I have written many different pieces on social anxiety, and this is just one of them. It will be a theme in 2018. Here is the link to “My Social Anxiety Life.”
What I Learned Today in my Social Anxiety Life
Today I realized something new about my social anxiety. It started yesterday after leaving my house for the evening time. My anxiety is always high during the evening time, and specifically between the hours of 4 pm and 8pm. I went for a drive.
While I was driving I started to exhibit signs that my anxiety was reaching the level of a panic attack. This is always the worst feeling in the world. When I have a panic attack in my car, it means I am losing control of the world around me.
I realized the time. It was around six at night. It had been a couple of days since I left my house. The last time I out in the world was during the daytime. I started to think of when my anxiety reaches its peak over the last week.
It was interesting the answer is always at the same time between the hours of 4 pm and 8 pm. I wondered to myself why this is, and what is the best course of action? It’s something that I never realized before, but the fact that I write so much about my social anxiety it makes sense.
I began to be looking at my past. My worst panic attacks outside of my house. Where social anxiety is always at its worst. The common thread in all these stories is that my anxiety peaks at the same time. It’s true I have had panic attacks very late into the evenings in the past. Those late night panic attacks are always at my house. I don’t generally leave my house after a certain time at night.
I am usually okay when I leave my house in the early morning hours and during the day. It very rare that when outside in the world it leads to panic attacks during the day. I can name one panic attack that I remember that wasn’t late afternoon or evening. Its a bit of a revelation thinking about this reality.
I am not sure what any of it means. Over the last month and a half, I have been on a regular dosage of Ativan. I take 1mg when I wake, 1mg sometime in the afternoon, and then I take 2mg dose at night. My night time panic attacks have disappeared so the dosage at night is working.
I am so laser-focused on my social anxiety lately. I am trying to find balance in this part of my life. I am finding balance in all the other aspects of my life. This week I have been able to work on school, writing in my blog, and of course, writing my new chapters in my memoir. I have been proofreading when I can and it’s taking shape to be the best thing I have written.
I still fear my social anxiety is taking control of my life. Not all the time and not every day. I have good days and bad days with social anxiety. The best days I can leave my house and the worst I stay home and write. I worry that things could spiral. I am always aware that this is a possibility.
So I decided to start to track my evening anxiety and where the levels are at during my most vulnerable time of the day. I tracking is the best way for me to understand the “why” it happens this way. It could be that I need to adjust. I am also thinking of starting a thought journal. It could mean a better understanding of my social anxiety.
I am seeing my therapist for the first time in 2018 in a week and a half. It was going to be this week but it my therapist got sick. It happens. I am eager to start by CBT work again. If I track everything well enough here and in my journal, things will work out once I kick the CBT back into gear.
I am hopeful as always. Even with the issues with social anxiety, everything is going so well. I have been able to stay focused on my goals, and I am in a good place. I will conquer my social anxiety this year. I am determined.
I leave this blog post the way I always do. Always Keep Fighting. It means the world to me if you do.
Please Help me Publish my Memoir
I have finished the first draft of my memoir “The Bipolar Writer” and I have decided to go down the self-publishing route. If you can donate anything towards my goal, it would mean the world to me. Those that donate will get a special mention in my memoir on a page dedicated to those that made my memoir possible. Thank you in advance!