Updated Version of my Poem: 12:15 am

12:15 am

by James Edgar Skye

It’s 12:15 am, I am in a dark room
my mind racing and
the panic is rising out of nowhere.
Shallow and slow,
I can’t catch my breath.
It happens, every night, this night— the next.

Restlessness. A feeling of unease.
“I can’t do this,” I think.
A tingling feeling engulfs my hands,
numbness consumes my body.
I pace, take a drink of water—
then begin to pace again.

I must stay inside, “no— I can’t.”
I must go outside, “no— you can’t.”
“Fight this feeling! Please!” A different part says.
“You will never win this fight,” the anxiety answers.

My mind races faster this time, I’m running out of breath.
Helplessness, I am no longer in control of my body.
I overthink. “I am going to die!”
“Please stop! You must fight,” my heart and brain say.
Then again, I over think! And again.
My mind overthinks, “is this my life?”

I feel as if I am under water trying to catch my breath,
to be the person I was before I started to drown.
Sleep, it would be divine. I reach
for this tiny white pill. It is in my hand.
My salvation.

God, I want to sleep
so much to do tomorrow.
The weight of my school obligations crush me.

Finally, in control— again.
Anxiety, why do you control me so?
It’s over for now, but
tomorrow is another day.

Another 12:15 am.

Photo Credit: unsplash-logoCristofer Jeschke

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21 Replies to “Updated Version of my Poem: 12:15 am”

  1. I’m so sorry that you go through this everyday. I can only imagine what triggers these episodes… have you tried meditation? (You probably have, as I think I’ve read one of your blog posts about it, but I just wanted to ask anyway).

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I do. My social anxiety is getting better. Meditation at night seems to help expel some of these feelings. This poem reflects the journey I have been on with my anxiety.

      Liked by 3 people

      1. Well, I love it. I hope you continue to grow and love yourself. I’ve been struggling with a lot of self doubt lately, which may or may not be similar to your situation. Anyway, I feel you and I’m listening!!

        Liked by 3 people

  2. i can relate entirely. that breaks my heart. try yoga in the morning and/or at night, along with meditation. also, try lavendar drops on your pillows. burn lavendar incense. get a Himalayan salt lamp and keep that on whilst you try to sleep. these are all small things that i’ve noticed are gradually helping me with my anxiety so i feel it is my duty to share them with you. an anxiety attack is the last thing we need when we end the day and go to our beds to feel peace. you do not deserve this and neither do i. we shall get through this.

    Like

  3. What a lovely heart felt poem, so real a raw! I’m sorry you are struggling, you’re always welcome to reach out and message me if you need a new face to talk to. Thank you for sharing x

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Hi, I can really relate to your poem. Just wanted to say, good on you for getting to that place where your starting to control it. It has inspired me to work hard with mine..

    Liked by 1 person

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