Constant Battles

When mental illness is present, there is constant conflict within.  Many of us share similar battles because we have a similar set of symptoms.  Some of us fight battles very unique to us and our circumstances.  Sometimes, a battle is present because of deep scars from our past.  Whatever the battle, it can be very difficult at times, and we can come away feeling defeated or discouraged.  This is something I know you each understand.

I have shared in past posts about my battle with loving myself.  It is an ongoing challenge that I am doing my best to overcome.  If I am being honest, a lot of the time, it simmers in the background while I deal with the business of caring for my children and home.  Then there are times when it comes to the forefront and I am reminded that I need to give this aspect of my life more deliberate attention.

This describes what happened to me this past weekend.  I pushed myself too hard a couple days in a row and ended up having some significant depression symptoms again.  I was forced to slow down and then to ask myself again, why do I keep doing this to myself?  The answer always comes back to the root problem, which is that I just don’t treat myself with love.  I don’t love myself at all.  In fact, I realized in while I was pondering this, that I despise myself.  I was saddened by the realization but knew it was true.  Every thought I have in relation to myself has been negative.  Every time I look in the mirror, I see my perceived flaws.  Any time I do anything  I am constantly giving myself a beat mental beat down.

I have talked this over with my husband a lot.

This weekend, he put things in a new light for me when he said kindly, “Will you please be nice to my wife?”

This question hit me right in the gut.  I could see my negative thought process from a new perspective–I could see it from the outside.  In this moment, I realized that my self-loathing was not only making me sad, but my husband as well.  He loves me and sees all of my good qualities. He wants me to be happy and he sees how I am keeping my own happiness out of reach by treating myself the way I do.  For some reason, hearing him ask me that question really helped me.

I also had the opportunity to open up to a close friend about my struggle with self love.  She is a great friend and made a really great suggestion.  She suggested trying positive self-affirmations daily to help me retrain my thoughts.  I loved this suggestion and gave it a try.  I spent some time looking at myself in the mirror and saying some affirmations.  I spent a good 5 minutes or so doing this.  At first I just felt silly.  I didn’t believe what I was saying.  But after a couple minutes of really trying to see myself as I see others, I had a little spark of hope.  I realized that this would be really helpful if I did it on a regular basis.  I know I have a lot of work and practice to do before I will really internalize and believe what I am telling myself, but it is a great start and it feels really good to be doing something to help win this battle.

One thing working against me, is my forgetfulness.  I did the affirmations the morning after she told me about them, but then forgot to do it the last couple days.  So, I am going to get a dry erase marker and write a reminder on my bathroom mirror.  No more excuses!  This is a serious conflict that needs some serious, diligent effort.

How about you?  What is one of your greatest battles?  What are you doing to get through it?

Have any of you had experience using positive affirmations?

As always, I love to hear from you.  Please comment below to share your experiences.

 

 

 

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30 Replies to “Constant Battles”

  1. Right now, one of my biggest battles is, my daughter and I are not speaking, due to her not wanting me in her life. This is the longest we have gone without speaking. It’s tough on me and I have had mostly bad days since that day of our argument.
    I am praying to God about healing our relationship. I talk about it alot, to help ease my anxiety and to get different perspectives. And have a strong support system, most importantly.
    I def use positive affirmations everyday, in my life❤
    I have sticky notes as reminders to myself that I am loved, I am not alone in anything, that God will fix anything that I am going through. That we all deserve happiness, respect, and self love! Ty for sharing Chelsea! Great job as always❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I am sorry to hear about your daughter. That sounds very difficult. I hope that things get better for you and her.
      I am glad to hear that affirmations have helped you! That is very encouraging. Thank you so much for your kind words ❤

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Anytime, and ty. Time heals wounds. Alot of it is she has let her husband dictate things. And he’s the type of person that thinks he’s better than everybody else. So alot of her issues stem from listening to him, instead of listening to us, her family. The whole family agrees that she’s changed, and acts and talks like him.
        It’s a hard spot for her to be in, but she has protisapated along with it. And if having us out of her life, then that’s on her. It’s her choice.

