My First Honest Post

This was one of the first posts here on The Bipolar Writer when I started back in September of 2017. I was feeling a bit nostalgic so I wanted share this post again.

My First Honest Post

Lately, I have felt like I am on this journey down this long road with my diagnosis. There is so much road behind me, and the road in front of me is so long it seems daunting, but I must journey on.

Up to this point, my blogs have been about my past, poems, or articles that I have written. I haven’t written my first honest post yet, so I figured why not now? It has been a rocky 2017. I started the year in the hospital for a week with bad ulcers. For almost eighteen hours I coughed up pints of blood. The stress had just gotten the best of me and my body was reacting accordingly.

Months before that my anxiety peaked, so much so that I was spending almost every night in so much emotional turmoil that for months I barely left my house. I feared things, but social situations were what drove my anxiety. I avoided it all, and though I missed the outside world I let myself get lost in my anxiety and depression. It wasn’t until around April that my life started to receive some normalcy.

I started working on cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) and for weeks and the subsequent months, I slowly got better. I could leave my house again and go to my favorite coffee house. I could sit for small intervals and enjoy my writing. I took a semester off from school so that I could recharge my batteries. It was hard most days as I worked extremely hard to get my depression and anxiety levels to a manageable place.

I have functioned at a high level of effectiveness for the last few months. I was learning to take my thoughts and change the thinking behind them (CBT) and it worked. I learned to use listening to my breathing and to spending ten minutes a day just listening to the world around me. When I drove my car, one of the areas that for some new reason raised my anxiety, I used my breathing techniques to make driving manageable again. I even found a way to take favorite music and make connections to my past and figure why I have so much anxiety.

In some ways, some my progress has gone backward in recent weeks. Some old habits have crept back up in my life. I have missed appointments with my therapist, a sure sign that things are not as great as I’d like it to be. For the past few weeks I have been having some bad anxiety late at night, and for the first time in a while, my panic attacks late at night have come back.

It’s probably time for me to make my point… Today, I felt really disconnected from myself. I was doing my usual thing. Woke up early. Did some laundry. Gave someone a ride and then went to do my usual study/writing session at my favorite coffee house. It just felt as if I was here, but mentally I was just checked out. It happens sometimes when my depression and anxiety are at war with one another.

I am usually at my best when there is the right structure in my life. I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow and I plan on getting back on track. It will take everything I have, but it will be better when I take control of things again. It’s not all bad. I finished my screenplay and I am close to finishing the novel version. It is interesting that as I approach my ten-year anniversary since my diagnosis that I finally have a place to write about my experiences.

J.E. Skye

Photo by: Pablo Garcia Saldaña

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20 Replies to “My First Honest Post”

    1. I’m sorry to hear. Stay strong brother. If you ever need anything, I monitor my social media accounts pretty well, Twitter is the best way to contact me.

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    1. CBT is great it’s helped me a lot. My journey is a bit longer than yours, my ten year anniversary of my diagnosis is next month. I hope your journey is a good one, but find strength when it doesn’t go right. The journey is truly the best part. I found who I am because of my diagnosis. I look forward to connecting with you.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. You inspire and connect with so many people! We are all rooting for you! Thank you for sharing where you are. I hope you find the answers you are needing to keep making progress. A lot of times progress in mental illness feels like one step forward 5 steps back and that is a hard place to be. I’m hoping and praying for continued progress for you!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Great description, feels like a roller coaster. When I think I’ve got a good ‘handle’ on my mental state, something happens that stresses me out and awakens my anxiety.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. It’s indeed long, however your journey is making a difference far more than you know.

        ‘A good traveler has no fixed plans, and has no intent on arriving’ – Lao Tzu

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Its great that you shared this with us. Don’t worry you will get back on the track soon. Have full faith and confidence in yourself. Hope to see your happy post soon.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. We all have these moments, of highs being too high, and lows, being, way too low, and sometimes, we can only, let our emotions run wild, and stop trying to control them, because, emotions are, supposed to be experienced, to their fullest potentials, both the good ones, and the bad ones…

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