I love you & I’m sorry when I feel like I don’t

I love you and I wished my thoughts stopped there, the fact is I so often don’t know how I feel. This sounds like a major problem in a relationship, does it not? Cheyenne, it’s just a mood disorder. OK well then you should understand why my moods change.

(OK some weird interior monologue going on there. Bear with me.)

The thing is everyone experiences this. 20 years into a marriage and you can’t stand the sight of the person. The way they walk the way they take so damn long to chop up vegetables. I’m not 20 years into a marriage, I’m only saying this because I don’t want any of you to thinking I believe my feelings are exclusive. We are all falling in and out of love. It’s normal.

My main point is actually how there’s more work to be done than just taking your meds. There is being as empathetic and understanding as you can with your partner. It’s knowing what you should say and what you should wait at least 24 hours to say. Bipolar or not there is such a thing as oversharing. I’m talking emotional oversharing. The impulse to break up with someone without giving it any thought, the impulse to be honest but there’s a difference between honesty and wanting to free yourself of guilt. (I often times feel extremely guilty anytime I think of ending things.)

This is mostly directed at myself so simmer on down. In my youth (har, har) I felt the need to be absolutely transparent with people (mainly the teeny boy boppers) The moment I felt unsure of my feelings or had even a speck of doubt I’d tell them. At the time I sincerely thought it was the right thing to do but dear God! the emotional toll it must’ve taken. Especially when you’re a teenager. This sort of behavior led to me going back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.

I was exceptionally melodramatic too but given some hypomanic and depressive episodes I can better understand why I wrote breakup letters (more like novels) ya know pouring out my heart and soul AND in fairness that’s what it felt like. It took me a while before I realized I wasn’t the darling little angel I thought I was. There I was being emotionally abusive granted I am being overly critical of myself, I can at least acknowledge why my behavior was unhealthy and extremely hurtful.

That’s why today I am cautious (maybe overly cautious) of expressing my feelings. Now don’t worry I’m not hiding anything or stuffing things down but I am staying as aware and mindful of my thoughts as possible. Before you go to tell your partner something I want to ask you to really think about what you want to say. Is it really about wanting to be honest? Really ask yourself this. Is it something that is necessary you tell them/ for them to know?

I understand how vague this all sounds. I’m really only addressing the type of thoughts we all have when we aren’t feeling our best. Sometimes it can’t be helped but when it can be I think consideration for your partners emotions is absolutely vital.

In truth I use the 48 hour rule. If I have a feeling or desire such as wanting to break up I give it 48 hours before I make any real decisions. Also it’s a discussion that would need to be had and 48 hours is the minimum.

It’s not easy knowing what feelings to trust but I have done the work to know when my fight or flight response kicks in. I realize that sometimes I am going to be apathetic and un-involved  but I know how I truly feel. It is about trusting the process. Although I may hate the process of my dearly beloved Depression I know I love my partner and I’ve finally accepted that sometimes I won’t feel like I do.

Also if you have the type of relationship where your partner would prefer complete honesty, and they are aware how you function emotionally then I guess if it works that’s great. I’m just a firm believer that while we all want to know the truth sometimes it’s better to distinguish (for the sake of the one you love) between over heightened emotions and the truth. They may logically understand you don’t mean it or didn’t mean it but it would still (imaginably so) be hard to hear from the one you love most.

ALSO I apologize if I am striking any personal chords. We are imperfect by design and while I may be the author of this oh so enlightening post, that doesn’t omit me from being a hypocrite in the future.

Your friend,
Hume

My blog!

Photo Credit:

unsplash-logoEvan Kirby

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22 Replies to “I love you & I’m sorry when I feel like I don’t”

  1. Can relate to it. Nice one ! Coz for the past few months ago my boyfriend broke up with me & dunno why at first. And this is all the reason why. I forgave him and just think all this way. Coz if u really love your partner youll gonna understand everything esp all his decisions.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Your self awareness and ability to be understanding go a long way, I am happy to hear you two are doing well. Thank you for the read. Sending my best.

      Like

  2. I’m starting a new relationship and this hit close. Learning and feeling comfortable enough to be open and honest is not always easy.. thanks for this.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The best wishes to you both! Relationships aren’t easy but it’s comforting to know there are things we can do to lighten the load. Thank you reading, sending my best.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh my you struck a cord within me. The fiance and I have been going back and forth a lately and I’ve been biting my tongue. 24, 48 hour rule is good. I’m going to use it next time, seeing as I just blew up and told him to leave even though we both love each other. Ahh. Thanks for being truthful with your words, now I have some I spiration to write the truth.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for sharing because I have been there, I completely (as much as I can) understand from my own experiences how hard it can be. Sending the both of you my best. ❤

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  4. I’ve been with my husband/partner for 16 years now & this analysis is so true, and I felt like I was reading my own thoughts as I read your post. My mom told me something that she said to my dad years ago and I think of it often….”Throughout our marriage you are going to fall in and out of love with me over and over again. That’s just how it is.” I think it is more frustration that leads us to not like our partner from time to time. Sometimes this is every other day, depending on my mental state, but it’s life. I do this with everyone I know, especially the more they’re around me. How could we expect to get along all the time and feel head over heels for someone who is always around and in our space? I think you make a valid point about waiting to vent because most times, I too, calm down and realize it is me being irrational and too sensitive. I try to think…. I’m not perfect so I can’t expect him to be either. Thanks for your honesty and thoughts!🌻~Anne

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow! Thank you for sharing, it is always comforting to know others understand but more than anything it is so vital to have people who bring more light to topics, and you have done exactly that. Any relationship requires a lot of work and I am very happy (and admire) for you and your husband and I wish you two nothing but the best. 🙂

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    1. Most definitely, and having such a supportive community like ours helps more than I could ever express. Sending my best.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I love this so much! I’ve thought about breaking up with my partner for months. I’m in a sticky situation where he suffers from depression but he also emotional and mentally abuses me. I had so many questions in my mind such as “should I stay and be unhappy and prevent him from attempting again or to be happy and risk it?”. I stuck around because I thought I still loved him and then hated him when he did the things he did. But as time went on, I lost myself… I became the person I worked so hard not to be. I broke up with him and it was the hardest thing to ever do. 7 years… gone just like that. Your blog speaks the truth and it’s amazing how your blog speaks to my situation right at this moment x thank you for this!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My heart goes out to you, what you did was incredibly hard but shows so much strength and self appreciation. I think these sort of relationships definitely scar us but those scars heal and they teach us lessons. Sending you my best 🙂 ps. thank you for sharing! and your thoughtfulness.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much! My sincerest apologies, I have been MIA the last while now but I will answer all of these question and so on within the next few days. Once again thank you, my heart is so full 🙂

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  6. I also can relate to what you have written here. I used to share what I was feeling and thinking too much. I was too sensitive. I read one that if someone is always angry, it has nothing to do with you. That person is angry for deeper reasons.

    I started to pick and choose my battles to those that were unacceptable. This made a big difference. My husband is much more patient with me.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This gladdens me to hear. It is definitely not an easy process and it requires a lot of work and I admire you for your effort and patience. Thank you for sharing, sending my best.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for the heartfelt words. After all it is all a learning experience, sending my best 🙂

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  7. My spouse and I absolutely love your blog and find most of your post’s to be precisely what I’m looking for. Does one offer guest writers to write content for you personally? I wouldn’t mind producing a post or elaborating on a lot of the subjects you write with regards to here. Again, awesome blog!

    Like

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