An unpopular opinion

This will either piss you off, comfort you or strike a personal chord. If it does anything but comfort you I apologize in advance. also please read this in its entirety before taking any final stance.

Love can overcome all odds, hmmm it depends. Everything in life depends on me. Although I do a lot of black and white thinking, I think when it comes to love there are so many variables that absolutes don’t exist. There’s no point getting specific that’s why I’ll just come out and say it.

If someone didn’t want to date me because I am Bipolar (I would, of course, be hurt and probably devastated knowing me) I would understand. I wouldn’t hold it against them. I know this is in theory so some of you may immediately be upset by my lack of experience. Though, I don’t think that matters so much. I say that because I have already come to terms with it. We all have our bottom lines (most I would assume) and while I can be overly optimistic I like to remain a bit realistic. To me being realistic with a mental illness means you understand you have a lot of baggage. Hey! I hate the term as much as you but it’s important to bring up because a lot of people see it that way.

Now you may be thinking if someone thinks you have a lot of baggage then they aren’t the type of person you should be with anyway, and you’re exactly right they aren’t. To me, I think everyone is entitled to have things they can and cannot live with. If my partner were to honestly tell me my illness isn’t something they are willing to live with I would look at it from their perspective. I have to be with someone who can take care of me. It’s something I have been very honest about from the beginning. I even got my partner a book, “Loving someone with Bipolar disorder” because to be frank with Y’all I want to give them every out possible out. I never want to guilt someone into staying with me.

codeandang
photo by blogpostsfromthedge

Maybe to some of you, I’m not recognizing my self-worth but I think it’s really the opposite. I am worthy of love and I deserve someone who is going to be there for me. I deserve someone who is going to love me for me, illness and all. This isn’t to say I expect them to totally dedicate their life to me. I expect honesty and sometimes with honesty comes the ugly truth.

I understand this sounds like I am contributing to the stigmatization of mental illness like I think we’re all freaks who normal people want to run and hide from. Please don’t confuse me with someone who thinks like that because I don’t. However, to me it seems like a huge waste of time and energy to take someone’s decision so personally. I mean of course, it’s personal! It’s a direct response to your mental illness and that’s a very difficult thing to hear from someone.

Everyone needs someone who complements (and compliments) them. We should stop and consider that yeah maybe they are a garbage person who thinks your illness makes you unattractive. I’m not talking about those people. I’m talking about the people who aren’t emotionally competent, don’t have the coping skills and/or strategies to be with you. They shouldn’t be blamed. We all have our own threshold for what we can contribute to a relationship. If someone isn’t strong enough to take care of you or sensitive enough to comfort you then, for the most part, that is who they are. I know that’s giving them a huge out but the less time we focus on the people who aren’t good for us the more time we have to find someone who is.

Once again. People who look down on those with mental illness are apart of the problem  (the main problem) but those who are honest and sincere enough to admit they aren’t able to support you the way you need to be, they are doing a huge service by being transparent. The whole thing sucks but I appreciate people who understand their own strengths and weaknesses.

ps. We are all worthy of love and if anyone tells you otherwise they are wrong but if someone tells you they don’t think they can love you the way you need to be, they are saving the both of you a lot of heartache in the long run. 

Your friend, (maybe not anymore)
Hume

My blog! (if you don’t hate me)

Photo Credit:

unsplash-logoFilipe Almeida

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50 Replies to “An unpopular opinion”

    1. You condensed my rambling into a single sentence! I wish I could be more concise, thank you for the read. Sending my best 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  1. As someone with mental illness, I’d rather be with someone who accepts that part of me, too. I appreciate your perspective. I don’t jump to condemn people who don’t date those with a mental illness, though I admit there are some reasons that I’m more understanding of than others. It’s painful when people say that, but I’d rather focus on finding someone who’s compatible with me than dwell on the people who aren’t.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Very well said. It’s definitely not easy. Rejection in all forms is hard especially when it’s so personal. It’s not easy and I can still understand why some would be extremely upset by it. But exactly focusing on those who are compatible is the way to go. 🙂 Thank you for the read, sending my best.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Great blog entry. I completely get where you’re coming from because I feel the same. I count myself extremely blessed that I’ve found someone who not only loves me but knows, and does, take care of me.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you and I am very happy for you. It’s not easy, for anyone especially someone with a mental illness, to find someone compatible but your relationship is proof enough. Sending my best 🙂

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    1. Beautifully said! Honesty really is the best policy. Thank you for the read. Sending my best 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I’ll tell you what… my ex-husband knew about my bi-polar and BPD. He knew when we were dating, he knew when he married me. Yet, the entire time we were together, he kept pushing for me to be on medication to control it. I’ve never even found a medication that helped me control it or feel better until 2 years ago. When I confessed to him that I was ready to take my own life, he pushed me into the first psychologist’s office that had an open appointment and insisted that I get on medication. They put me on Zoloft. Now, Zoloft did NOT make me feel better, but it certainly controlled how expressive I was with my thoughts and feelings. That made him feel better. In fact, after I was on the medication for about 30 days, he said to me, “You’re much easier to deal with now.”

