The Ramblings & Ramifications of Mental Illness

Compromise? I won’t compromise my health.

I used to shift myself into all sorts of uncomfortable positions in some vain attempt to appease others. Though, now I fear I am watching as the people I love pretzel themselves in acrobatic swings and dives just so I don’t have to go out of my way or what? be inconvenienced?
I never want to be a burden but by default I think that is exactly what I have become.

footprintsonthe beach

Because after all don’t we all want to be the laid back friend/s/o? The one who is easy-going and rides the wave of life or whatever. Is ready at a moments notice, only takes a moment to collect themselves and does more for others.
How is it that I have spent the majority of my life listening to, helping out, pouring myself into the ones I care about and now somehow it feels like it all meant nothing?

The moment I relaxed my muscles and eased my mind I felt an immediate wave of guilt and I thought to myself is this the wave of life crashing down on me? some not so gentle reminder I am putting too much energy into my happiness at the expense of meaningful relationships?

I guess this becomes a matter of embracing myself but what if I don’t like the person I am forced to bear hug? What if I rather do that awkward sort of stranger hug, y’know the one. The uncomfortable bend at the waist so you don’t come into actual contact accompanied with the limp pat on the shoulder. The most unenthusiastic and passive embrace. 

It’s paradoxical really. I like things a certain way and I thrive in very particular circumstances and environments. Yet I don’t like myself based off of the knowledge  (assumption) others don’t like the high maintenance Cheyenne, the one who pretends she is low maintenance because to admit otherwise would mean defeat. In other words I care too much about what others think because my life has become consumed only with what I want/ what works best for me.

I am insecure and ashamed of my selfishness and self-centeredness yet I won’t compromise my health because I know what happens when I do.

Honestly, I know I am being hard on myself but without this intense introspection I think I would totally lose myself. I am deathly afraid I will lose people because I am not intelligent enough to draw realistic boundaries.

I am deathly afraid of losing myself because at times my mental illness feels all-consuming.

p.s. I apologize for the dreariness of this post. It will pass. I am doing OK, it’s snowing outside and I have a delicious cup of coffee. Sending you all my best.

Your friend,
Hume

unsplash-logoKat J

11 Replies to “The Ramblings & Ramifications of Mental Illness”

  1. Your i telligence is. Ertainly not in question! I do not like being hugged because it is expected. I need my space. People either get it or they don’t. I didnt get hugs growing up, I certainly don’t want them now, well except from my husband, and maybe some of his family, but not everyone. We are allowed to decide this. If you know you are going to be around huggy people and you dont want to be hugged or do any hugging, have a notebook in your hands at all group gatherings. You are a writer, so it won’t look out of place. I always try to have something in my hands when meeting new people, I don’t like to shake hands, for one thing, they are sweaty, for another, you dont Know where their hands have been, ote veryonew ashes their hands going to the bathroom. You have the right to have yourspace. If more people did that, there would be less people getting sick. Babies need hugs, toddlers and children too, from their family members, not forced and not strangers.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, I appreciate it a lot. (also I might be part robot. The scientific research so far is inconclusive)

      Liked by 1 person

  2. The dreariness may be an effect of being self-aware, and that is not a bad thing at all. Snow and coffee are the perfect companions for a moment like this. Be well!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s very kind of you to say. Sincerely! Thank you for the read and the lovely comment. Sending my best.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Get out of my head! This is the first thing I’ve read of yours, but it sounds just like me! Although it sucks to feel what you’ve described, it’s so reassuring to know others feel similarly. I hope you get out if the downs soon. Enjoyed reading your post!

    Like

  4. It’s ok … it really is ok. Baby steps each and every day. Stick to what you are comfortable with and get strong there, and then slowly, slowly more a little bit out of your comfort zone doing something you’re not usually ok with. Do it, try it, do it again. Leave the door open to go back to your comfort zone again so you’re always safe. But keep trying, baby steps. ☀️☀️

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  5. It sounds to me that you feel guilty, because you feel happy about your life, and you shouldn’t, but, because of how we’d been socialized from when we were young children, we sometimes carry too much burdens of our own elders’ emotions and believed, that we must appease others, by putting on a good face, but sometimes, we have the need, to feel through our own, negative emotions…

    Like

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