Well, I figured something like this would happen.
Last night, I figured out a pattern of behavior in the middle of the worst panic attack of my life. I have been trying to rack my brain of the “why” of my anxiety over the last few months. It took two Ativan and almost two hours before I was calm enough to lay down. It was another hour before I got some real sleep. My Ativan has been on my mind a lot lately, and it seems as if it starting to not work, and that is a problem.
Let’s turn the clock back a year.
Around this time last year, I was about halfway through writing my first screenplay, Memory of Shane. I had just put the finishing touches on Act two, and I was really excited to keep working this writing project to completion to a first draft. I was full-time in school, so my workload was heavy most days.
I should have seen the pattern. Days without sleep, 10-12 hour writing/study sessions, and more anxiety than I could handle. I went into what I am now calling “overload.” It got so bad by the New Year’s 2017, I was having panic attacks almost daily and the worst of it was at night.
This story ends with finding myself the emergency room in early February with bleeding ulcers and a new understanding of my anxiety. Or so I thought. I knew I had to find ways to fix my anxiety without medication. I had no choice according to my psychiatrist, but doctors aren’t always right. Over the next six or seven months, I began working on controlling my thoughts with mindfulness and CBT. It worked for a while and my anxiety seemed to be under control.
But, I never learn.
Fast forward to now. October hit me slightly. Then in November my anxiety and depression began to spiral out of control. I got my depression back under control, but now my anxiety alludes me. Its like I can’t win. Somehow, I have let myself get to a worse place with my anxiety. I have hit that overload button again. I am working several writing projects, my blog, and still a full-time student. Not to mention the extra writing work I have been doing.
I never learn.
The next step? Talking to my therapist this week, getting an emergency session to see my doctor, and maybe cutting back on some things. I could write less here on my blog which seems logical, but this blog is the thing that is keeping me from bouncing off the walls. Maybe take a vacation. I wonder if Vegas is nice this time of year.
It’s funny. I always talk about working on my mental health, but sometimes I am the worst actually practicing what I preach.
I need to get back to what worked this summer. A working schedule that is consistent day in and day out. I need to take breaks every day. I need to sleep more and not wake up until I am rested. I need to eat regularly and stop working myself to death. I need to refocus my CBT work every day and maybe do more mood induction therapy with music. I need to get it together because too many times in my life, I have repeated bad behaviors.
I’m overloaded right now, and the panic attack last night was scary to go through, and my biggest worry is that my anxiety could grow to new levels.
I thought my anxiety was bad last year and at the beginning of this year, but its worse.
I know my anxiety and panic attacks have been such a big subject the last week, but it is the big thing in my life and almost every night seems impossible that I will get through this issue.
Please Help me Publish my Memoir
I am almost done editing my memoir “The Bipolar Writer,” and I have decided to go down the self-publishing route. If you can donate anything towards my goal, it would mean the world to me. I am still working towards enough to pay an artist for a good cover. Those that donate will get a special mention in my memoir on a page dedicated to those that made my memoir possible. Thank you in advance!
Photo Credit: Erico Marcelino