Masquerade

it was always an ideal to me
mental illness was a theory, a concept of something tragic
that could never touch someone like me
because girls with dimpled smiles and happy families
do not push food around on their plates
to distract from emotional pain
or lie awake at night, unable to sleep
as they try to decide which is worse–
the unexplainable heartache, or the hunger in their stomachs
so when the disorder took over my mind
my head was filled with wild notions
of the tortured soul i desired to be
thin, pale, and comforted by my wan frame
i wrote on my wrists
remained a wisp of a creature
and told myself it was beautiful to be broken
burying myself in sad music and therapy sessions
i pretended i was trying
because everyone wanted so desperately
for the skinny girl to just eat something
but it wasn’t long before
my porcelain face began to crack
as with it came the walls
i had so carefully built for dramatic effect
and instead of theatrical heroism
i simply saw dark circles and ugly ribs
and a confused little girl who needed to confront her demons
before they destroyed her soul
the same way they had killed her body
so instead of fighting for frailness
and holding on to the illness
that had for so long pretended to be my friend
i finally began exposing the voices that haunted me
i allowed the light
to seep in through the fragments that were left of me
i welcomed the help
i had previously feigned to accept
and i let it all transform me
into someone real, and healthy, and so very alive
who is beginning to come to the understanding
that it’s okay to be damaged
and to embrace your vulnerability
but it’s even more okay to try to put yourself back together
learning to accept and heal
and eventually leaving the past behind
as you allow yourself to finally become the person
you were meant to exist as all along.

Photo Credit: unsplash-logoTimothy Paul Smith

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35 Replies to “Masquerade”

  1. So many creative lines and raw emotions, this poem hit me in the feels today. I lost a girlfriend a few years ago to anorexia. For as much support as she had, she never could embrace that it was ok to be broken and let herself be vulnerable. Sadly, I watched it literally break her day by day.

    As I read your words, I’m both sad and happy. I’m sad to think about things that could’ve been, but happy to see your optimistic messaging. Keep writing, you’re reaching others in a positive way, and that in and of itself is beautiful and meaningful.

    Sincerely,
    Brian

    Liked by 1 person

    1. my goodness–in the span of two paragraphs, you have both simultaneously broken my heart, and mended it. my deepest condolences for the loss of your girlfriend–believe me when i say i understand exactly what she must have gone through, and i would wish that upon no one….i cannot imagine how painful that must have been for you as well, to sit by and watch her struggle. but i want to say thank you, so much, for encouraging me today and for receiving something from my writing. that means far more to me than you know, and this has affected me very deeply. i wish you all the comfort in the world xx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. This made me weep. I rarely have tears, like once in a blue moon. But this, this was so powerful and tragic and so beautifully written. Thank you for writing this. I understand you, i was bullied in my late teens and i had episodes of depression and I had this feeling of being happy at being sad, drowning myself in sad music, having sleepless nights thinking sad thoughts. I thought no one else ever felt like I did, until today. I am really proud of you. You have a beautiful, strong soul. I wish you all the happiness and fulfillment in life. Bless you. 🌸🌸🌸❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. this brought tears to my eyes, truly. thank you so much for your lovely comment, for you have pinpointed exactly the reason why i write. i have felt that sense of “alone” too many times in my life, and my deepest hope is that people will be understood and comforted through my poetry. i appreciate your honesty and encouragement from the bottom of my heart, and cannot wait to read more of what you have to say xx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. My absolute pleasure, it is always good to know that you are not alone in this and you aren’t. You are a true inspiration to everyone. I wish you all the happiness in life, all the fulfillment and joy. Bless you, be strong and always believe in yourself and and in your writing. I will always read what you write. And if you ever feel lonely and need a friend, you know where to find me. Bless you ❤❤

        Liked by 1 person

      2. thank you again, from the bottom of my heart. i hope you know how truly inspiring you have been to me today ❤ ❤ my contact information is up on my blog, and would like to extend that offer to you as well…. will definitely be looking forward to your posts appearing in my reader! 🙂 xx

        Like

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