It’s been a while, my friend. You often leave me for small periods of time where I feel more like myself, and less like the person who has no control. You walk out just as quickly as you walk back into my life.
When you are here, I lose control. Even if its temporary.
We are old friends, who often find ourselves in the darkest of places, in the worst possible ways in the depths of my mind. I never had a relationship quite like the one that you and I have had—depression my familiar companion.
Three days ago you told me, “It’s going to a long few days my friend.”
I didn’t believe you, and you laughed in my face. You told me we will be in a familiar place and that I would not be able to shake you.
I didn’t believe you.
That first day I could barely lift myself out of bed. Most of that day I didn’t and you took my appetite away. It wasn’t meant to be this day. I told you, “Fine, I will give you this day, but tomorrow it will be different.”
You laughed and told me that only a fool thinks this way.
That night your friend anxiety visited me, but I was prepared with my little white pill. For a small moment, I almost let depression and anxiety completely take me over. That would have been fun. But it wasn’t to be. A small victory.
I barely got through that first day, and then the next day you wouldn’t let me out of bed. For hours I lay in bed not really sleeping, and not really living. I was just there existing in the body, but not in mind.
It was late afternoon before I finally found some courage to fight, but it short lived. A little bit of food. Something to drink, but you called me back to my bed. There I stayed for the rest of the day.
It wasn’t all bad. I played some video games. I binge-watched Netflix. I listened to music. I did a little homework in bed. It was nice to finally be done with school. Yes, maybe that is what this feeling is, relief. But I stretched myself too thin this time around.
It has been a long journey these past few weeks. Medicine changes. Severe anxiety. My panic attacks were taken to the next level. I was lost, oh so lost for weeks in anxiety, and there you were just waiting in the wings. You knew you could overtake me at any moment.
When the time was right you consumed every fiber of my soul, again, my constant and familiar companion, you were back.
Yesterday was supposed to be a day of cheer. Christmas and family ready to celebrate together. But you wouldn’t let me. It wasn’t time for me to leave you. You had consumed me and sentenced me to be forever in this darkness. There I stayed for most of the day. Barely eating. Not doing anything productive.
There was a moment where a bit of creativity, or the lack of any real writing, that I was able to break through even for a small moment. I wrote a piece for my blog, and it was what it was, just a plea. To let it be known that depression was once again a part of my life.
I often ask why do you do this to me depression, and you often answer, “because I will always be a part of you.”
It’s true. You never really leave me. You come into my life at the most inopportune times when I need to focus. You take that best parts of me. You take my will to be creative. To write. To function. I know I must fight you.
But not today depression. You win today. For how long no one knows.
My familiar companion. Taking me to the deepest and darkest places of my mind. I might as well embrace you as a family member. For that is what you are to me.