A Few Thoughts Before my Therapy Appointment
Today is appointment day for The Bipolar Writer as I get to see my therapist for our bi-weekly meetings. I must admit I missed another appointment about a week and a half ago because I was sick. That means since January 1st, of 2018, I have had just one therapy appointment— and it is March 13th.
It has been a crazy week and its only Tuesday. Alongside my social anxiety, depression has made its presence known. I wrote about it yesterday here: When My Depression and Anxiety Meet
I can admit, I am quite anxious today. The main goal of the past few weeks has been to work on my social anxiety, and specifically what triggers have to lead to my recent panic attacks. My therapist wants to work on my panic attacks in hopes to get that under control. It makes sense but I am scared about the prospect of looking at what are the underlying causes. We are using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy which has been so effective in my life.
So here are the thoughts running through my head right now. My hope is that in writing these it will help me focus, and these are my real social anxiety catastrophic thoughts that always go through my head. We are just hours away from my appointment this afternoon.
Here are my current five catastrophic thoughts.
- Will I be able to drive today? It’s raining today. Which is funny because it was hot all weekend. I thought, okay its getting to the middle of March we are in for some warmer weather. Then it rained the last two days. This adds another element to my anxiety.
- Will I be able to sit in a waiting room without raising my anxiety? It has been awhile since I have been in a public place that is not a place I am comfortable with.
- Will I have enough time to explain? The problem with missing appointments is that it has been weeks that I have to catch my therapist up on in my life. There is a lot of things that have gone wrong. Increased depression and certainly my ongoing struggles with social anxiety.
- Will I have a panic attack at some point? This is a real fear. I am always worried about this hours before I leave my house,
- Will I have enough Ativan? Okay, so I always have enough Ativan. I have a scheduled dose around the time I leave. The question really is will I have to take extra to get through my day? Only time will tell.
I hate doing this to myself. I haven’t even stepped outside my house and these thoughts are dancing in my head. I am thinking of asking my therapist to switch me back to weekly visits. With my school, writing, and freelance work schedule this could be a challenge but summer is fast approaching, and I really need to get a grip on my social anxiety.
So that is where I am at with my social anxiety life. Wish me luck.
Always Keep Fighting.
Please Help me Publish my Memoir
I have finished the first draft of my memoir “The Bipolar Writer” and I have decided to go down the self-publishing route. If you can donate anything towards my goal, it would mean the world to me. Those that donate will get a special mention in my memoir on a page dedicated to those that made my memoir possible. Thank you in advance!