Becoming Whole

Full.  Completed.  Perfect.  Undivided.  Fulfilled.

What does whole mean to you?  To me?

For a long time, I didn’t know.  I just knew I felt incomplete, and broken.  Bipolar depression had shattered the me I knew and turned everything on it’s head.  But I knew it wasn’t just the illness making me feel incomplete.  I know this because even when I felt well for several years, I didn’t feel fulfilled really.  I was spending so much time chasing and doing, but little to no time getting to know myself and understanding what I need.

As I have tried to pull myself out of my latest episode of depression I have often told myself, “I need something for me and me alone.”  Caught up in a sea of everyone else’s needs I was feeling lost and empty.  I couldn’t get out of the lingering tide of depression that kept bringing me down.

I thought of several ideas of what I could do just for me.  Maybe I could get a job.  Working a couple nights a week might be just the thing to get me out of the house and into a world of my own.  That didn’t sit well with me, though.  I had a new baby to care for.  It wasn’t likely that I would really be able to leave on a regular basis in the evenings.  This is because I wanted time with my husband as well, and that is the only time he is home with us, due to his work schedule.

Maybe I could do a play with a local theater company.  I loved doing theater as a youth and young adult.  The idea of exploring that art again was very attractive to me.  I also desperately wanted to be creative again.  But this would not work as well, for the same reasons I couldn’t get a job.  There would be numerous evening rehearsals and I didn’t think I could even handle that big of a commitment at that time.  So that idea was also discarded.

Time went on.  I tried my best to find joy in making our house a home.  I do enjoy decorating and painting walls, and beautifying our environment.  I also have enjoyed reading.  I found little things to do each day that I could enjoy while still caring full time for my four children.  I also take time everyday to enjoy my children and the wonderful people they are becoming.  But as years went by I realized that this wasn’t enough for me.  I have spent years giving to others.  And while I love this aspect of my life, I knew that I needed something more–something that I could really throw myself into for my own fulfillment.

When my depression started to dip down again a few months ago, I knew I could not put my own needs off any longer.  I needed to find something I could do right away that would help to nourish me.  So I prayed for help and I started forming some plans.  I decided I might go back to school in the fall.  I considered moving toward becoming a professional counsellor.  I became excited about the prospect and realized how much I could bring to the table with a client, having experienced mental illness myself.  I decided it would be a good idea to make a list of everything that I had learned from having mental illness.  I did just that, and found that I had a lot of knowledge already that I could share.

So I started blogging.  Why wait to become a counsellor?  I could start sharing what I had learned, and my own experiences, with people right now–without going back to school.

It was a short month and half later that The Bipolar Writer liked one of my posts.  I was intrigued.  Who is The Bipolar Writer?  I got onto his website and was amazed.  This Bipolar Writer was doing was I was trying to do–help others with his experiences–and had quite a following.  I loved what I read here and the sense of community and understanding I felt here.  I wanted to be a part of it.

To my surprise and excitement, he posted that he was looking for contributor writers for his blog.  I emailed James immediately and told him I would love to be a part of what he is doing.  He graciously accepted my offer to write.

This is a nice story, but what does it have to do with becoming whole?  I have been fortunate to explore writing again–really explore it and get creative in ways that I haven’t since I was attending college as a young adult.  In doing so, I remembered how much I always loved writing in my youth.  It was something I could always get excited about and I was pretty good at it, at the time.

I am rediscovering a long dormant love and passion for writing!  This is what I have been needing.  Something I can get excited about and look forward to that is just for my own enjoyment.  It’s the missing piece that I didn’t know I needed all this time.

For the first time in many many years I am beginning to feel whole!  I am a becoming full, complete, undivided and fulfilled Chelsea.  I have started work on a novel and am working on developing my writing skills.  Having this outlet is making me a better mom and wife and a happier me.

So thank you.  Thank you for reading.  Thank you, James, for this opportunity.

In closing, I invite you to do some pondering.  Think about what you need, what you enjoy and how you can incorporate it into your life.  I hope in doing so you will find what you need to make you more whole.

As always, I’d love to hear from you.  Have you discovered your passion?  Do you have something in your life that brings your joy and fulfillment?  Comment to share.

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19 Replies to “Becoming Whole”

  1. Love this and get it 100%. Exactly the reason I started writing. It has become a passion I didn’t even know existed. Thanks for sharing your story and super impressed about 4 kiddo’s. High Five!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much! Love that can relate! ❤️ thank you for commenting!

      Like

  2. I too have found my passion again in writing which has lead me in the direction of starting my own creative business. It will include the mental health community and stationery. I recently purchased a separate domain to monetize and learn from before self-hosting. I feel complete, with bipolar disorder. That is important to me as I’ve searched endlessly for balance.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. That’s wonderful! I look forward to hearing more about your endeavor. So awesome. Thanks for sharing this. ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! I’m grateful for your comment. I hope your pondering leads you to your own passion. ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I can relate to this so so so so so much. Stories like yours inspire me and I am hoping it has the same affect on me and my life!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. (Pinches self) – I thought I was reading my own blog, the entire time. This is me, every bit of it! I am going through the exact same thing right now. Wow! I decided today, to start a blog. I’ve always been an introvert type person, finding it hard to communicate openly with people around me, and I’m hoping to be able to pour my heart out through blogging. This is truly inspiring! If you have any advice for me as a new blogger, please share. ❤️❤️

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Wow! That’s amazing! I’m so excited for you to begin! I love that you say your desire is to “pour your heart out” because this is an exact phrase I use when describing what I want to accomplish in my writing! I would say if you do that, you are off to a good start. If you are interested in developing your writing skills, I recommend this website: https://thewritepractice.com I just discovered it and am really enjoying the writing exercises so far. Good luck with everything! I’m excited to check out your blog. Incidentally, I started a writing blog today too! https://chelsthewriter.wordpress.com It seems like we are on the same page. 😍

      Liked by 2 people

  5. This is such a heart-warming post Chelsea. You’ve a great knack for writing. Keep inspiring through your words. 🙂

    For me, writing script for my soon-to-be-launched podcast and learning Japanese giving me major spirit upliftment.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Jheelam! ❤️❤️ Wow— that sounds amazing! I’m excited to hear more about your podcast! And learning Japanese—what an accomplishment. Thanks so much for sharing!

      Liked by 1 person

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