It’s been a while since I have updated about my experiences working through my anxiety. It hasn’t been great, but like all things in my life, it is a work in progress. I have been working on my avoidance behaviors and my panic attacks which both have been issues over the last month.
It has been a stressful semester, and I knew coming into this semester it wouldn’t be easy. I made the decision last year to make this semester, my second to last, with my most difficult classes being a part of this semester. The ones I didn’t want to do. It didn’t help that I had no break between this semester and my last. In two weeks I will have a week before taking my final two courses for my Bachelor’s degree.
I wanted my last semester that starts in three weeks to be an easy one. I need time to work on proofreading my memoir, and I have a basic science class and poetry class (I have never been great at poetry and I want to hone some skills so I can write a poetry book someday.)
Back to my social anxiety. So it’s been hit and misses. I am still working on my panic attacks and triggers. At the same time, I will be working every week with my therapist to work on my avoidance behaviors. Its imperative that things go well.
I wanted to touch on my own avoidance behaviors with a little history. I have been an introvert since high school. I have never been much in social situations. I love gaming. I love writing, and I love to be alone. After my diagnosis, I disappeared for three years into complete isolation, and even the following two years I was still isolated as I worked to get better.
It was in 2012 that I decided to go back to school, and it was the best thing for me. But I had some terrible habits. I preferred to be alone. It is why I decided to go the untraditional route of college. Online classes gave me the flexibility to work on my own time and schedule. It’s been one of the best decisions in my life.
I have always been this way. I avoid situations where I have to talk to people for extended periods of time. I have friends, but I limit who I let into my life. I avoid most things. It’s easy to write because it’s what I am good at, but being that I am Bipolar and deal with so much social anxiety, I tend to go periods in my life where I isolate.
I did it for years, and I never realized that these behaviors, avoiding real life, would be so detrimental. My response has always been to guard myself so that people can’t be hurt by my actions. I only got things together In 2015. It’s been a struggle to normalize my life. I let things get so bad that now I deal with my social anxiety every day. I never dealt with that part of things.
I’ve been able to deal okay with depression, but that took me almost ten years. I sometimes fear that it will take years to get my social anxiety under control. The problem is this summer is supposed to one of travel. Places I want to go and places I need to go. I fear that I won’t get it under control and the natural default is to give up. If I have to start canceling plans, it might be a significant setback.
It’s been on my mind, but at least I have some time to work on it. So that’s where I am at right now. Working through my social anxiety, panic attacks, and my avoidance behaviors. I will always be a work in progress, and I hate setbacks. So I keep fighting. Like always because that is who I am.