I Was More Like the Worst Parts of me
I have had terrible days in 2018, it comes with this mental illness life. Yesterday was a day that I always fear. A day where I really wanted to give up. It’s been a long time since I have felt like giving up in a very destructive way. It was a temporary feeling that only lasted for a few hours due to my increase in depression.
It’s hard to admit that because I was doing so well.
I gave into depression yesterday. It happens. I had a feeling as if things were headed that way since last week. There has been so much on my mind, and I let things get to me— that is always bad for someone in this life. I know it happens and I will most likely be hard on myself because I let myself down a bit.
Yesterday was my least productive day of 2018. I was thinking that while writing this piece. It is not the end of the world. Even at my bad days I still found ways to be somewhat productive. But, yesterday I spent the day in bed. We are allowed days that we just survive, I wrote about that last week. It’s true I was just surviving that day, but yesterday I survived by just being alive.
I was consumed by every doubt of my life moving forward from this point. I was overwhelmed by school. I couldn’t see an end date on my memoir. I felt terrible because I haven’t dedicated enough time that I wanted to proofread and it’s getting to me. My side projects for my blog, like writing interview features, has taken a backseat. I am having issues with my email, so I am not sure if I can get any of my important emails.
I think the biggest thing I fear is that what if things go wrong this year. I wanted 2018 to be better. It really has been an excellent year for me if I am honest. I have been so productive, but in the back of my mind my doubts creep in as the darkness of my depression starts to take over. That is my biggest fear— that things will spiral. I am always afraid of that happening.
I know it’s just a part of my mental illness and this Bipolar Life. When depression takes me over it brings out the worst parts of me. I think the worst possible thoughts and outcomes. I have been through this before, it is nothing new. I have this great outlet right now on this blog. I know I can get through it.
It just sucks to be in that moment. To be depressed about the unknown is something that is a part of me. I can fight this, but the truth is I am not in a great place. At least not right now. I need a few days. I need to get back on track. So that is what I am doing this morning. I am spending my morning writing two short papers. Then I will start my big powerpoint project for next week.
I need to get through the three months as finish my bachelor’s degree. I have so many positives for my upcoming summer. I have my annual pilgrimage to Vegas. I can walk with my graduating class in June summa cum laude. I have my brothers wedding. I know I will complete my memoir. It is not in me to not complete a project. I have this overwhelming need always to finish what I have started when it comes to a writing project.
The upside is the Los Angeles Dodgers start their 2018 campaign today. Baseball makes me happy. I am in a much better mood than yesterday. I got up out of bed and got going early enough. I am at my favorite coffee shop. I have plans for the next few hours to just plow through some of my school work and edit my memoir until I have to plan my opening day party. Life is good. Depression doesn’t last forever.
I have to keep fighting this lifelong fight. It’s the only choice. Things will get better. It always does get better. I have proven that in my life.
So here I am. Fighting. I do that best through my writing.
Always keep fighting.
James Edgar Skye
Please Help me Publish my Memoir
I have finished the first draft of my memoir “The Bipolar Writer,” and I have decided to go down the self-publishing route. If you can donate anything towards my goal, it would mean the world to me. Those that give will get a special mention in my memoir on a page dedicated to those that made my memoir possible. Thank you in advance!