My Week in my Social Anxiety Life

It’s been another week working towards my goal of figuring out this social anxiety life that I live. I moved forward in some ways and I still have a long way to go before things get better.

I know that I am just beginning of working on my social anxiety, but I take notice of the wins and losses when it comes to my social anxiety. I started my week off with a lot of work. I had finals this week and I have a short turnaround for my next semester. So I made the decision last week to front-load my week so that I can take some much needed time off for the remainder of my week.

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Part One – A Meeting and my Social Anxiety Life

I had a meeting this week with a client that went quite well. It was tough. I took a single dosage of 1mg of Ativan to start my meeting. I am not going to lie. My anxiety was at a high level before I even got there. I knew this meeting would be a long but important one that I had to power through.

I ended having to take a second 1mg dosage of Ativan due to the meeting being long. It was tough. My impulse was to run. I had not spent more than two or three hours outside of my house over the past few weeks. My thoughts consumed me, it was as if I could feel the tension. Old thoughts of my past came up and though I was focused on the task at hand, I could feel my thoughts shifting to thoughts of panic attacks.

My thoughts became lost. I could feel the panic rising and I had to more than once get up before it consumed me. I made reasons to go to the bathroom so that I could rinse my face and refocus. I could feel a tingle at the tips of my hands but it never consumed my hands.

Eventually, I calmed down enough so that I could get through my meeting. I remember when I got home I felt so tired. Exhaustion usually comes along with my social anxiety. After a long day, I just needed to lay down and exhale. I truly felt like moving forward I could get through anything.

Part Two – A Saturday With Anxiety

I had an interesting Saturday that I wanted to share because it relates to my social anxiety. I think I figured a trigger in my life. I am very attached to my Ativan, I never do very well when my “supply” is running low. I worry about it and I stress way too much about.

I get medication delivered. Earlier in the week, I made sure that my pharmacist knew I would run out of Ativan at the end of the week. I thought everything was fine, so when the package came I didn’t open it right away. I figured all my medication would be there.

When I opened it Saturday I began to panic when my Ativan was missing. I called my pharmacy and made sure that they would have it available to pick up that day but my anxiety was already high. I wasn’t sure I could even drive. I took my main dosage of 2mg of Ativan. I knew I had an hour to get myself mentally prepared, but to be honest it didn’t really help.

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But I had to keep moving. I got into my car. I could feel myself on the edge of a panic attack. I took second Ativan pill because to help because I could feel myself on edge. I did what I could, it sounds silly but chewing gum helps. I could feel every minute passing me by slowly. I thought at three different times that I would have to pull over and let my passenger drive.

I made it to the pharmacy. I got my new prescription. A strange serenity came over me the moment I had my medication in hand. I knew for the next month I would have my Ativan always within reach. I could feel the panic attack lifting and I could refocus my energy. I was able to go to the store.

It’s a strange thing. So much of my social anxiety life revolves around IF I will have enough Ativan to get through my day. I get so lost in what works and what doesn’t work for me. There has to be something in that, the control that Ativan seems to have over my life. I have an upcoming appointment with my therapist that I would like to discuss this subject with her. I can’t be defined by medication.

My social anxiety life is always complicated but I am going to keep fighting. Always.

J.E. Skye

Photo Credit:

unsplash-logoJosé Martín Ramírez C

unsplash-logoLuca Bravo

unsplash-logoClem Onojeghuo

27 Replies to “My Week in my Social Anxiety Life”

  1. I loved reading this, you describe everything so well, and i can relate to most of it. especially the part about how anxiety is tiresome and drains one of energy that sometimes you wonder what it is that made you that exhausted! a restless mind, a mind that wont believe its safe and all will be alright no matter how you try convince it! i loved reading this, thank you for sharing!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. As a helper who also has struggled with panic and anxiety, I appreciate reading this. I also use medication at this time to control my anxiety. I made this decision after anxiety started effecting my work significantly. Therapy was really helpful for me too. I have similar thoughts about feeling controlled by medication. Look forward to hearing how you progress and go forward. Definitely in it with you.