        Liked by 2 people

      2. That is so hard! Definitely a touch situation. I hope she sees the light. ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  2. That’s how I began affirmations. I would either read something positive, or something that pertained to boosting my mood on the mirror and repeat it every day until it sunk in. I’m not going to sugar coat it, it was difficult at first, but for some reason, it did start to work. I wish you the best of luck with your affirmations. 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Yeah, it is going to be difficult, of that I am sure. But I do believe it is possible. I am glad to hear of your positive experience. Thank you so much for your words of encouragement!

      Liked by 3 people

  3. I do loving kindness meditations directed at myself. A reminder I deserve what I extend to others. I have also found some of Pena Chodron’s writings helpful; the reminders to be gentle with one’s self.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. This is such a great question. You really made me think for about this topic and my own experiences. I do think that my own experiences with my own mother as well as my own idea of what the ideal mother is, have led me to the belief that others needs should come before my own. I am really trying to come to a better balance of caring for myself first and then giving to others second at this point in my life, but it is hard to change what has been engrained into who I am for the last 17 years or so. And, to be honest, it is difficult when caring for 4 young humans to find that balance. I love my kids and want to be there for them. I act without thinking of how it will affect me most of the time because I love them and I’m focused on them and their needs. But I do have to learn to be more self-aware because, at the end of the day, if I am completely worn out and stressed out, I can’t do much for anybody else–including my kids.
      This topic of self love and balance is especially important to me because I am raising 2 daughters and want them to have a healthier way of approaching life and motherhood than I have had. So I am working on it.
      I am really grateful you commented. Thanks so much for this thought-provoking question.

      Liked by 5 people

    2. I think so. For me, that’s what my mother did, and her mother and her mother. It’s in my blood. Def has it setbacks though, I’m learning.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Hi Chelsea,
    Nice article, I can very much relate to this as I have and do go throw basically the same thing.
    Check out my post ” Finding self love ” you may find it useful. ❤️✌️

    BY FOR NOW

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’m so sorry. I’m sad/grateful that you understand what I’m going through. Thank you for sharing. ❤

      Liked by 2 people

  5. On Fri, Jul 6, 2018, 12:47 AM The Bipolar Writer wrote:

    > Chelsea posted: “When mental illness is present, there is constant > conflict within. Many of us share similar battles because we have a > similar set of symptoms. Some of us fight battles very unique to us and > our circumstances. Sometimes, a battle is present because of d” >

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I can relate so very much to you struggle. I’ve been working on seeing my own self worth, and seeing that I have value. I am worth having a computer that is <9 years old. I am worth a desk big enough to work on writing or makeup at any given time. I am worth a souvenir from Disneyland. Still working on believing it, but I figure the best way to believe it is to keep acting on it until it's habit.

    Liked by 3 people

  7. I have a love/hate relationship with myself. Some days are worse than others, thanks to depression and an autoimmune disorder. But days I’m feeling good about myself I try to document it with pictures and doing a lot. I’m sure my husband wishes I was kinder ‘to his wife’ too but some days it’s just so hard. I’ve tried the affirmations… I lasted 1 day because I too am forgetful. I’ve tried the ‘3 things I’m grateful for’ and ‘naming a good thing that happened that day’… all blundered. So now I kind of just rely on my daughter telling me how much she loves me and asking for hugs.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It’s great that you have your daughter to show you that love and kindness. My kids help me that way too. Thank you so much for sharing! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I’m the same, the biggest battle I fight is with myself and not being able to love myself. Its draining and despite using the mechanisms I was taught in counselling, most days im on the wrong side of like. I refuse to give up though!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It is really draining. But it is a battle worth fighting. Thank you so much for sharing this with me. ❤

      Like

  9. I never thought I would still be alive today after some suicide crisis a few years back. Things have improved. I still get anxiety and hypomanic, but I have become more open minded and doing some self care. I accept my illness and pray everyday to the Lord.

    Liked by 1 person

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