The Long Road to Betterment

As human beings, regardless of our backgrounds, we’ve become conditioned to evaluate our success in life based on the monetary value of our material possessions. The impact of this trending train of thought has become detrimental to our society, and is especially toxic for those of us who already struggle to find our sense of selves, our true value.

This shift in humanity, in my opinion, grew exponentially with the rise of the technological era. While it’s existed within us for several generations, it’s much more prominent in the last few. And while recently there has been a small faction bringing minimalist living to light, currently more than ever we have become obsessed with the idea of owning the best and newest things.

This has been a difficult post to write because of my own current struggles on the topic. Where is the line between valuing possessions over what really matters, and yearning for a sense of security you’ve never known? There’s obviously financial security in the way of assets, and then there’s having a stable life. Who’s to say when we’ve taken it too far, and how do we separate the wants from the true needs?

I was raised as a welfare baby, my mom on social security, section 8, food stamps, and I’ve had government provided health insurance for my entire life. My mom still survives on the programs, and now I’m raising my daughter on food stamps and free health care as well. It’s not a choice, because while my husband works, it’s not enough, and I can’t bring in enough money with my disabilities to make the pain they’d cause worth the while.

I’m sure my mother wasn’t proud to need all that assistance to raise me, and I’m certainly not proud either. We recently began trying to apply for home loans, as we’ve both lived under mostly slum lords for our entire lives and we want better for our daughter. Long and painfully disappointing story short, we got denied this week and it broke me.

This switch has gone off inside of me, making me feel guilt, inferiority, and judgment towards myself. I swore I’d never raise my child on welfare, but this was before I knew of my physical restraints. Despite my lack on control in the matter, there’s a certain self resentment that comes with that, a sense of worthlessness. I thought I’d found the perfect home for us, actually allowed myself to get excited for once, and now someone else’s family will fill the home.

It’s been an incredibly trying week, with tensions always escalating and tensions always rising due to our current crappy living situation, and I haven’t felt this defeated in a really long time. Especially for those of us with mental illness, stability is incredibly imperative to our success, and it’s my firm belief that if I can finally achieve stability, maybe I can finally begin my journey to betterment.

What I thought was one step closer turned out to be two steps back, but I must still press on. I have to believe that there’s more left in life for me than just the current chapter, that the book will have at least a relatively halpy ending. Here’s to everyone else who’s had a disappointing week or felt broken by something outside of your control. Life gave us lemons, so I guess we’re making lemonade, no matter how sweet or sour it tastes.

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8 Replies to “The Long Road to Betterment”

  1. When situations like this occur, I find it’s God protecting me from myself. What looked like the perfect house, must not have been when looking more closely. Be proud of yourself for going through the process, and seeing it to the end. Now, you have learned some things that will make the next time much more smooth. Chin up lovely! Sometimes a no, is for our good.

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  2. I definitely feel ya. When we were looking at our first houses, everything kept getting taken by investors at $10-20K higher than asking price. I kept thinking that God and The World just hated me and nothing would improve.
    Now (ten years and a much better job later) we live in an area with people who invest in real estate for some supplemental income. They talk about their deals from purely business perspectives; they don’t know the life stories of the people they stop from buying a first house.
    There is always the future even when you see walls. There are always many more paths even with limited money and connections. Our first house had to be a special loan deal with two mortgages designed for first-time buyers (don’t do something like interest-only if you can possibly avoid it), and was a For Sale by Owner. We haggled over their kitchen table, and they mostly sold low because they’d been in exactly our shoes a few years prior.
    Ask friends, relatives, etc. And good luck! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Sorry to hear about losing the house dear, hopefully something better will come along. As for having stuff well that’s different for everyone personally all I care about having is the basic stuff to make life injuable I’m a basic person with basic needs, that may be from growing up dirt poor I don’t know. I know you feel deflated right now but try and look at the positive of what you do have a loving family dear ! ❤️✌️

    BY FOR NOW

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  4. I’m sorry to hear that you didn’t get the house you were wanting. I can imagine how painfully frustrating that is. But I agree with what everyone else has said, keep at it! Everything will work out in the end even if it all looks bleak in the moment❤️ Thank you for sharing this, I hope you have a brighter week this week!

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