Hitting Rock Bottom in 2018

Well it was coming. I hit rock bottom on Monday. I had no motivation to do anything positive. I did go out in the morning to do my Monday routine, but after that I laid in bed and actually slept again. Then I stayed bed. I gave up. I was done.

Honestly, I thought this was it. I have let depression take me over.

In my mind, I was in for one of those year-long depression cycles. I was pessimistic, and all I wanted to do was give up. Why keep fighting? Why keep going when all I am doing is losing?

It got worse Monday night. I couldn’t sleep. It was five in the morning when I finally hit that bottom. I slept for a couple of hours. I had thought when I woke up it would be much of the same. It has been like that for weeks.

I’ve hit rock bottom before, it’s a side effect of severe depression. Maybe I needed to hit rock bottom. I woke up Tuesday. I can’t say I felt different, but I refocused.

I took a shower. I sat down and had some coffee. I refocused. I prioritized my day and the rest of my week. I called my therapist and set up my next appointment. I also set up my appointment with yet another psychiatrist (see the revolving door of psychiatrists.) I took charge. I stopped feeling sorry for myself and feeding the depression. I studied and wrote multiple blog posts. Life crept back into my soul.

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The sample size is small, but it’s the little wins that count in this battle. On a side note my anxiety is getting better. I don’t know if I have indeed broken the current cycle. I thought it had ended, but the truth is in this Bipolar life, you can’t get complacent. I felt that I had somehow conquered my depression, but I let my guard down.

I bragged that depression was a temporary thing that I could conquer in less than a week. I thought that gone were the days of long depression cycles were gone. Yet, here I am, over two months into the worst depression cycle since 2016.

I made the ultimate sin. I thought I could conquer my depression for good. I’m not saying that is not possible— it is. At the same time, depression will come at you from all directions.

I started this blog to show my journey after learning so much from ten years of dealing with being Bipolar. I have learned these past few weeks that mental illness is ever evolving. I still believe that recovery is possible, that getting to a manageable level with my depression is something that can and will be done in this life.

So I will keep fighting. Taking it day by day sounds a cliche, but here it is— always keep fighting my friends. I know I will.

James Edgar Skye

P.S. This is another chance for me to change the narrative of my Bipolar life.

Photo Credit:

unsplash-logoIan Chen

unsplash-logoLuca Laurence

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41 Replies to “Hitting Rock Bottom in 2018”

  1. Truly well done on taking back control. It can seem futile, and so very hard but in writing and planning you are winning, it may be a slow battle but keep fighting. Take care xx

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Exactly and you should be pleased,you won’t conquer it forever but you will be able to manage it better and you are proving that all the time.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Being a long-sufferer of depression and learning only recently that I can reclaim my life, your post is a huge boost. All the best for your recovery journey friend. You’re not alone in it.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Regardless of how small the sample, it is more important that you have a sample to share. When I talk to other people who have agoraphobia I tell them every step you take is a step forward and that is a cause for celebration. If you want someone to celebrate the big and small let me know. I’m a great cheerleader, especially for my brothers and sisters dealing with mental illness.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m glad I found your blog. I’m sorry you are going through this right now. It’s hard. And sometimes despite our best efforts depression still gets us. I’m glad you found it in you to keep trying. You are not alone. Great post! Thank you

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Thank you for sharing the intimate details of your battle with depression. xx I am sorry you are having a bad cycle at the moment, know that you have so much support behind you from this platform.

    Shevy
    http://moonsomnia.com

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your kind words. They help so much. It’s the first time in my life that I have had a platform such as this. And it feels good to have it to lean out.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Thank you for this! I’m currently struggling with what is to date my worst cycle of depression ever. This motivates me to try harder to take control before it destroys me.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Give it time too. I thought two weeks ago forcing myself to get better would work but it backfired. Still I am happy to hear you want to take control. Depression cycles are just horrible.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m sorry it backfired, truly I am. You’re definitely right, depression cycles are so horrible and destructive. Keep fighting and I will too.

        Like

  7. Proud of you James for continuing the fight… Glad to know you came out of another severity setback… Continue to encourage and inspire!!…

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Awhile back I had a really bad spell of anxiety. I had been so good for so long that I became complacent. I stopped doing the work. I’ve learnt my lesson.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I can see how much your life is worth it to you. You keep fighting even when it’s hard to remember why, and that perseverance has likely been a great strength in your life <3. Hope you find some peace soon, friend.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Life is cycle of ups and downs. But the challenge is how you deal with it. And you have over won that! That’s great..you should be proud of your inner ability and strength.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Life is so hard sometimes… I feel like lately I too have hit a low point. I’m struggling to find meaning with life… Nevertheless I try to anyway… Reading your post made me think I probably should pick up my phone and schedule an appointment with my therapist… Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings, makes me feel less alone.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. That is a big thing for me. I’ve been missing appointments which is so common in my depression cycles. The best thing I did was pick up my phone and call my therapist.

      Liked by 2 people

  12. This is very much relatable during my down times, and depression hits hard on its every visit. It feels bad but, yes, manageable. Hope you find blogging helpful and some support from real-life or online friends.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Some conditions need to be medically treated. I believe it’s possible to be delivered from mental illness, but most of us aren’t. We want to think it’s mind over matter, but if you had diabetes would you look at it the same as bipolar? Do what you need to in order to stay whole. There’s no shame in that. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  14. I love your articles! Thank you for all that you do for all of us! I can totally relate and you have inspired me to start blogging in the future!
    #YOURBIGGESTFAN😁

    Liked by 1 person

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