Dear Depression…

Dear Depression

Hey there.

I know you’re here.

I wrote a letter to OCD before, but I realized I never wrote one to you. I wanted to take this time to acknowledge your existence as well.

Depression, you are ugly, strong and beastly. I always thought you would never be part of my story. I never wanted to get to know you, and I don’t wish even for my worst enemy to have you as their story.

You crept up into my life out of nowhere. I thought I was just overly stressed, but you slowly took over my thoughts and ran me over. The thought of you makes me shiver, but I am here to talk to you, face to face, and share how you may have try to wreck me, but you only made me stronger.

I thought I had it all, being a young research fellow, preparing for graduate programs to be a psychologist myself. I was so ready to conquer and help others that struggle with mental illness, including YOU. But you – Depression changed my life forever.

You came up to surface, as my OCD symptoms have gotten worse. When things started to go out of my will, you started to tell me all these lies about myself that wasn’t true.

You told me that I am not good enough, and I am a failure for not meeting the expectation of others. You made me suicidal, not living my life to the fullest extent that I was capable of. You showed me what it meant to be hopeless, not being able to laugh or smile for weeks.

So many people thought I was just stressed and sad. They denied your existence in my life. You made me put on a mask in front of others, pretending like everything was okay when it wasn’t.

You have taken so many people’s lives away, that it utterly breaks my heart. When will you stop?

But you know what Depression; you also made me realize how strong I am. Through you, I learned what it means to fight for my life, and how beautiful it is to have a community of people that fought with me to push on. You also have taught me how valued and loved I am by the people in my life. Through you, I now have an outlet, by writing to share my story of how I was not alone, but there is hope no matter how you may try to trick us.

Depression, you make the world seem like there is no end. You make the world seem like there is no way out of you.

I’m sorry you don’t know what it means to be happy, and joyful. I’m sorry people despise you for being what you are. I hope that you can also find what it means to be happy, and be joyful as there is so much in life than being depressed.

I hope to never see you again, but if I do, know that I will not back down. Ever.

Good luck,

Haelim

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49 Replies to “Dear Depression…”

  1. God, this was beautiful. I am so sorry that this is part of your story. It is part of mine as well. I wish it wasn’t.. I didn’t even realize it.. I denied it’s existence for so long. It’s one of the most awful things a person can experience.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you!
      It really is… Going through this myself, it changed my view of mental health in a whole different perspective. Utterly painful, but changed me in ways I never imagined!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. “When things started to go out of my will…” is the hardest part for me. It’s like being cognizant of developing Alzheimer’s for me: last time, I eventually has to let my dad know, like it was my last chance to inform someone of my whereabouts in case I go missing completely, present but internally kidnapped by the demonic beast. To lose that control, your most resolute will, to see yourself out of body but not able to help, is one of the scariest things I’ve gone through. Bravo for highlighting the strength that arises and the refusal to ever give up fighting, resisting Depression. Best wishes.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. I whole heartedly agree on how hard it is to “realize” that not everything is going to be under my control. I wish you the best of luck as you continue to fight back!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. You have many parts, this is just one part of you. I like that you befriend it and have compassion for your depression. It needs understanding and acceptance. Nothing ever goes away because we have resistance to it. If we accept our darkness, pull it in close, wrap it in a fuzzy blanket and tuck it in, safe and warm-and love it like all our other parts, then it may lose its power and not be the central focus in our life and will fade to the background. It’s calling out to be seen and heard and loved. Good luck to you! Great read

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thank you! You’re so right. Love the way you described it. The more I try to ignore it and bury it down, the more it tries to come up to surface.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Yes, it’s not WHO YOU ARE. it’s just a feeling that just wants to be seen an expressed. You won’t get stuck in there Although it does feel like you will I can identify with that

        Liked by 2 people

  4. Wow. I loved this. I have to say this is the best, the very best post I have read on depression in a very long time. This was very powerful, beautifully written. Everything about this was fantastic. I loved the different perspective on it. Thank you for this exquisite piece. I hope you are doing well now. Much love and hugs, Sue

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much! Your encouragement means a lot. Gives me so much courage to continue to fight back! Looking forward to read your posts as well 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I think depression sneaks up on most of us. I always wake up thinking ‘today is here, I am here, I want to live’ but as the day crawls by I always end my days with ‘I am worthless, I may as well not be here, who would care, who would notice’. Yea, depression sucks.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I agree. I try hard everyday to “put myself” in a place or situation that can make me happier, and sometimes always putting my effort into doing that drains me from time to time. Thankful that so I was able to find a community online that can relate so easily!

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I can relate to this so much, both the curses and the unexpected blessings. I’m not sure depression ever crept up on me though, I think it has almost been a lifelong shadow beside me that I just didn’t recognize for what it was until I was almost grown.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I love the way you took it as “unexpected blessings” ! I honestly never thought of them as real “blessings”, but you’re right. Depression sucks, but it left us with unexpected blessings.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I enjoyed in this text! You really touched me!
    I suffer from depression and bipolar disorder.
    I write inspirational and motivational texts. I am new here.
    If you want check my texts 🙂
    Lots of love
    Mimi

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Seriously it touched i know what depression feel like
    I am also writing a novel, biography of my best friend who was suicidal due to depression and anxiety. I hope you come to read and drop your views. ❤️

    Liked by 3 people

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