The True Weight of a Suicide Attempt

It has been 7 years since my last Suicide attempt. While I have stumbled and come close to attempting again, 2011 was the last time I honestly tried to kill myself. I have been in therapy for about a year and a half, and on meds for 7 months. It wasn’t until recently that the full gravity of my actions in 2011 sunk in. I honestly tried to kill myself. I swallowed bottles, yes bottles, of sleeping pills in the hopes that I wouldn’t wake up in the morning. I spent 3 days in the ICU, one of which I was completely unconscious and had a tube down my throat breathing for me.

In my suicide note, I only talked about the people who I thought had done me wrong. I never once even thought about the people, my friends and family, that I would be leaving behind. It is for this reason that I can see why people call suicide the most selfish thing that you can do. Yet, all I could think about was dying. It was a very dark time for me, and I still don’t truly understand my reasoning behind it, even to this day.

After which, I bounced around from therapy to therapy, the whole time not thinking that I had done anything wrong. I thought that I was fine! Looking back I can only now see that I was so deep in depression that it had altered the entire way my brain behaved. To this day, I still don’t regret trying to kill myself. I mean I do regret it, but at the same time, I wouldn’t be where I am today without it. I like to think that I’m doing pretty well these days, life wise. While I’m certainly not where I thought I would be in my life, I am somewhat glad that things happened the way that they did. Otherwise I would not have met my best friend. I would not have had the romance of a lifetime. I would not have made all the mistakes, and learned all the lessons that I have due to the path my life took because of my actions.

While my life has certainly been difficult because of the path that I walk, I have come out tougher and smarter because of it, I like to think anyways. Though realizing the true weight of what I have done, and the people I hurt, makes me feel like I wish I could do it all over again. It makes me wish that I had reached out for help, and let people know how badly I was hurting. I wish that I had realized that I was truly sick before I tried to kill myself. I only hope that anyone reading this that is going through something like I went through does find the courage to speak up. So that they don’t have to walk this path that I’m on. Let me tell you, it is so much harder than it should be. So do the right thing, get yourself some help. Without it, I wouldn’t be here, but we all deserve to be the best version of ourselves.

Yours,

Wolfgang

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22 Replies to “The True Weight of a Suicide Attempt”

  1. every time i read your posts i think i am reading one from my son (james edgar skye) your stories are very similar, and you both can reach those who don’t know the drill keep blogging. On James edgar skye last suicide attempt i told him there was a reason he was still here. I feel it is the same for you – – keep telling your stories so others can get the help they need.

    Liked by 3 people

      1. The only thing I can say, is stay strong. Because you’re not alone. I share my story in hopes that people who are unlucky enough to find themselves in a similar position know that there is hope

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Owning your path even on the darkest days is not always easy. I’m glad to read your entry, reminds me of my own acceptance of the path I have walked down. We can’t change the past, but wow the shit we learn from it sure can make us better people. Keep it up!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I am happy you didn’t succeed in dying because then I wouldn’t have been exposed to your writing. It is good you own up to the selfishness of it now. Glad you are here today.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. While I’m not yet glad that I survived, I’m certainly working towards that point. Nevertheless, thank you for your kind words

      Like

  4. It is very difficult. I never attempt to kill myself, but thought twice seriously and each time the suicide note saved my life. I could comprehend what to write.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. It’s funny, because my note actually save my life too. I posted it online, and someone found it and called the police. Without that, I would be dead.

      Liked by 2 people

  5. Im glad you survived. And proud that you continue to live. It’s so difficult to explain the single thoughts going through a suicidal persons heads. To explain how easy it is to forget everything but the need for nothing. I think that’s why so many believe it’s a selfish act

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, I’m proud of myself for still living too. I agree with your explanation, as all I could think of was the need to end the pain, and nothing else.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Please stay strong! Even I have thought of suicide at times. But i told myself it won’t solve anything and rather makes things worse for those who care about me. Spend time with who are understanding and compassionate. Your story will inspire many, continue to motivate and share. Wishing you strength through this difficult times.

    Liked by 1 person

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