It has been 7 years since my last Suicide attempt. While I have stumbled and come close to attempting again, 2011 was the last time I honestly tried to kill myself. I have been in therapy for about a year and a half, and on meds for 7 months. It wasn’t until recently that the full gravity of my actions in 2011 sunk in. I honestly tried to kill myself. I swallowed bottles, yes bottles, of sleeping pills in the hopes that I wouldn’t wake up in the morning. I spent 3 days in the ICU, one of which I was completely unconscious and had a tube down my throat breathing for me.
In my suicide note, I only talked about the people who I thought had done me wrong. I never once even thought about the people, my friends and family, that I would be leaving behind. It is for this reason that I can see why people call suicide the most selfish thing that you can do. Yet, all I could think about was dying. It was a very dark time for me, and I still don’t truly understand my reasoning behind it, even to this day.
After which, I bounced around from therapy to therapy, the whole time not thinking that I had done anything wrong. I thought that I was fine! Looking back I can only now see that I was so deep in depression that it had altered the entire way my brain behaved. To this day, I still don’t regret trying to kill myself. I mean I do regret it, but at the same time, I wouldn’t be where I am today without it. I like to think that I’m doing pretty well these days, life wise. While I’m certainly not where I thought I would be in my life, I am somewhat glad that things happened the way that they did. Otherwise I would not have met my best friend. I would not have had the romance of a lifetime. I would not have made all the mistakes, and learned all the lessons that I have due to the path my life took because of my actions.
While my life has certainly been difficult because of the path that I walk, I have come out tougher and smarter because of it, I like to think anyways. Though realizing the true weight of what I have done, and the people I hurt, makes me feel like I wish I could do it all over again. It makes me wish that I had reached out for help, and let people know how badly I was hurting. I wish that I had realized that I was truly sick before I tried to kill myself. I only hope that anyone reading this that is going through something like I went through does find the courage to speak up. So that they don’t have to walk this path that I’m on. Let me tell you, it is so much harder than it should be. So do the right thing, get yourself some help. Without it, I wouldn’t be here, but we all deserve to be the best version of ourselves.