Compared to My Siblings

The frustration inside of me bubbles to the surface with a sharp bite. My parents treat us differently. I know this because I have ears and eyes and use them like most humans. It’s not hard to pick up my father handing my sibling a wound up wad of cash to “help her out.” Or when my parents show more interest in my sibling’s career choice (it’s within the medical profession), while I try to become a content writer I hear, “that’s interesting.” What I want is someone to say, “Good for you! Follow your heart! Money doesn’t mean anything if you’re not happy.”

See what I just did here? Over and over and over in my head, I weigh out the differences between my siblings and me. How we compare, who is thinner, who is stronger, who makes more money, which takes more handouts, who dresses better. Then I replay my own scenario, instead of hearing a monotone response or something equally lackluster, I envision the message I want to. I want them to say I’m talented, smart, courageous – something! Anything that makes me feel approved or praised.

I have a generalized anxiety disorder. Maybe I should have mentioned that sooner or if you are like me then you may have picked up on my battering thought process. It’s something we anxious people like to do. I’m insecure, I want someone to randomly ask me, “So, how is that writing career going?”  Then I could tell them I’m taking significant steps towards my first paying gig! Instead, I haven’t brought it up because I feel their response wouldn’t hold a candle to the thrill that I already feel inside.

Therapy has helped me with this area, even if the frustration and comparing still surface, sometimes unexpectedly. The answers I seek are already in my complex heart. It’s time for me to put myself on the pedestal and know that if I am seeking approval from others or I dream about praise, these things are already sewn into my soul. I know I want people to say I’m doing a good job, so therefore I already feel that I am. I’m going to have a party for myself that celebrates big steps and small steps. I’m going to do this today! Starbucks here I come! Make it a Verde.

Yes, I do feel like Stuart Smiley, but you know — gosh darn it I’m worth it. I may tease, but this is no laughing matter. You are worth it, and you don’t need other people to tell you this. In case you do though, I just said it, so I will repeat it. You are worth it!

 

Brought to you by Fingers to Sky: Soul Searching. Writing. Gardening

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19 Replies to “Compared to My Siblings”

  1. You are doing a great job already, just listen to your heart! If anybody does not see your strengths it’s their loss not yours, compete against yourself not others.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I apologize if this is not helpful to you, but our stories are incredibly similar. I was a daddy’s girl, my sister the golden child and we have no relationship now. My brother and I are quite close, and I had to sever ties with my narcissistic sister to literally save my life and my relationship with my brother. I thank God for him every day, and here is my point: you will realize one day that your parents loved you hard and as best they could. I am 57 years old (ARGH) and just now obtaining self esteem, boundaries and confidence. My mother was verbally abusive in my younger years-but we became best friends later in life. I have rewritten my story, and the loving bond I share with them now (they are both in Heaven) is real. I feel their presence. I feel their love, especially if I’m going through something scary. Sweetheart, I am in no way diminishing your story-I just pray you find peace. Loves.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you. I have started the peace process. It’s a longer road than I thought, but I do genuinely love and care for my family and I know they reciprocate this. I just wish I had a mute button sometimes.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. That feeling I beileve everyone has when they have siblings, I have three my oldest sister special needs my brother he has always needed the families support my younger brother the brainy one was always destined for uni and big things. Then there was me I came in second middle child I neither needed extra help nor was I accademically strong, I was just there. Finished school got married and have my own family. It wasn’t till December 2016 that my hubby pushed me towards more so I did more and wrote a book.
    Being are to write is an amazing ability takes time care and a hell of alot of yourself to create a piece of written work.That is most definatley something you should be proud of your writing style and title drew me towards your post, that’s a great ability to have.💗😁enjoy your writting.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for the encouraging post. My husband supports my writing and tells me I’m awesome, which warms me. I suppose we can’t choose family but we can choose an awesome spouse. Best to you and your writing too!

      Like

  4. Great post! Can it be inevitable to have some kind of animosity of the way things played out as children. One may feel things went one way with the parents and the other may feel it went the other way. It’s like that with my sister, she feels I was the baby – I literally was being the youngest, but feel I was the chosen one. I feel the complete opposite. These thoughts have placed a gap in our relationship, it’s a good one, but that always gets in the way. My hope is that, now with my own kids, that they feel they were all loved and respected equally by my husband and I. 😊🙏🏽

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Battled this my whole life and still doing it! I was the family’s (and still am) golden child. My only downfall according to my parents it that I’m a girl and not a boy. My brother screwed up as much as a son can screw but he’s still their #1 when it comes to life, only because he is a boy. My dad often told him to be like me and would mourn that I was just a girl and not a boy because I would have made such a good son. My sister and I struggled and still are with this but are changing things with our own children. All children are unique, not better or worse, just different as I tell my own 2. I will leave it at, our journeys make us who you are and you are doing fantastic as the quiet writer who will amaze your parents once they know what’s going on!! Good luck with everything. Venya

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I understand completely. I felt as if I were being compared to my siblings and always felt as if I were found to be wanting. I have gone through a lot of therapy for that and for the bullying that I experienced in middle school. Thank you for sharing your story. It is much appreciated.

    Liked by 2 people

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