    Mandy

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Mandy. I will keep working and seeing what works to combat my social anxiety. I am starting to really understand it for the first time in years.

      Like

  3. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, experiences, and progress on your blog. I enjoy reading it, and I appreciate how hard you are working to manage your mental health! Sometimes the ways you describe your social anxiety sounds a lot like panic disorder rather than pure social anxiety per se. I know the boundaries between different mental illnesses are blurry and overlapping, and panic disorder and social anxiety disorder can probably co-exist. I just find that as someone with social anxiety disorder myself, that I seem to experience social anxiety a bit differently than you describe, which is interesting!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Keep going! I believe in you and your mission. I have a mission for myself for 2018. I am in awe over how open you are about your struggles. Fear holds me back from so much, and fear keeps me from detailing too much about my anxiety in writing. One day I hope to be more free. You inspire.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I never correlated my anxiety to my mind working in distraction, like yours in the meeting. This happens to me often and I am diagnosed with anxiety yet often have a hard time defining when it is actually the anxiety. I have a difficult time focusing for extended periods of time. I get antsy and uncomfortable. I thought that had much to do with my bipolar but the way you say it makes more sense and may be easier for me to find a solution. What that looks like, I’m not sure but I will begin working on it.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. James:

    Thank you for following my blog.

    In your post I see a human being struggling, but not giving up; striving to be better in all areas of life, and not backing down in the face of fear. That’s something to be proud of. Bravery isn’t being fearless, bravery is feeling the fear and doing it anyway. You’re a brave person, and I hope you take the time to celebrate that every single day.

    I’ve lived most of my life ruled by my fears, allowing myself to remain small, because being seen is scary. You’re awesome. Don’t give up because however it may feel in the moment, you’re winning at this game we call life. 🙂

    Namaste

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Amanda. I do what I can win the skills that god gave me. I don’t see it as brave but more necessary to get through the worst parts of my various illnesses.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Brave people never consider themselves brave, just doing what needs to be done. I’m happy to have ‘met’ you 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Just wanted to say that it’s not silly that chewing gum helps. For me putting a piece of hard candy in my mouth and focusing on it helps a great deal. Noticing taste, shape, “melting”, etc. all seems to redirect my thought pattern.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Sounds like, all your anxieties were from the interactions you had with your external environment, because the noises from outside of you get so loud, you’d, lose your focus, and, it’s going to take a lot of time, a ton of practices, until you can, keep all the noises out, just keep on working on it…

    Liked by 1 person

  9. People often tell me that I worry a lot and some tell me that I am over reacting which made me feel really frustrated and I used to feel maybe subconsciously I am acting ? Because no one else I know have this issue. But after reading your blog I finally realized that I am not over reacting nor do I love to have some attention. I just can’t control my anxieties and it’s normal. It happens to many people. Your blog makes me feel a bit better about my own anxieties. Thank you for sharing 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wanderer I am glad that my
      Blog helps. I absolutely hate when people think I am overreacting. We don’t want anxiety, it is just a part of our lives. If we had another choice it would be life without anxiety.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Exactly ! I hate it when people just assume you are acting and being unreasonable. If only they knew how it feels like !

        Liked by 1 person

  10. James, I do so understand the anxiety you are dealing with. I did at your age as well. My daughter suffers from OCD and anxiety so I know where you are coming from. It is a real and frightening condition and unless one has experienced it, one has no idea how awful it feels.

    I’m much older than you so I’m going to be a surrogate parent for a moment. I encourage you to be sure and let your therapist know how dependent you are on your Ativan. That doesn’t sound good. Also, are there other things you are doing to help yourself? Has your therapist suggested other things you can do? Like exercising every day, meditation, and so much more. And maybe things you shouldn’t be doing. (like the coffee? :)Please don’t depend just on your pills. ‘

    I have a hunch you are extremely likable. I can tell you are well-spoken and intelligent. It sounds like you have a lot to offer.

    God bless you in your journey to good mental health. I just know you will succeed.

    Liked by 1 person

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