Making Changes, Again

I have realized that I may have been overdoing my life lately. My social anxiety and anxiety, in general, has been out of control. It’s been crazy this past week, and I think I need to restructure my week so that I have more free time. I need to restructure my life overall if I am being honest.

What Changes Can I Make

I am reinstating listening to one audiobook a week, two if I can. I have a huge Audible collection that needs to be read and re-read. Being auditory learner I can listen to a book while I study (unless I am reading.)

I thought it was getting warm enough that I didn’t need my lightbox I stopped using it, but considering my depression is making its way around again I should probably get back to using it. I need to use it again during my mornings after meditation.

I know another change that would be important is to get back to a sleep schedule. I need to wake up earlier in the morning like I do every Monday at 5 am. If I can do it one day a week I can do it every day. That means by the evening I will be tired. More tired than I have been lately.

My sleep schedule has been nonexistent and to be honest very bad and inconsistent. I have been going to sleep at different times between 10 pm and 4 am this past week. It changes every day and waking up it just as challenging. Some mornings it’s early like today when I was up at 5 am. Sometimes it’s so bad I don’t go to sleep until 4 am and waking up anytime 10-11 that morning. It’s crazy and no one can be inconsistent and healthy with my horrible sleep schedule.

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My sleep has always been bad. But when things are going right I am sleeping at least 4-6 hours a night. But with my Seroquel, I could go to sleep at 4 am and awake a few hours later. At the same time, Seroquel usually means I am up but not really awake. I sometimes lay there in my bed halfway to sleep and half awake. It sometimes takes two hours to wake on a full dose.

When I am Working Too Hard

I have been working non-stop. Full-time student. Working on my blog every day managing my posts and those of my contributor bloggers. Working on my memoir. And of course my major freelance project (which I am near the end and excited to share some of it on this blog in the coming weeks.) I don’t know how there are enough hours in the day.

I almost want to pay someone to put together all the chapters of my memoir. I didn’t write it in any particular order. I just wrote chapters. I figured that eventually I would get to a point of too many chapters (which is where I am at) and I would have to put it all together. What a tedious task it has been, and I haven’t even got to the proofreading and editing yet. I have spent the last six months compiling so many chapters. It might have been better to put it all together as I was writing. But I digress.

Sometimes I Wonder About Myself

I really miss coffee. I am always so tired and while drinking tea is okay. I always had a better life with coffee. I honestly don’t know how much longer I can go without coffee.

I also almost relapsed in a way this week. Not like a major relapse, but I almost bought a pack of cigarettes after my panic attack. I could always feel better with my anxiety after a cigarette. It’s been about three years or so since my last. It was one my birthday that I last had one, so it might be closer to four. But I didn’t do it. I resisted.

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I have felt lost this past week but I am hopeful. I can keep working towards my goals. But I need to start taking more time for myself. Relax, and not letting the little things in life, my triggers, to get the better of me. I need to leave my house more so that I don’t become a shut-in again. That is my goal this week. Get back to being James, the great person that I know that I can be. I know I can do this.

Always Keep Fighting.

James Edgar Skye

Please Help me Publish my Memoir

I have finished the first draft of my memoir “The Bipolar Writer” and I have decided to go down the self-publishing route. If you can donate anything towards my goal, it would mean the world to me. Those that donate will get a special mention in my memoir on a page dedicated to those that made my memoir possible. Thank you in advance!

$5.00

Photo Credit:

unsplash-logoRoss Findon

unsplash-logoMaeghan Smulders

unsplash-logoLucas Filipe

23 Replies to “Making Changes, Again”

  1. I can feel this utterly.
    Hope this gets better with time, as this sickness adapts our mind, but we have the control of everything in our hands so lets wish, you can steer it in the desirable direction.

    Love,
    Samia.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Yes you can. It’s so hard not to burn yourself out when you know you can physically fit in all this stuff every day but you need to mentally look after yourself as well. You’ve taken a great step by realising you need to reign it in a bit. I hope you have a better week this week.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. It’s so nice to hear you are making progress with your stuff and that you resisted the urge to grab that cigarette. I don’t know you but even the fact that you read my tidbits means the world to me.

    Thank you and I hope you have a great life ahead, past all that anxiety and depression which I don’t completely understand myself but I have a feeling I am in the same boat.

