I was Gone This Week… And I’m Sorry

I started this week on overload. I knew I had a lot to finish and I thought my week started out the right way. I just failed to realize the hours it would take me to complete my school assignments for the week. I made a tough decision to forgo writing. With every second of being awake this week, I knew I had to let a few things slide.

I just didn’t have time to write blog posts, and I had to forgo any proofreading on my memoir this week.

The decision was a tough one. It would have been nice to write blog posts this week because I worked on my social anxiety this week. I was outside my “safe place” of my house for almost five to six hours each day. I have not left my home very much in the last two weeks due to my social anxiety. It was kismet in a way. I am more productive sitting at a coffee shop than in my space at home. Don’t get me wrong, I am productive at my house but when I am out, I feel the anxiety every hour rising. It pushes me to be more productive.

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The upside was good this week. I worked on some of my avoidance behaviors. I started a conversation with someone for about five minutes, and I talked more in-depth with the baristas who know me by name, and I can’t remember most of their names. I never do that! I met with some clients, and I have at least one big freelance job coming up. Instead of spending every second at my favorite coffee shop with my headphones on, I limited it to one hour.

I still dealt with avoidance. I kept waters with me, and I always made sure I had enough Ativan. I am a work in progress.

I was annoyed with my depression this week. My old companion always seems to come an see me when I need him to be far away. It was a struggle to maintain my new sleep/wake schedule. I was waking up at five am, but a few days this week it took me up to an hour or more to get out of bed. What I like about waking up so early is that productivity is higher in the morning. There were times this week where I just wanted to quit this semester and let all my hard work go by the wayside.

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It was my depression talking, but I really feared the reality that a part of me was really willing let everything I have worked so hard for in the last four years disappear. I know how I am when big things are changing in my life. My natural default is to give up. I have given up more times in my life than actually complete a real primary goal.

I found a way to fight. It is now Saturday, and I am finally almost caught up for the week. I have a real shot at taking a much needed day off tomorrow. I had a few moments to share week which I wanted to do the entire time. Life is funny. Last year when things got tough I took a semester off. This year I am fighting for what I want. I guess I am in a better place. Anxiety and depression will always be apart of me. But even with the challenges, I keep fighting.

Always Keep Fighting.

J.E. Skye

Photo Credit:

unsplash-logoNick Moore

unsplash-logoDominik Kiss

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15 Replies to “I was Gone This Week… And I’m Sorry”

  1. Time to “do things” is a a tough one, I get it. Lately it’s been helpful for me to take the quantum physics approach…that there is no such thing as time, therefore there is no rush. Sometimes, that helps…sometimes.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I to suffer from bipolar disorder and anxiety and agoraphobia I find it very hard to leave my house unless I’m with a certain family member I enjoyed reading your post will definitely be following. Xo

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Nicely written. You are doing well and accomplishing amazing things. Keep up the good. Keep getting stronger. Each obstacle you conquer and each goal you achieve will help you on the next big goal you set out to achieve. You will make it. I think you should give yourself a lot more credit than you do. You are awesome and are doing great things and helping many people. Kudos to you James. Hugs, Sue

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I am proud of you James. You are doing what seems right regardless of your struggles. That is hard to do in the face of depression, bipolar depression at that. Way to go!!!

    Liked by 3 people

  5. It sounds like you did some emotional growing this week, James! That’s wonderful. Keep fighting. You just encouraged me to keep going to reach a goal I have that I struggle with giving up on some days. Thanks for that! Have a great week. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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