figure I can do the little things. More mindfulness breathing when I wake up and throughout the day. Meditation in the morning, during the day, and at night.
I can use my lightbox for longer each morning. I can combat my depression by writing more and stressing less. I will tell myself that everything happens for a reason. That I am worth all of it, and I am going to take The Bipolar Writer to new heights.
I could even smile more, smiles are so important. I don’t smile enough.
I can get back on a regular schedule where I wake up at a decent time and focus on getting down to being who I am, James the writer, The Bipolar Writer.
I have survived depression so bad that I wanted to end it all, and this depression is not on that level. I have survived three suicide attempts and I have learned so much on my journey that I know, I will continue to fight.
What are your thoughts? What are some of your triggers for depression and how do you deal with it?
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The Bipolar Writer and this blog will be going through some major changes over the next couple of months. I am looking to expand what this blog does on a daily basis. I am asking for any donations from my fellow bloggers to pay for equipment (a laptop) to help with the issues with my current computer. Great things are coming and any little bit helps. Have a happy holiday season and a merry Christmas.
Photo Credit: Ian Espinosa