    That’s when I left and filed for divorce.

    On a side note tho, while your blog post was pretty well thought out, I’d like to say that no matter how ready you think you are for someone to reject you due to your illness… you’re not. Only once you experience that kind of rejection will you be *kinda* ready for it in the future. Even then, it’ll still hurt like the first time.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thank you for sharing. I am not even close to being able to understand what you’ve been through. I absolutely agree that not until I am rejected will I understand what that is like or the impact it will have. You can only truly learn by experience. My biggest take away (for myself) is knowing where I stand in regards to relationships. People who are hurtful, cruel and/or dismissive have more power and advantage over me (that I am sure of) but those who are honest with me will at least have my (it won’t be easy) best wishes. I appreciate your insight because it has given me more to reflect on and more to empathize with. Sending my best 🙂

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  4. I understand I’ve dates guys who couldn’t cope with my condition and that’s why I have left them, knowing they couldn’t cope. On the plus side it made me find someone who is my rock. A calm to my storm.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am happy that you found your other half, it is a challenging road for most and when that person comes along it feels like a godsend. Thank you for the read. sending my best 🙂

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  5. I was prepared to be offended but found myself nodding my head, screaming “YEEEESSSSSS!!!” If someone knows they are not emotionally ready to deal with a mental illness then it is 100% ok for them to not join a committed relationship with someone. Mental illnesses form personalities, and they take time and compassion for a significant other. My husband is doing his best to understand my depression but his fear for my life/safety cause him to bottle up at times. Mental illnesses in a relationship require both participated to take a step back and try to look at it from the others perspective. Thanks for your honest thoughts!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yay! I am glad it evoked a positive reaction. I made so many disclaimers because I wanted to be sure I was clear about what I was saying. I am very glad to know your husband is patient and understanding. Thank you for your lovely comment 🙂 sending my best

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  6. Well. Don’t we have a bunch of monkeys here.

    In any case, this is a good group of people. They all support each other and see harm as a negative thing. I see it that way too. (No comment on higher order dynamical systems, or investment, where harm can prevent greater harm, or cause greater good–or the theoretical world that can’t deal with the reality that it was necessary at all.)

    Thank you for posting <– cliche thing to say

    What else…

    Rejection. You talked about rejection, theoretically, without having experienced it. You know what? Sometimes theory can be more harrowing than reality. The mind is a very, very, very dangerous place. We're all safe, more or less, in the physical world these days. The mind is where the real damage is done. Yeah there's a BRAIN initiative. But will the knowledge be used in… a certain way? Who knows.

    No one ever rejected me for my mental illness because I've been bum fucking silent about it. I have given off clues here and there, that I just now only realize I gave, but I doubt anyone saw. And if they did, they probably just ran. It scares me, so it must scare them–right?

    Your ex-husband. He liked you quiet and tolerable. And you were screaming on the inside. Well. I know what that means. I know who he was. I think I know what you did.

    IS everyone worthy of love? THEORETICALLY, you could imagine a person-scenario who is NOT. So it goes. The world of theory is just so big. It's where math lives. Think about that! (And if that sounds like an understatement, I encourage you to visit wolfram mathworld on the internet and read a few articles. Of course, it's a different language, but if you get anything then it might be striking.) <– But this too is somewhat of a digression.

    As far as literary criticism goes: I think your thesis paragraph was not very well supported by the rest of the piece.

    "Everything in life depends on me… There’s no point getting specific that’s why I’ll just come out and say it."

    Liked by 2 people

  7. I am lucky I have a partner who loves and supports me. Though a stipulation in our relationship is that I must maintain my appointments and see my psychiatrist regularly. Fair enough I think.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. That sounds like a healthy and supportive relationship, I am happy for the both of you. Thank you for the read, sending my best.

