My Thoughts in Recent Weeks
Am I meant to be alone in this world? I have pondered this question lately.
I am mostly talking about myself as a member of the mental illness community but also as a human in general. I am starting to realize that people were never supposed to be alone. Yet, I find that many in this mental illness life find many of us are alone in the struggle. Sure, there is family. I was lucky my family never gave up on me, but they might only understand what is going on with me at a single level. I hope that they never have to live through a depression cycle or social anxiety.
Mental illness has many layers.
I often wonder about the personal choices that I have made, to live in this world where it’s just me and my issues. It made sense ten years ago when I was in a great relationship with someone who was willing to go along with my problems. But I was too scared that what I was about to go through and that it was too much for another person.
To be honest, I never thought I’d make this far. I almost didn’t on at least one occasion. In the first years of my diagnosis, I was content with being alone my issues. It made sense if I wasn’t going to be a part of this world then going out alone was the best for everyone. My family would miss me, but they knew I was always on edge.
Then I got better, and life changed. I started to figure out this life.
I never thought I would be on the road to recovery. It was something that I decided one day and been on this journey ever since. It’s always been that way with me. I make a choice, and I go full throttle. It’s been the worst and best parts of my personality. I make a decision good or bad and stick with it.
It’s only in the last year, with the writing projects I’ve completed, that I have been thinking about the future. But where to start. Deep down there is always my biggest fear. If I started a family could I do it? Take the risk and possibly let what I believe is a part of my blood transfer to someone innocent? It is a real worry.
I have for most of this mental illness life fought this battle on my own. I never thought this could be possible, living outside my illness. I have thought so much about my social anxiety as it has become a significant part of my over the last two years.
I have thought so much about what being alone has done to me. I have so many triggers to sort through, but the one that sticks is being alone. The thought that I could die alone now scares me. Who would have thought that would be me?
We as humans are not to be alone. I have reveled in being alone for so long. I don’t know where to go from here. I keep writing and fighting. That’s what brings me happiness now. So I do what I do?
I haven’t asked a question in a while in my blog posts. What do you think mental illness community bloggers, is it better to be alone or are we not meant to be? Do you believe there is someone out there for everyone?
Please Help me Publish my Memoir
I have finished the first draft of my memoir “The Bipolar Writer,” and I have decided to go down the self-publishing route. If you can donate anything towards my goal, it would mean the world to me. Those that give will get a special mention in my memoir on a page dedicated to those that made my memoir possible. Thank you in advance!