Fear of the Stigma Related to My Suicide Attempt

I wanted to give you some background information before I share the following post I wrote on February 27, 2018, ten days after the morning I should have died. The day I had reached an elated mania. The day I had reached a psychotic state. The day I no longer fought my suicidal ideations. On this day there was no fight. There was nothing left to fight. Only the feeling of happiness and peace that I was finally going to meet Jesus. I took over 100 Klonopin, a handful of sleeping pills and a handful of Depakote, typed good-by letters on social media as long as I could keep my eyes open.I remember two things after that. Policeman pounding on my window and falling on my coffee table causing black bruises on my body and a large bump on my head. I have no memory whatsoever of the next four or five days. I was in a blackout state caused from overdosing on Klonopin.I will write more about that day and time in my life, when I am ready. I am not quite ready to relive that moment in detail yet, but I want to write about it for many reasons. One reason is that I want to be a voice for suicide prevention and awareness. I want to educate others by sharing my story. To give insight into the mind of a person that should have died by suicide and lived to tell her story.

I have had numerous suicide attempts before, over a 25 year period. My very first attempt was 20 years ago. My first and my last, and I mean the last attempt, were the most serious, but this last attempt was the very worst. I should have died, but God saved my life, again. This time it was significantly different than ever before. I had no fight in me. No desire to fight. I did not want to. I was ready to die. I always fought my suicidal ideations. This time the voices told me I had no choice and it was time to die. I was at peace and ready to meet Jesus. I was happy.  That is what is so scary. At the time it was not scary because I was insane. I was in psychosis. Replaying those lies in my mind and remembering the peace I felt is extremely scary and horrifies me.

I have bipolar 1 disorder, possibly with psychotic features. The additional label “with psychotic features” is questionable and not fully determined because I have only reached psychosis a few times during my life, and it is extremely scary. I had warnings to get help, but because I was in a manic, mixed state, I refused to get help and was in denial. Bottom line, I was not in a good place, and it was the scariest darkest moment I have ever reached. I want to share this part of my story so I can help others.

I hope this information was enough to catch you up to this point in my life so you will understand why I wrote the following post on…

February 27, 2018

One day, my understanding of my suicide attempt will become much clearer, maybe never crystal clear, but with God’s everlasting love and grace, my glass will sparkle and shine brightly.

Know the Five Signs for Someone who May be Suicidal

  1. Personality changes
  2. Agitated – increased anger
  3. Withdrawn – increased isolation
  4. Poor self-care
  5. Hopeless

Reach out, connect, inspire hope, and offer help.

I had all these signs and more for many months, but I didn’t want help and thought I could keep fighting my suicidal ideations. I was very wrong.

According to statistics, in the United States, someone dies by suicide every 13 minutes, and each death intimately affects at least six others, according to the American Association of Suicidology. Between 1989 and 2013, there were 825,832 suicides, leaving an estimated 4.95 million survivors behind, the AAS says.

If you are having suicidal thoughts, please get help right away and do not make the same mistakes I did. Thank you.

 

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32 Replies to “Fear of the Stigma Related to My Suicide Attempt”

      1. Hi Sue, it is true. The same happened to me almost 20 years ago, a couple of times. I didn’t research what I was doing. No easy googling for me so maybe It wasn’t going to work anyway. I was blessed. Twenty years later, life has it’s ups and downs but I still like being around.😊 ❤🤗😘

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you very much. I don’t feel like I am being brave really. I just feel it is something I need to do to help others if I can. I also think that it can’t be bravery because if it took bravery it would mean I had something to be ashamed of. When I speak about it, it is freeing and helps release my shame. Thank you though,. I truly know what you mean. Writing is so much easier. I am not ready to speak publicly about it. Maybe one day I will, but not yet. Hugs, Sue

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I’m glad God intervened and rescued you. I can relate to what you are saying. I also had no strength to fight the first time I tried to commit suicide and the scary part for me was the deep disappointment I felt when I was not successful. I also have felt the concern about stigmatisma confessing my suicide attempts, the self mutualizaions and the drug addiction. I’ve always kept those details buried in a box on the closet shelf. It as only been recently that I’ve “come out of the closet”. I don’t have bipolar but I did experience psychosis when I stopped drugs. That was a very scary part of my life and much of it I don’t remember, just enough to be freaked out by my behavior. I still deal with chronic depression and anxiety but with the Lord’s help and good support group of friends I’m much better. Thank you for sharing your story. It really helps.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. I am happy I helped you a little by sharing my story. Thank you for sharing about your experiences. It helps to know others had similar experiences. I too was very angry about still being alive for a few days after. So scary. It took about five days or more before my severe suicidal thoughts went away finally. I have not had any since. That is wonderful. God saved my life and He continues to. I am happy you have Jesus in your life as well. I couldn’t do it without God. God is my strength. I pray you continue to get better every day. It sounds like you are doing well and are a very strong person. I am glad you are sharing your story. I think it helps to share your story. It is freeing to release it and let it go and it helps to know you are helping others. We all need to help each other. You helped me with your comments too. Hugs. Sue

      Liked by 1 person

    1. You are welcome. Thank you for reading. I appreciate it. It is therapeutic for me to write about it. I feel I need to so I can hopefully help others by telling my story. Have happy, healthy and fabulous days. Sue

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m so glad you’re still here. You’re so brave to share your story with others, and I’ve no doubt you will help many people who are contemplating suicide. Keep writing, and big hugs to you ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  3. i don’t really know the difference between bipolar I and bipolar II, but, that deep, dark place where i was once, trapped by my own depression, i’d known too well, and i also had my shared, but FAILED suicidal attempts, and you just have to keep on believing, that there’s, a HIGHER purpose of why you’re still alive, perhaps, it’s to, help touch others’ lives who are undergoing the same sort of pains you’d endured to get to where you currently are…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I believe the difference between bipolar 1 and bipolar II is with the severity of the manic episodes. Bipolar 1 has more severe manic episodes than 2. That would be a very simplistic explanation of course. I hope that helped.

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  4. Thank you for sharing your story. I am always amazed to see how God speaks, through His followers, into every crack and crevice of human existence. I know your story will make a difference in many lives. God bless you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow. Thank you. I loved your comments. Yes, God is amazing and he has saved my life and my children’s lives. He is amazing and I have been so blessed by Him, with Him and through Him. Hugs, Sue

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  5. Thank you for sharing your story! I have a couple friends who recently committed suicide and it just breaks my heart. You will be in my prayers. God bless.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I absolutely understand your feeling in relation to the stigma of being suicidal attempting suicide, and being in psychosis. You matter to the world and your story matters to others who have had similar issues with mental health. I personally know what it is like to have the black cloud of stigma or judgment constantly hanging over your shoulders as your family and friends do not understand you and/or think you are just Krazy. The truth is that only God is the true judge of all humans and therefore others who judge suicide survivors should take a good look in the mirror and ask themselves a simple question, “What can I change about my own perspective to support and promote love and not hate?” Change starts by one person speaking out regarding their personal struggles with suicidal ideation, therefore, we should not be in fear of who will judge us for sharing our stories. God wants us to practice love, faith, and hope. I believe in you and keep writing your thoughts.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Very well said. I agree with everything you said. I agree that God is our only judge, but it is hard not to let the stigma bother you. I think sometimes we stigmatize ourselves because of our fear of the stigma. Thank you very much for reading and for your wonderful feedback and insight. It was very helpful. Hugs, Sue

      Liked by 1 person

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