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  8. I get exactly where your coming from. And can really relate to it all. I have to say to that I too agree with you. Thank you for being authentic and open about this topic and delivering it in a very caring way. Loved this. Sending my best 🙏

    Liked by 2 people

  9. A few years ago, my wife was diagnosed as bi-polar so I can definitely empathize with you here. I wouldn’t even think of leaving her because I just keep thinking, “In sickness and in health.” However there are many who would be out the door the next minute because they wouldn’t know how to help or some just wouldn’t won’t to know. While that is sad and cruel, you do see where they’re coming from and that makes you an extraordinary human being.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I really want to thank you for sharing. It is nice to hear from the opposite side of the relationship. I admire you, while we all have things to deal with, dealing with someone with an illness is a lot of responsibility. Your love and support do not go unrecognized. Sending you my best 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  10. This reminds me of the quote “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best”. I didn’t read all the comments so it may have already been stated. Thank you for sharing candidly.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you for the read and the kind words. (also you’ll be glad to know you were the first to say that!) sending my best.

      Liked by 1 person

  11. So much YES to this! We all have baggage. It’s important to find those who can love us the way we deserve and that we can love the way they deserve in return. I went through the “whatever, deal with it” phase for a while until I realize I too was just “dealing with” myself…not actually loving and taking care of myself the way I should. Until I was capable of that, I wasn’t able to find nor accept the love I deserved (and I don’t just mean in romantic terms). For me, that meant first understanding the unconditional love and acceptance of my Jesus, the rest was an overflow – first to myself and then to others.

    I love your honesty! Breaking the stigma requires just that, even if it seems like it may only be adding to the stigma as you mentioned. Keep spreading and living your truth!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. That is such a great point, self love and self-actualization are just as, if not more important, because we must start with love for ourselves to truly love another. Then when you find the right person they will love you in such a way that they will teach you to appreciate you for you even more. Thank you for the very thoughtful and kind words! Sending you my best 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  12. You thoughts on the matter are very valid. I have chronic pain along with depression, and anxiety. I did not have “this baggage” when I married my husband almost 14 years ago. We have been through some very tough times because of the drastic change in my physical body and my abilities to live a normal life. I will be honest that there were many times we didn’t handle things well, but somehow we have made it over 10 years living with my chronic illnesses. I’m not saying you should try it though. Another thought you brought to the surface is the everyone has baggage. Even the “normal” people have baggage. Everyone comes with a story. You are doing a great job telling yours.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I think you and your husband are a living testament to the powers of love (as cheesy as that sounds) Truly, I am glad to hear that you two have made it work. From what little experience I have even I know relationships are very hard. But quite right. Everyone does have baggage and we all have to figure out whose “baggage” complements ours. Thank you for sharing 🙂 sending my best.

      Liked by 1 person

  13. Absolutely agree. I told my now husband I suffer from anxiety and depression shortly after we met. He wouldn’t believe, because I had a very good time back then. But later, when the proverbial s*it hit the fan, he had to admit that he was glad I was honest with him from the beginning.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. I am married to a man who also suffers from bipolar, and I completely agree and understand where you are coming from. It is not easy or simple to be with someone who is bipolar, because we ride the highs and lows with you. Most of the time I’m the one who gets the angry side, even if I did nothing. But because I love him unconditionally, I stand my ground. I support him always, but will not just ride the ride and tolerate disrespect. I am the only person who can calm his storm, or bring light to his darkness, and then when he’s standing in the beauty of a good day, I stand beside him hand in hand.

    I stand firm in the sunlight everyday no matter where his illness takes him, so that armed with the light I can travel to the darkest corner of hell to find and guide him out. Armed with warmth and light I can walk into the eye of any storm and find him and guide him out.

    Not everyone is armed with the right armor that loving someone with Bipolar Disorder requires. Save your love for the ones who are.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Your love is unwavering and so pure. I do not pretend to know how hard you have to fight for him but you’re truly a miraculous and beautiful soul for doing so. It is comforting to hear your story because it reallyis testimony to the fact that there is someone for everyone just like some people can’t support others. Thank you so much for sharing. Sending you my best ❤

      Like

  15. Hold onto your beliefs, let anyone who does not deserve you go, know that someone is coming – I send you love from a happy place as I have met someone who accepts, respects and adores me and it feels amazing 🌟💖

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for this. It warms my heart for many reasons and the most important one is knowing you have found someone who appreciates you and treats you right. Sending you my best 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  16. This is such a relatable post! Along with the depression, I have a history of cancer, which makes it more likely for me to have cancer again later on in life. I need someone to take care of and support me. I need someone who won’t run away when my needs become too much. I need someone who will support me through the tough times and to also celebrate the good times with. I’ve definitely met people who DO NOT fit that description but I see it as a learning experience. Even in all of my negativity I still think there’s hope.
    Thanks for such a raw and honest post!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My heart, hopes and prayers (good energy etc) go out to you. Being a cancer survivor is very daunting and exhausting, I don’t have firsthand experience but someone very close to me is a cancer survivor. But, you are exactly right. You need and deserve someone who will be your rock. Thank you for sharing my friend. Sending my best 🙂 and stay strong.

      Liked by 1 person

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