Finding the Silver Lining

Depression can be a seductive beast. It will hold you down and whisper lies to you until you can’t resist believing them. It will tell you that you are alone. That nobody cares about you or what you’re feeling. That you won’t be missed, and in fact, the world will be a better place without you. It will take everything you know and make you doubt it. It will chain you in darkness until you can’t remember what day it is or how long it’s been since you’ve seen the light. You might not be able to escape the dark cloud of depression, but if you find the silver lining you can survive.

This can be tricky, because depression can convince you that there is no silver lining. You have to force yourself to remember that there is. You have to MAKE yourself see it, even when it feels impossible to find.

Your silver lining could come in any form. Find the thing that will keep you tethered to this world and to reality when the raging fire of depression threatens to consume you. For me, it’s my mother.

There was a time that depression had me convinced that nobody cared about me and so I stopped caring about myself. I stopped functioning and started just floating through my days.

It got to the point that I was barely eating, drinking, or sleeping. I would lie awake at night and stare at the ceiling and just feel numb. I’d ask myself how me being here and being alive made a difference if I was so empty already.

My lack of self-care finally culminated in a medical emergency. I passed out in my bathroom floor and was rushed to the hospital and promptly put on an IV to replenish nutrients and rehydrate me. I lied to the doctors when they asked me what happened, because as much as I thought I didn’t care I was embarrassed. I didn’t know then that I was suffering from a mental illness. I didn’t understand why I felt so empty and wrong. I just knew that it wasn’t normal, so I didn’t tell anybody the real reason that I ended up in the hospital. But that didn’t matter.

In the middle of that chaos, I found my silver lining. My mother, who I had been convinced would be better off without me, was a wreck. She loved me and worried about me so much that, had I not survived, it would have destroyed her. It was still several years before I opened up to my mom about my depression, but she saved me on more than one occasion. I just wish that I had seen sooner that there was a silver lining to all the darkness. That I had been able to recognize that there was still a light there, even if I couldn’t see it for the cloud that had settled around me.

There are so many of us who never get to see the light again because our illness convinces us that it’s not there at all. So, please, keep looking for your silver lining even when you’re not sure that you’ll ever find it, and tell the people you love when you’re struggling because, at the very least, they may be able to help you find it.

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15 Replies to “Finding the Silver Lining”

  1. I can so relate to your post. If it weren’t for my mom, I wouldn’t be here. It would have literally killed her if I had taken my life due to such severe depression. I still struggle daily with those thoughts, but try to keep as busy as possible to work through the dark thoughts.
    This was a very good post you have written. Thank you, for sharing your story. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much for reading and for your feedback. I’m sorry to hear that you also struggle with depression, but it’s always reaffirming to hear that you’re not alone. I wish you all of the best. If you’re interested in reading about my struggle a little bit more in depth, I have a personal blog here on WordPress as well. I recently posted a two-part blog about the same situation that I recounted here, but it’s a little more detailed. Here’s the link, if you’re interested: https://journeyofasmalltowngirlblog.wordpress.com/2018/05/30/let-them-stare-growing-up-weird-pt-1/

      Liked by 1 person

  2. A very relatable and important post, thank you for sharing! I’m so glad you survived, it’s amazing how depression convinces us that the people that actually love us would be better off without us. I believed it whole heartedly until I witnessed the aftermath of my suicide attempt, an aftermath that 3 years on is still affecting the people I care about the most. I still have suicidal thoughts regularly but I also have much more understanding of the pain it causes now, and that has been enough to stop me following through since.
    xx Kate

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for reading and commenting. I think it’s important to talk about this aspect of it, especially for those of us who struggle with it daily. It helps to know that we’re not alone and to have someone else who understands reassure us that there ARE people who care. It’s also important to me because I *HATE* when people say that committing suicide is weak or selfish. People who are at that point generally feel like they don’t have a choice OR they genuinely think that people in their life would be better off without them. Depression lies to us and makes it difficult for our brains to recognize the truth. I have to remind myself STILL when I’m in the depths of it that there ARE people who love me and I DO matter and have value. I don’t mean to spam this, but I really appreciate when people get something positive from the things I write, so if you didn’t see my previous comments, I’m going to share the link to my personal blog. If you’re interested in reading it and/or have any more feedback, I’d love for you to check it out. Here’s the link: https://journeyofasmalltowngirlblog.wordpress.com/2018/05/30/let-them-stare-growing-up-weird-pt-1/

      Liked by 1 person

  3. People who have never experienced depression honestly don’t understand how it saps your strength and your will to even get out of bed. My son is going through a tough time, I. like your mother, am there every step of the way, bless your Mom and you for fighting to pull out of it, I won’t give up on my son either.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Your son is lucky to have you! Thanks for reading and commenting. I wish you and your son the best. I know how hard it can be.

      Like

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