I was at my therapist’s office yesterday in the waiting room and I was looking at the scars on my arm. It seems a lifetime ago when I used to use self-harm and cutting as a coping mechanism for my depression.
The deepest scars are still there and are a reminder of my life before my last suicide— the last time that I used to self-harm. The deepest scars will always be there and I am not ashamed of them anymore.
On occasion, someone will notice my scars because they are so visible when I am not wearing a jacket. I am not afraid to talk about self-harm. I explain to them that at one point in my life I was in so much emotional turmoil that I had to take the pain away somehow. For a few hours after cutting my skin, I could make the emotional pain disappear.
I learned after a time that it’s not a good solution and the feeling is always temporary. I haven’t felt the need to cut on my arms since 2010, after doing it for years.
It started for as a teen. I was lost my senior year of high school and I had no real purpose. I had cut before in previous years of high school but not to the extent of that year. I was in the midst of a depression cycle and I didn’t even know.
My self-harm always happened late at night after spending my day wallowing in my depression. To be honest, I slept better after cutting because all I could feel was the pain the razor blade brought me.
It was destructive behavior and it went on through most of my young teenage and young adult life. I was 25 when my last suicide happened and I decided that I would quit the destructive nature that was my addiction to self-harm.
I sometimes wonder why topics come up on my blog at different times. I was just sitting there in the office of my therapist thinking about how far I have come since my self-harm days and it makes me smile.
At the same time. I am worried about those that are turning to self-harm. It’s a dangerous step and one that often leads to suicide. At least in my life, it has. I want to tell those that are self-harming that it will be okay. Life isn’t always this bad.
I am always here for those that need help. The Bipolar Writer has learned a lot about himself over the years. I have been through a lot of things including self-harm. I am here because even with the struggles in my life I survived so that I could be here to share my experiences.
The scars of my past are reminders that you always have to move forward. Learn from your mistakes. If you are self-harming I hope you find the strength to stop. I did. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I look at my scars every time things look bleak. I have never been as bad as those times.
Always Keep Fighting.
James Edgar Skye
Please Help me Publish my Memoir
I have finished the first draft of my memoir “The Bipolar Writer” and I have decided to go down the self-publishing route. If you can donate anything towards my goal, it would mean the world to me. Those that donate will get a special mention in my memoir on a page dedicated to those that made my memoir possible. Thank you in advance!
Photo Credit: unsplash-logoPatrick Tomasso