When You Have Nothing to Say

In recent weeks I have been stuck in this bizarre loop. I feel as if I have said everything there is to say about James– The Bipolar Writer. Those that read my blog posts know I am struggling at the moment with my social anxiety and now my generalized anxiety. There is a real change that I could be agoraphobic, which doesn’t surprise me given the state of my social anxiety at this moment. At night my anxiety spirals daily, and no end seems to find me, or an answer to my problems. At the same time, I feel as if I have nothing to say…

So it goes on in this loop. Anxiety. Fear. More anxiety. Take my Ativan. Try to surivive the night. Try to survive outside my house. Try to exist.

All this is just mental health stuff. I have to continue to work on my recovery through therapy. I have to write poems for my poetry class (although I have really enjoyed this part) and then switch over to finishing quizzes and papers for my science class– to complete my final semester. Then my move to my new house is less than a week and a half away, and it has been a stressful process to find balance.

I sometimes think my head will explode at some point.

I always want to be open to the readers of this blog, but can I continue to complain when I fail to find solutions to the problems? I know. It is a process. It doesn’t happen overnight and all that jazz. I continue to work with my therapist, but I have already given up on things that would have made this summer what I needed to move on.

Take walking with my class. I could have flown out and walked. I am graduating top my class, but social anxiety fears got in the way. As many panic attacks as I have had over the past week, there was a real fear of flying and having a panic attack. So I decided not to walk and finish my semester and get my degree– total avoidance behavior. I have started to make excuses for why I can enjoy my summer. Money. Motivation. Fear. It is excuses that are driven by anxiety fear.

lane-smith-442416-unsplash.jpg

I fear just sitting at my favorite coffee shop writing a blog post. Fear has been my greatest weakness lately. I was working on my recent avoidance behaviors, and I realized I have been avoiding writing because I fear that I would sound like a broken record. The Bipolar Writer is talking again about his social anxiety issues, still. It has also affected my writing. There has been a real disconnect between finishing up my memoir. It is my fear that takes over.

Working on your mental health is a 24/7, 365 days a year job. Most days lately it’s getting through an hour is a chore. I am on edge. My anxiety spirals so much that it amazes me that I have found new levels that I never thought were possible. I think at some level all the changes as once– the move and finishing my degree– has taken over with irrational fear. Maybe when it is all said and done at the end of June, I can finally relax.

One thing to come out of this mess is that my poetry writing has improved so much over the last six weeks. I never knew that writing poetry could be therapeutic. I always attributed writing a blog post for The Bipolar Writer blog was therapeutic– but sometimes on a journey, you get lost. You can lose focus and maybe lose yourself.

I have lost something lately, and I hope to find it soon.

Always keep fighting.

James

Photo Credit:

Unsplash-logoJosh Couch

unsplash-logoLane Smith

Advertisements

28 Replies to “When You Have Nothing to Say”

  1. I’m having a hard time right now as well. Moving, anxiety, depression, and bpd keep getting in the way of my success. I’m dying for a peaceful moment where I can just let the words flow out of me so I can maybe start feeling myself again.
    I hope we both can get everything figured out so we can be the awesome people I know we truly are.

    Like

    1. I am hoping the same. Peace sounds like such a foreign topic at the moment. Anxiety seems to be all I think about from sun up to sun down. Always keep fighting!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes. Same. The worst is when it comes out of nowhere and you can’t pinpoint the trigger so you can learn how to better handle it 😫 that happens to me much too often.
        Keep writing, keep fighting!

        Like

      1. Thank you. That means a lot to me. You can make it. Change always causes increased anxiety in everyone and you have some big changes coming up. Just think, change causes anxiety and fear in people without a mental illnesss. It is so easy to forget that many of our emotions are normal – sometimes just quadrupled in intensity unfortunately. I’m rooting and praying for you. One step at a time and soon you will be walking out many doors to success and happiness. More hugs, Sue

        Liked by 2 people

  2. Moving is a very stressful process. On the flip side, it’s a fresh start. Commend yourself for your accomplishment of graduating top of your class!

    Like

      1. I recently moved and while I am also the type that wants to unpack as quick as possible, I chose to do it differently this last time. Instead of burning myself out to unpack right away, I did it in smaller increments )over about a 2 week period.) I’m not sure if this suggestion would be helpful for you, but I can say it took the pressure off. By pacing yourself, you’d still have time to edit your book and get other things done. Just a thought

        Liked by 1 person

      2. That isn’t a bad idea. I am the type to bull rush through just to get it done but I have time on my side. Thanks for the suggestion Johnzelle.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. What I appreciate about this post is how real it is. Anxiety can be consuming, the recovery process can seem never ending and the panic cycle, as I call it, is so damn repetitive it would be boring if it weren’t so terrifying at the same time. I appreciate real-ness. You are not alone & thank you for reminding the rest of us that we aren’t either.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I can understand where you are coming from, because in addition to what you are struggling with, you are also being overrun with the frustration and self-judgment connected to that those struggles stop you from doing what you want to do. I am really sorry to hear that anxiety seems to be ruining a lot of things for you right now. It is okay to be stuck sometimes, we can not overwin everything all at once. You are a very self-aware and smart person, and it sounds like the frustration needs to be countered with self-validation and patience. You are doing a great job at describing what you feel, and I really hope that anxiety will soon not have the grip on you anymore. Good luck with your move! ❤

    Like

  5. Ditto to what the others said. Also, if you really feel stumped on a writing topic: share some poetry.
    I have read good and bad and amazing and terrible on WordPress; the important part is that the would-be poets all just try.

    Like

  6. My anxiety has been spiraling at night too lately. I’m not sure why it seems to get really bad once bedtime rolls around, but it does and it doesn’t help that my fears too have been feeding my anxiety. I’ve been living in this constant loop of fear, anxiety, and depression and I can’t seem to find the exit anywhere. I hope that you find some peace soon and I wish you luck with that move 🙂 And may you find that something you lost ❤️

    Like

    1. Thank you so much Steph. If you ever need someone to talk to while dealing with your night stuff, let me know. I know it’s so hard at night. We want rest not restlessness

      Liked by 1 person

  7. This is a highly relatable post you’ve written; still encouraging when in throes of the struggle… Good of you to be real and honest… Praying for you to have smooth transition into your new place and inspiration to continue the writing endeavors…

    Like

  8. I totally get you on feeling like you have nothing more to say and don’t just want to keep repeating the same stuff. But for me, to an extent I don’t care if people read it and think that. I started my blogs just to find a space to write my experiences down and get them out of my head. So if it works for you, just to get it out then I say do it.

    Always keep fighting.

    Like

  9. Poetry is powerful. You did good, to discover your poetic abilities. Happy for you!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s