    : )

    (Passing an actual heartfelt smile)

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Gosh i love your blog cuz i can completely relate with it all. Except im a total coffee addict, so kudos to attempting to cut that out.
    When i feel overwhelmed i listen to the podcast The Hilarious World of Depression. Its so relatable and honestly enjoyable and funny despite the content. Thought id share that with you 🙂
    Keep your chin up, i believe in you.
    -Hana

    Liked by 3 people

  5. self care is so important. I like your goal of reading one book a week I think I’ll copy you and do the same. I’ve plenty to read from audible too. xx

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Ah I appreciate this. I can relate a lot right now, I feel like every aspect of my life needs improvement, have just started studying and going through heartbreak. All so overwhelming. Depression is coming up making nothing feel worth it. Anxiety is coming up paralysing me with fear. And then my heart is sad because I am not living my full potential. I have to accept that where I am at is okay, let myself have my days of retreat and take action when I naturally feel more ready and capable, I suppose.. for enjoyment more than improvement..
    The mind just has to make everything feel so complex lol..

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Our minds are extremely complex. It doesn’t help that are feelings can be so intense all at once. I think that you are going through is the worst. Sadness. Depression. Anxiety. The worst is when you dont feel as if you living up to your potential. But we both have to make adjustments and keep fighting always. I hope things get better in the coming weeks. I am always open to talk to anyone who needs it.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. In some ways I can relate, and I definitely know what you mean. Sorry to hear you are feeling you have been over doing it. Sounds like you need to catch a much needed break.

    I am currently working towards quitting smoking (made an attempt, failed. Now I am trying to stick to 3-5 smokes a day and thinking about choosing vaping or trying it as a quit method (not switching to vaping) just as an aid to help me quit) I hear the cravings lessen, but never go away completely. Which is more of a mental thing I think. I know the excuse I always used was it helps with my stress or anxiety. Yet any doctor will tell you it raises your blood pressure and is not actually calming. That it is completely a mental thing. But heh. So yes, I am glad though I am trying and thinking about quitting for good. I made many attempts, but it has been at least a year since I thought about making another attempt. Baby steps I guess. :/ I am proud of you though for resisting!

    As for the coffee thing, I have no alternatives. I was going to say tea but you mentioned you are drinking teas. You could try drinking one small cup a day of coffee? In moderation and if kept in moderation it may be okay for your anxiety. I don’t know though it is different for everyone. I know people who could never drink coffee because of anxiety or other reasons. I shared my story with you of my coffee and anxiety before. I have just kept to drinking as little as I can, and I have noticed it has helped. If you can resist drinking it though, it won’t hurt. Your anxiety will in fact thank you. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Quitting smoking is tough. Vaping is a good alternative as a transitional tool. The cravings do lessen but when I am stressed my natural reflex before I quit was to smoke. Sometimes I reach for them even though it’s been almost four years since I quit.

      The coffee thing is tough. I can’t just drink a small cup. Once I start I want to drink it all day. I tried cutting it off at 12pm but even that was an issue. Coffee really effects my sleep cycle and it ones of the reasons I switched to tea recently. But its been a really hard transition and I have slipped a few times. Its like cigarettes its a vice I use to get through my day. I will see if I can drin a single cup. Maybe get one of those single cup machines. I used to have one but I would make like 4-5 a day. Moderation was never my style, but thank you for the long response. It means the world to me.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes it is very tough. Like you said it is very much a mental thing. I smoke when I am stressed and it was always my natural instinct. I think my biggest challenge other than the first 12 days of fighting the physical addiction is to battle the subconscious stress smoke. Or the one in the morning and after dinner I think I will always miss. I’m not going to lie, I am not looking forward to quitting, I need to for my health, money etc. I know it is a great option and I have everything to gain from quitting, but it is a horrid addiction and I stupidly enjoy the habit. I plan to try vaping and need to make sure I distract my oral sensation because I have a huge oral thing, always had since a child and I think it is one of the reasons I enjoy smoking.

        Sorry to hear the coffee thing is all or nothing style for you, but I totally understand what you mean. Yes it is like a vice. I hope you can maybe find another alternative maybe, as it must be a really tough transition. I wish you the best of luck and I hope you feel less overworked as well soon. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Vaping has helped me a lot!

        I totally understand the coffee thing. I gradually switched to decaf (which is good for my nervous system and bad for my skin) and I *still* can’t stop drinking the stuff all day!

        Tea just isn’t the same!

        Liked by 1 person

  8. So great that you’re aware of what’s happening and able to implement changes now. It’s when we slip and don’t notice that we end up in trouble with depression suddenly being an 8-10 and little motivation to change the factors perpetuating it.

    Good job on not smoking too. That’s huge. I switched from cigarettes to (mostly nicotine-free) vaping last July. It isn’t the same as quitting but it’s moving the right way. I still occasionally smoke and have little self control when I’m under a lot of stress so I know how hard that must’ve been.

    What sort of meditation practice do you do?

    Liked by 1 person

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