When Will I Feel More Like Myself?

The Bipolar Writer’s Lament

It’s been a rough April, and the start to May in my Bipolar life has been less than auspicious. I do want 2018 to be different. Even with the best intentions I still have bad habits— mainly that I let depression take over long periods of my life.

I want to feel more like how I started my year. January to March I was rolling along at a high pace. Now it feels more like I am sitting on my hands worried that either my depression would consume me or anxiety will take over my life.

D42B3B4C-4755-40C4-8AFB-C5B9DCA5AFB4.jpeg

I have been missing a piece of myself that I somehow lost at some point at the end of March. I am different person now and I don’t like it one bit. I’m really lost. It seems to start and end with sleep.

The truth is I haven’t been sleeping well. I did what I am supposed to when my sleep starts to get out of control. I take my max dosage of Seroquel so I can sleep. That is the worst because it means more in my system. The more I have to take, the more the zombie me takes over during my day.

I was hopeful that the turn of the month and warmer weather would help. In the past my November to March was typically filled with severe depression. Then 2018 happened and a I had a new attitude— a positive outlook at all I was achieving. I skipped my usual January to March depression.

Life always seems to catch with me in this Bipolar life.

I am not sure where to go from here for the first time since creating the Bipolar Writer blog. I want to think that I can continue writing my blog. A piece of me wants to give up. I have never been this dedicated to something in my life outside my writing projects and school.

Don’t get me wrong. I love what I do. I love sharing the stories of others in the mental health community. It’s just I have always had this one bad habit. I forget about my own mental health.

Will I ever feel like I did in January?

I was in control of my future. I still am, but there is more uncertainty. It could just be that things are truly changing. I am seven weeks away from completing my bachelors degree, something that despite being Bipolar I have done very well. It’s the longest thing I have been dedicated to in my life.

As I sit here writing and thinking about how things changed so quickly. I thought I was ready for anything. That 2018 was the year I conquer my social anxiety. I am no closer to this goal. I sometimes wish I was just depressed. Okay I could deal with that, but on a nightly basis my anxiety keeps spiraling out of control.

I hate the feeling of losing who I am, and I can’t live everyday in fear of my anxiety. It’s about all I think about, and at the end of the day I can’t fathom how I got through another day of this life.

It could be this is just a part of riding out a depression cycle. It takes time when your life is a light switch that only has two modes— depression and anxiety.

I will always fight. It’s what I do. It doesn’t mean I don’t have my doubts some days. I hope at the end of every week that this will be the turn. This has been my life for so long. I am better than this. I am stronger than this.

E0175EDB-C9F0-4AA5-A211-740ED1E1961B

Always Keep Fighting. That means so much right now.

James Edgar Skye

Photo Credit:

unsplash-logoSHTTEFAN

unsplash-logoKristina Tripkovic

unsplash-logoSteve Halama

Advertisements

30 Replies to “When Will I Feel More Like Myself?”

  1. Hopefully once you’re finished your undergrad you’ll have a chance to breathe and reconnect with yourself. You’ve been going full-throttle for months now – you certainly deserve to have one less thing to be juggling!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Being this way doesn’t make us weak. We have weak moments. Perhaps shift your focus from having these issues to doing activities that you enjoy. Spend an hour a day outside in nature, even if you do not want too.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. That’s not a bad idea. I have been in major isolation lately. I need to get out and do things that have nothing to do with major goals.

      Like

      1. Your activities do not have to include other people. Just get yourself outside of yourself. It’ll lessen many symptoms.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Me too but I am learning to do different and I am amazed at the change it has brought on. I am still alone except in a different environment. It has helped me with beating myself up and falling further into depression. I will be thinking of you.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I hope that you continue writing. Your blog was, and continues in its growth to be, a beautiful creation. But, it’s okay to take a break. And, you aren’t your disorder; it’s only a part of what makes you who you are.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Do you think subconsciously that you are nervous and anxious about graduating from college? I think I do that. I get nervous of an upcoming change in my future and/or end of something. I fear it and sometimes defeat myself from my own fear – fear of failure. I am not sure if that makes sense. You have a huge change and accomplishment and completion of a time and part of your life (four plus years or so) coming soon. You made it. You succeeded. You did it. Hurray! You are almost there. You will do it. You will make it. One step at a time and you are going to make it. Try not to want to copy your November to March but feel pride in your accomplishment and done try not to have it be the same but aim for even better than before. We always transforming into something more. While we are in a transformation phase it may feel like we are losing, or stopping or digressing or taking two step backwards but actually we are transforming into something more. You are becoming better every day. You are doing great. You can do it. You are a strong person. Keep keeping on. I pray you will get through this James or David. (I think it is David isn’t it?) I will pray for you. Hugs, Sue

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey Sue,

      I go by both. David is my real name and James Edgar Skye is my pen name. It copied be that I am so close to the end of a journey I never knew for sure I’d finish. It makes sense—- the fear. I need to do some soul searching. Thank you for sharing.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. You have fought so well I know that you can keep on. I agree that getting to the end of something does bring on bouts of anxiety. Remember even good stress is stress. In medicine it is called eustress and is still counted as a factor. Remember small steps…small steps. You are in my prayers both as David and as JES. Suzanne

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I relate to your paragraph on Seroquel so well. The drug I hate is the one I can’t function without. Good luck; take care of what you need.

    Like

  7. I’ve only been reading your blog for four days but already I feel a kind of kinship with your experiences. It’s a gift to have that power with words. Also I’m sorry you’re having anxiety trouble and hope you find a resolution soon.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. You are soon to be a graduate, that causes stress and anxiety for a lot of people. I’m not down playing your experience, I just hope you recognize that you are going through a unique time with graduation upon you. It was a hard time for me, mixed emotions played into my anxiety and my right eye twitched for weeks. That’s not the best way to be interviewing, twitching eye and palms lathered in anxiety sweat. I did it, you can too. I know you can!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. A Bachelor’s Degree is a huge deal!! For anyone!! Hats off to you sir.

    I empathize with your feeling of not feeling the same. I have been feeling this way too. Something feels amiss, but I can’t put my finger on it. On the good days, though I am grateful to be free of the anxiety, I find myself indifferent and apathetic.
    I hope we both find what we’re missing/seeking

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Sometimes, we get so caught up by how out-of-control our lives become, and we get, totally, trapped by it, and the more we’d wanted things to be different somehow, it all, stayed, exactly the same, and we get, trapped in this vicious cycle of our own thoughts, and the best way is just to tell our minds, to STOP racing, and sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn’t, and when it doesn’t, all we can do, is to just, let our minds wander, run to wherever the HECK it is that it wants to go, and after we’d set our minds free, we will feel free too, sometimes, it’s important, to NOT try to control every single aspect of our lives, because the more we’d craved control, the more out of control our lives became, that, is from my personal experienes, hope this will help ease your mind somewhat…

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Hi James, it is great to hear that you are completing your Bachelor degree soon. It will be your awesome achievement despite the challenges from your bipolar disorder. do celebrate this success and give yourself a pat on the back. If you can complete your study, it means that you can achieve other greater things!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. I haven’t always been kind to myself and I have a lot of bad habits on top of being a pessimist. I am going to take step back and pay myself on the back. I’ve come a long way on a journey I wasn’t always sure about.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Well done! I believe you have tried your best all the way. Keep it up:) It is hard to kick old habits but perseverance and great social support can help you.

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s