I started this week on overload. I knew I had a lot to finish and I thought my week started out the right way. I just failed to realize the hours it would take me to complete my school assignments for the week. I made a tough decision to forgo writing. With every second of being awake this week, I knew I had to let a few things slide.
I just didn’t have time to write blog posts, and I had to forgo any proofreading on my memoir this week.
The decision was a tough one. It would have been nice to write blog posts this week because I worked on my social anxiety this week. I was outside my “safe place” of my house for almost five to six hours each day. I have not left my home very much in the last two weeks due to my social anxiety. It was kismet in a way. I am more productive sitting at a coffee shop than in my space at home. Don’t get me wrong, I am productive at my house but when I am out, I feel the anxiety every hour rising. It pushes me to be more productive.
The upside was good this week. I worked on some of my avoidance behaviors. I started a conversation with someone for about five minutes, and I talked more in-depth with the baristas who know me by name, and I can’t remember most of their names. I never do that! I met with some clients, and I have at least one big freelance job coming up. Instead of spending every second at my favorite coffee shop with my headphones on, I limited it to one hour.
I still dealt with avoidance. I kept waters with me, and I always made sure I had enough Ativan. I am a work in progress.
I was annoyed with my depression this week. My old companion always seems to come an see me when I need him to be far away. It was a struggle to maintain my new sleep/wake schedule. I was waking up at five am, but a few days this week it took me up to an hour or more to get out of bed. What I like about waking up so early is that productivity is higher in the morning. There were times this week where I just wanted to quit this semester and let all my hard work go by the wayside.
It was my depression talking, but I really feared the reality that a part of me was really willing let everything I have worked so hard for in the last four years disappear. I know how I am when big things are changing in my life. My natural default is to give up. I have given up more times in my life than actually complete a real primary goal.
I found a way to fight. It is now Saturday, and I am finally almost caught up for the week. I have a real shot at taking a much needed day off tomorrow. I had a few moments to share week which I wanted to do the entire time. Life is funny. Last year when things got tough I took a semester off. This year I am fighting for what I want. I guess I am in a better place. Anxiety and depression will always be apart of me. But even with the challenges, I keep fighting.
Always Keep Fighting.