A Minor Setback

I knew the moment that I finished my semester that I would need sleep. It has been such a long semester for me and every day recently has felt like a struggle to survive. It’s very rare where I will spend a couple of days in a row in bed all day, but it was something that just seemed necessary the last two days given how crazy the last few weeks have been.

Still. I view this past weekend as a minor setback. I hardly wrote at all which makes me annoyed with myself. I always feel better after a good long writing session. It was painful to skip a day writing on my blog and even when I did write, it wasn’t really new content, just reviewing my week.

It has been a while since I just binge-watched Netflix all day, and doing that two days in a row, well that I consider a setback. What makes it worse is that with my stomach issues still a major problem, I am eating smaller meals to get by, and for the most part I have lost my appetite.

Giving up coffee means that I feel less like myself and even less like I really want to get anything productive done. I am a little worried that I will waste my winter break and stay in bed all the time because it’s what has happened in the past.

What makes setbacks so annoying is that it is entirely under my control. I can get up, put down my gaming controller and do something productive. But, I chose to let depression sink in and I let the feeling of being lost control my present.

When I give into the negative thoughts so much that I feel like the minor setback of the last few days could grow into something worse and I could really sink back into depression. What makes this thought worse is that I thought I had my depression under control again. I have come so far in this winter and yet things could change in an instant.

I have given in less and less to the pull of depression this winter, but without the constant pull of having to go through my day to complete what is necessary for my school work, I am worried I have will have no pull in any direction. Being directionless is something that can spell trouble in my life.

At some level, I can control it. I can make the decision to get out of bed each day and be as productive as I can. I still have my writing projects. My memoir. This blog.

But there is also the feeling that I just need to close out the year as best as I can because a new year might just be what I need to jump start everything in my life.

This next week will be very tough I can already tell. My body is worn and my mind is in worse shape. I have been through so much these past weeks that I could really sleep every second of the next week.

I honestly don’t know where to go with my week. The prospect of taking an entire week off of life feels right, but how can I justify it? I have so many things I want to do over the next two weeks. I want to end the final week of 2017 of The Bipolar Writer the right way.

I could decide to write a couple more features since I am behind on that goal. I need to dive back into my memoir.

I know that today is Christmas, but I am not feeling at all like celebrating. I really feel like spending another day lost in the nothingness of depression. I am so lost right now. I feel directionless and alone. The best way to get through it is one day at a time.

Anyway. This minor setback might turn into something else very soon.

Always Keep Fighting.

J.E. Skye

Photo Credit:

unsplash-logoDayne Topkin

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40 Replies to “A Minor Setback”

  1. Having your depression under control is not the same as a cure. So yes it will rear it’s head once in a while and you just have to say, “this will pass”say, I’m ready to face next week. I am ready to start a new year, fresh.” Put less pressrue o. Yoursaelf. Yes you have deadlines to make but also need rest. Tell yourself you are ready for next week. Turn thr negative energy into positive. I don’t like christmas myself, toomuch pressure to be cheerful and happy. Take care of yourself.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I have to agree. I am never good when I have to be cheery. I am not at my best the moment so I will take another day to make sure I can refocus. Thank you for your kind words of encouragement.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s important to be kind to yourself. Take time out if necessary. Life is not a race. Listen to your body. If you need sleep that is not a failure or a waste of time. You are recharging your batteries and will come back stronger. That is my advice as a grizzled survivor of many sorrows.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Hi again, I think creative people have a tendency to push themselves too hard, often overriding their physical and emotional needs. It’s something I experience, a sort of obsessive compulsive need to fulfil an arbitrary goal. Is this a constant need to prove ourselves or to communicate with the world? Or perhaps we live too much in our heads!
        Hope you feel much better soon. 🌈

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Taking a week off sounds pretty well justified as self-care right now. You’ve been going hard between school and the multitude of other important and amazing things you’re working on, and taking a bit of time off might be just the thing to start the new year strong and ready.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I don’t have many words of advice. Mostly because I have been through some grief myself and still going through it. Every day is a battle, and your words articulate your pain so well that I can relate to some of it. I will say to take the week off, be kind to yourself. Love yourself. Understand your limits. And then aim high once again. You have absolutely got this.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for this. I think my biggest thing is that I am really hard on myself when I am not creative everyday. I have lost so many days in my life to depression, I feel as if I must make it up all at once and be creative everyday. I am learning to understand my limits hopefully one day I will understand that there is always another day. Thank you for your kind words it meant the world especially today. So thank you again.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. With my Mum dying just before Christmas I must admit to feeling lost as well. But I have been getting myself out to walk in nature, for something nice to eat and to the bookshop, today this gave a bit of direction to my day. Its not an easy time so just be kind to you and loving too. Wishing you a brighter 2018.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Show yourself some Grace friend! You’ve come a long way, made great progress and you’ve had a busy and stressful school year. I don’t consider 2 days a set back! The great thing is that you are aware of your tendencies during this seasonal transitition, which means you’re capable of making even more progress. Take a few days off, get lost in something other than your thoughts, but come back. Come back ready to push forward and start anew! Grace! Love yourself! It’s ok not to be fine all the time. Give yourself the ok to take some time away.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I decided to get lost in the works of my favorite author for the next couple of days. Just to get back to focusing on something I love. Thank you for your kind words of encouragement it really helps. I get so lost this time of year.

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  7. I empathize and am sorry you are feeling depressed and fatigued. I think we put too much emphasis on being “happy” and “productive” and we avoid cutting ourselves slack when we lack the physical and mental energy to do either/both. It’s okay to have unproductive days at times, this time of year is especially draining. Self-care means you can start again as soon as you feel better, whether that’s a cold/flu or a round of depression.

    I am finding myself extra fatigued because of the holidays. I gave myself permission to limit my time on productivity. I work on work or chores for a couple hours and then give myself a break for an hour to two. Or I set a couple tasks I *have* to get done that day, like laundry, or so many emails, etc. Once I have done those things I take some downtime.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I certainly put way too much emphasis on the need to be productive. It stems from early on in my diagnosis and losing so many years with my year long depression cycles. I still feel as if I have to make up for every lost day. I am not great at taking a step back but I am learning. Hey am going to take a few days to catch up on reading my favorite author. Thank you for your kind comment and words of wisdom. I will take your advice and put a limit on my productivity.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oo! I’ve been listening to audiobooks off and on lately, it’s made chores and monotonous tasks way easier to get through. My mom always listens to audiobooks while she quilts, I kept spacing on it till recently. Lol. Then the little light went on. Now my phone is fully of audiobooks and I keep my Bluetooth headset charged.

        Who are some of your favorite narrators/readers?

        Liked by 1 person

  8. Please be kind to yourself and allow yourself to take a break. I hope you feel better soon, I know you will overcome this.
    Sending good thoughts…..🌈

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Setbacks are a way of life unfortunately. I’m sorry your depression is coming back and making it hard to focus on the things you want to get done. From another perspective – it’s okay to have a few setbacks, take it as a lesson if you’re able to. I’ve had so many myself – I’ll keep playing that game versus doing something productive – I won’t stop binging that show. Just know it’s okay that it does happen. Grow from it, and do what’s best for you. Find a way to keep writing out this year if you can, but don’t overwhelm yourself either.
    I hope your Christmas went well despite all of that! Best of luck as always 💜

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My Christmas wasn’t the best but I came out of it okay. It was a lesson learned and I am growing from the setback. I hope that your Christmas was amazing as well.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m glad you came out of it okay, and that you’re learning and growing from the setback. And thank you, it went well (:

        Liked by 1 person

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