I am going down a familiar road of my life, but this time there is so much light at the end. Can I make though March and end what is always the worst stretch of my depression?
It is been a rough last couple of weeks. I continue to work through my social anxiety in the coming weeks and I have seen some improvement. I took some much needed time off from blogging and life for a couple days last week, but now I feel a little lost this week. I have so much to do starting a new semester and it is already hard for me to focus.
I always figure it out in the end, but the reality is I can feel it coming again.
I can feel it coming back into my life. Depression. My old friend. I am ready to finally finish my degree and yet depression has its sights on me and it is ready to make every day difficult. It is right there, within my grasp for the first time in my life. A major goal that I have worked with my blood, sweat, and so many tears to achieve. It’s right on the horizon. I am reaching out and it is waiting for me.
It’s almost kismet. Every year towards the beginning of March just on the cusp of spring is when I start to feel vestiges of depression in the early parts of my year start to fade. The weather has been especially cold lately, and it only serves at making me feel worse. I woke up this morning not interested in my day. It took all I had to just take a shower and get my day going. To eat breakfast was a struggle. I was able to read a major chapter for my diversity class and work on my main discussion post. Every second has been a struggle for my supremacy over depression telling me to go back to bed.
I am always like this March, and this month is usually the defining line in my life. If you didn’t know already I struggle with the extreme end of my Bipolar depression during the months of November-March. It’s like clockwork.
By April, with a few weeks of the changing of the time under my belt, I start to feel more at ease. I can better control my anxiety and depression as I work towards summer. I usually get through my summer with very little depression. The weather change is everything. But for the month of March, I will most likely struggle at some level with my depression. How bad depends on me.
The hardest part is finding the reasons to get up and keep working. It could be so easy to just put myself in cruise mode and let things go. I could for once act like I don’t have to be perfect in every aspect of my life. I can’t. I have worked too hard. I have too many plans. And that is too much a part of the personality of The Bipolar Writer.
So I get out bed today and move forward. Keep checking the list and see where I go today. I have to live in the moment and not let the depression control every aspect of my day. I feel as if things are different this year. I have my blog and the people that believe in what I write each day.
This will always be my life. In this Bipolar Life, peace is not an everyday concept that I can have, it’s just the reality. These days are what make me stronger, at least that is my hope. I may muddle through the next few weeks but as long I keep checking off my checklist, I will keep fighting. Always.
James Edgar Skye
Please Help me Publish my Memoir
I have finished the first draft of my memoir “The Bipolar Writer,” and I have decided to go down the self-publishing route. If you can donate anything towards my goal, it would mean the world to me. Those that give will get a special mention in my memoir on a page dedicated to those that made my memoir possible. Thank you in advance!