I wrote this poem on April 3, 2015. I was in a dark place. I was close to suicide for the first time since 2010. I had been mourning my grandfather and my life was in a bad place. I was in the depression cycle that started in the summer of 2014 and didn’t end until the summer of 2015. I haven’t had a depression cycle quite as long as this cycle.
This poem is one of my more darker free thought poems. I just wrote what I was feeling.
This poem came weeks before I started therapy.
My Darkest Depression
I know it has been a long while…
I have been lost.
And even tittering on the edges of suicidal thoughts.
It has really just been that way.
I am so afraid.
So afraid of what could happen.
What might happen?
I am going down a road that I may never come back from again.
It scares me to death.
I know the signs and yet here I am.
I am really just a mess so much lately.
Most nights I really want to cry.
So I cry myself to sleep.
Wishing that I don’t wake the next day.
Yet, here I am.
Awake again. Another day. More struggles.
I often think that God hates me.
That I hate myself so much that God has given up on me.
Let’s face it, I would give up on me.
It is a wonder that no one wants anything to do with me.
Is there something I can do, probably not.
My life is this mess, the mess I created.
It’s not gonna change—I tell myself that every night.
It has become me, my past is present. It might be my future.
What does all this mean anymore?
I continue to perish in the darkness. Forever.
Darkness, my best friend, and worst enemy.
Depression my familiar companion, you never leave me.
by James Edgar Skye
Please Help me Publish my Memoir
I have finished the first draft of my memoir “The Bipolar Writer,” and I have decided to go down the self-publishing route. If you can donate anything towards my goal, it would mean the world to me. Those that give will get a special mention in my memoir on a page dedicated to those that made my memoir possible. Thank you in advance!